Many people did not expect that the singer Park Shu, who had been silent for many years, accidentally rushed to the hot search, and this time he was on the hot search, not because he had any new songs, but because of his father. Some netizens accidentally pulled out that his father was actually a "outer space" giant, one of the initiators of the Earth space double star exploration program, a ceiling figure in the physics world, and a legendary figure in the field of science. Netizens followed the vine to touch the melon, and accidentally found that Park Shu's mother was also amazing, a professor at Peking University, the highest university in China.
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In the eyes of ordinary people, the children from such a Kochi family must also have excellent grades, and the children of the school bully level are "other people's children". But Park Shu did not inherit his father's business, did not take the academic path, became a singer, and took his own unusual path. Park Shu is a god-like being in the Chinese music scene. The songs he composed sang of reflections on life and a desire for freedom.
Perhaps what many people did not expect is that such a talented Park Shu did not graduate from college, and his Kochi parents' different way of education "free- and raised" a famous musician.
When Park Shu was a child, he often felt lonely inside, often shutting himself in a room alone, and the only thing that could open his heart was music. After graduating from junior high school, Park Shu told his parents that music was more important than his life. As a scholar, the father did not think that his son was not doing his job, and fully supported his son's musical dreams. When he went on a business trip to Germany, he spent several months of his salary to buy a very good guitar for Park Shu. And in order to share a common language with his son, he also learned to play the violin and passed the first-level exam, which is a difficult thing for a father who is busy with his studies all day.
His father unconditionally supported his practice of making music, so that Park Shu had the idea of repaying his parents, and decided to take the college entrance examination to get a college notice to repay his parents. Park Shu took a year off from school at home because of depression in high school, and in order to be admitted to college, in the last few months of his junior year of high school, he went crazy and devoted himself to studying, and finally was admitted to the English Department of Capital Normal University.
Park Shu burst into tears after receiving the college acceptance letter and said to his parents: "This is for you." College was not his wish, and he reluctantly reached his sophomore year, and he never wanted to continue his studies, but dropped out of school for the sake of his musical dreams. The parents' reaction to the child's deviant thoughts was basically furious, but to everyone's surprise, Park Shu's father nodded in agreement with his approach.
After dropping out of school, Park Shu showed his fists on the road of music he liked, until he became a legend in the Chinese music scene, and many of his songs are still the memories of a generation.
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After Park Shu became famous, someone once asked his father why he did not let his son take the path of academia and why he did not stop him from making music. His father laughed and said that although he did not understand music, his son liked music and he wanted to respect his son's interests. His son's life is music, just as his life is academic, and he is not willing to let him engage in academia.
This is true love for children, perhaps many parents will retort, we all love children, how can our children not love, but the soul torture, do you really love children? Are you really unconditionally loving children?
01
True love does not need to be exchanged
Many parents like to exchange with their children, often before the exam, to say to their children: "If this exam is good, mom and dad will take you on a trip during the summer vacation." As a result, as soon as the final exam results came out and the test was not ideal, parents would be very angry and angry at their children, "The test was so bad, I still want to travel, cancel the plan!" ”
As everyone knows, at the moment when we cancel the reward, the child feels that the parents love the grades, not themselves. If a child fantasizes about the kind of scene of the reward, just because the exam is not good, there is nothing, this kind of harm is very large.
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If parents show their long-term attachment to their children's achievements and put it in the name of love, it will even cause irreparable tragedy.
Some time ago, there was a 14-year-old girl in Shanghai, who left a 1500-word suicide note and jumped from the upper floor to end her flower season.
On the suicide note, she left such a paragraph to her parents: You love not me, it is me who has achieved full scores, I am the top ten in the class, and I am the top twenty in the grade.
The tragedy of this girl is that her parents essentially love her grades and do not give her real love. Children's grades bring them face, but for children, face is not the most important, adults care about face. Children can only exchange good grades for the love of their parents, so in her heart, even if her grades are good, it has no meaning to her, no happiness, no happiness, because this love is exchanged for grades.
This bloody fact tells us that in order for children to grow up healthily, we must give them unconditional love, and "unconditional love" means that there is no exchange, no intimidation, and no threat in our love for our children.
Fan Deng, the 40 million reading members, is very interesting, he often said to his son, "I am your father, I like to travel with you, no matter how bad your grades are, I will not take others to travel." Will I take your class to a tour? It's ridiculous. Either way, I'll just take you on a tour because you're my child. ”
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This is the unconditional love that parents express to their children, without any quid pro quo. If we can establish such a set of ideas for our children, he will not subconsciously think that learning is a bad thing, he will think that "Mom and Dad love me, and the advice he gives me is good", which is the most fundamental logic.
It can be seen how important unconditional love is.
When we pour unconditional love into our children, we must also learn to protect their children's self-esteem, and the higher the child's self-esteem level, the more they can manage themselves. When a child has self-esteem, he will find his sense of value, and how high the child can fly depends on his sense of value.
02
Protect your child's self-esteem and increase his sense of worth
We're always unconsciously hitting the child, and the child doesn't do anything right, this isn't right, that's not right. In fact, it is not that we do not love children, but we care too much about children, many parents put the unfulfilled ideals and dreams of life on their children, wanting children to achieve their unfulfilled dreams, but in fact, we also forget that we have not lived as their parents want.
For the sake of their own ethereal dreams, we tend to treat children as their own private property, so the result is that children have less and less self-esteem, and finally children can not change themselves, can not restrain themselves, most of the adult life will be bad. Children without self-esteem will not have a sense of worth.
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In a film starring Wu Yanzu, he played the son of a chief superintendent who was severely punished by his father for making a mistake from an early age, and was often scolded as a waste. Therefore, he hated the police very much in his heart, and when he grew up, he organized a group of rich second generations to fight against the police, shooting and killing the police for fun, and committing unforgivable crimes.
This is a classic example of a low level of self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness, when a child has no self-esteem, he will feel that life has no value.
Adler once said in "Inferiority and Transcendence": Failures such as mentally ill people, criminals, alcoholics, troubled teenagers, suicidal people, and degenerate people fail because they lack a sense of self-worth.
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What kind of growth do people who have a sense of value have?
Wang Yangming also "tossed" and "rebelled" for many years when he was a child, and when he was 18 years old, the famous Confucian Lou Yu said to him that "saints must learn from them", which means that saints such as Confucius and Mencius also began to walk step by step from the ordinary. This sentence mobilized Wang Yangming's sense of value, after the age of 18, he has not wasted time, has been constantly working hard to learn, improve learning, and eventually become a generation of everyone.
As parents, we should ignite the sense of value in the hearts of our children, rather than hitting the children all day and letting the flame in their hearts go out and sink.
As a parent, in addition to unconditionally loving the child and protecting the child's self-esteem, there is also a point that cannot be ignored is to let go of the identity of the parent, transform the role, lower the posture, and grow up with the child. Just like Park Shu's father, in order to have a common language of music with his son, he practiced the violin in his busy schedule.
03
Forget your identity, lower your posture, and grow up with your children
Influenced by Thousands of years of traditional Chinese culture, parents and children are in an unequal position, there is an old saying, "Parents' fate cannot be violated." Under the influence of this kind of thinking, many parents think that they eat more salt than their children eat, and they walk more bridges than children walk, so when educating their children, they subconsciously think that I am a parent, you have to listen to me, and what I say is right.
This creates a misunderstanding that many people believe that educating children well is related to good parents. In fact, the relationship between educating children and parents is not excellent, in real life, many learned parents, even teachers of famous schools, educated children are very rebellious and painful. From various information channels, we have also seen that many children of Kochi families have committed crimes and committed suicides.
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How much knowledge you have and how good you are are are two different things from knowing the principles and concepts of educating children. Perhaps a good parent is a leader in his field, but if he does not understand the knowledge of educating children, even high-level intellectuals will "shape" the wrong educational concept, the root of which is that they are unwilling to give up their parental status and are unwilling to lower their posture to dialogue and communicate with their children on an equal footing.
In a CC lecture, the guest Professor Wang Zhanjun said something that happened to him. His daughter was in junior high school, and for a while she couldn't understand the knowledge points of a certain two courses and didn't learn well. The daughter was anxious, and Professor Wang was also anxious in his eyes, so he and his daughter proposed to let him be a father's teaching, but the daughter should have self-respect and did not accept his suggestion. Professor Wang racked his brains and exchanged a proposal with his daughter, asking her daughter to hire him to give a lecture, and after she learned it, she paid him a dollar as a reward. As a result, the daughter quickly agreed, and it didn't take long for the daughter to learn to understand, pay her father a dollar, and end the employment relationship between father and daughter.
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Professor Wang Zhanjun is willing to put down his body, be in an equal position with his daughter, and maintain the child's self-esteem, so as to find a way that everyone accepts, and also achieves the purpose he wants to help the child, rather than forcing the child to listen to him as a learned parent.
Parents should become a little more modest for their children, lower their posture a little, and grow up with their children.
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Park Shu's father, as a famous scholar, although he did not educate an equally excellent scholar, but when his son had his own ideals, he fully supported, gave his son unconditional love, and did not get angry because his son dropped out of college, but nodded his head and agreed to maintain his son's self-esteem, and forgot his identity in order to have a common musical topic with his son, and practiced the violin. This kind of education is worth thinking about and learning.
If it is easy and pleasant to educate children, then our approach is correct. If the process of educating children is painful and difficult, it must be the wrong way to use.
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