Author: Summer
Source: Mom Hug Group (ID: mmbaotuan)
We all have this deep-seated belief:
There is a special bond between the mother and the child, pregnancy, nursing, and careful upbringing will make the relationship between the mother and the child more intimate.
However, many times it backfires.
As children grow up, some children will become more and more distant and indifferent to their mothers;
Some children will enjoy their mother's goodness with peace of mind, but they will unscrupulously hurt their mother;
Some children will hate their mother more and more, and even hate their mother;
In these precarious mother-child relationships, many mothers are deeply distressed, but they can never find the reason.
After reading the following 4 mother-child laws, you may be able to find the answer from them.
1
Hedgehog Effect:
Love has no boundaries and becomes hurt
There is a mother in "Centimeters of Love" who is willing to give her son the best in the world, but she is not willing to give her son space and freedom.
Her greatest wishes are:
"I want to spend my whole life taking good care of my son, and I have only one purpose, which is to make my son live well."
Therefore, she gave her son meticulous care and wholehearted dedication, hoping to make up for the lack of paternal love of her son.
Even though her son has grown into an adult, she still takes care of him in every detail.
Worried that her son would not be able to eat well, she ran to the hospital where her son worked and opened a room to cook soup for her son.
She was afraid that her son would not get married, so she kept introducing objects to her son, but when her son was in love, she could not stand her son's indifference to herself, and tried to break up her son's love again and again.
Her son was driven mad by her, and she still complained with grievances:
"You don't listen to your mother anymore?" I just want to be a good mom..."
In the end, both mother and son were injured by each other.
The philosopher Schopenhauer once proposed a "hedgehog effect":
"Hedgehogs move closer to each other for warmth when it's cold, but keep a certain distance to avoid stabbing each other."
In fact, the mother and the child are like two hedgehogs, if the mother's love has no boundaries, it is easy to stab the child, and eventually hurt herself.
For children, the mother's airtight sense of control and the sense of giving in every detail are like a shackle in the name of love, making the child extremely miserable.
Actor Tong Dawei said:
"The love we give to our children should be a ventilated wall, which can not only shield the wind and rain, but also through the wind and through the light."
A truly good mother is not to imprison her child in the cage of love, but to appear in time when the child needs it, and to withdraw at the right time when it is not needed.
Only by learning to let go, clarifying the boundaries between the child and the child, and giving the child freedom, can the child get real happiness and the mother-child relationship will not be out of balance.
2
The Law of Reflection:
The mother is a mirror of the child
My girlfriend once confided in me in pain:
"When I was a child, I secretly swore in my heart:
Definitely don't be a person like mom.
However, a few days ago, I suddenly found that my violent temper with my husband and son was the same as my mother's hysterical appearance when I got angry.
Even including the bad problems of taking advantage of small things, slamming doors, eating and smashing mouths, and not loving to do housework are exactly the same.
What's even more terrifying is that I found that the bad things in my son are actually an upgraded version of the bad things in my body.
Thinking about this, I really think it's terrible. ”
Remember that Jung once said in Child Development and Education:
"Parents are the unconscious reflection of children, and many children who feel the least like their parents when they are teenagers often find that the shadow of their parents has never gone far away from us in the long years of growing up."
Moreover, whether it is the opposite of the performance or the same tendency, it is a 'copy' and 'reproduction' of the parent's will, character, character, preferences, and interests. ”
This is actually the "law of reflection" in educational psychology:
That is, the shadow of the mother can be seen from the child.
Because the earliest learning mode of children is imitation, and the mother is closest to the child, it is also the easiest object for children to imitate.
The way the mother behaves, speaks, and even gets along with the people around her can profoundly affect the child.
Children see it in their eyes and remember it in their hearts, and they will unconsciously reflect it in their future behavior.
The Republic of China writer Hu Shi is often praised by people:
High appearance, good learning, high vision, broad heart.
He once wrote in My Mother:
"In addition to reading and reading, he also gave me training as a human being, and in this regard, my mentor is my loving mother."
If I can learn the slightest bit of good temper, if I can learn a little kindness to others, if I can forgive people and be considerate of people - I am grateful to my loving mother. ”
Children are a mirror for their parents.
The problems and advantages of children can be found in parents.
What kind of person they want their children to become, parents must strive to become what kind of people.
Parents should set a good example, so that children can learn from them.
3
Bebb's Law:
Blindly paying will only raise a child who does not understand gratitude
You often see some of these news on the Internet:
A little boy who looked to be 7 or 8 years old threw his mother to the ground in the street, kicking her with his feet and yelling at her.
Freshman girls a month 2000 living expenses are not enough to spend, hope that their mother to give themselves 4500 members per month, after being rejected by their mother, posted complaints online.
Every time I see news like this, I feel deeply sad for these mothers:
Obviously, parents pay so much for them, but these children do not know how to understand their parents, and always feel that their parents do not pay enough.
A psychologist once tested two different levels of homeschooling with a bowl of egg noodles, which was thought-provoking.
The premise of the story is:
When my mother made breakfast, she found that there was only a handful of noodles and an egg left in the house, just enough to make a bowl of egg noodles, a family of three, how to divide this noodles?
In the first group of families, the mother felt that the child was the youngest in the family and should enjoy the best in the family, so she pushed the egg noodles to the child and let the child eat and go to school quickly.
In the second group of families, the mother divides the egg noodles into three parts, one for the child, one for herself, and one for the father, and tells the child:
You have to go to school and grow up, mom and dad have to work hard to earn money, none of you can go hungry, although this half bowl of egg noodles is not enough, but we will not be hungry.
As a result, the children of the first group of families naturally ate the noodles alone,
The children of the second group of families learned to be considerate of their parents' hardships and learned to share and share responsibility.
A small bowl of egg noodles contains countless educational philosophies.
Babe's Law says:
"Unilateral blind efforts will not only not get the expected return, but also make the other party feel accustomed."
If parents pay unilaterally, can't bear to let their children experience the hardships of life from an early age, and don't know how to ask their children for it at the right time, it is easy for children to take the responsibility they should bear as the obligation of parents, and naturally ask their parents for it.
Only when parents are willing to use their children and let their children suffer hardships, children will develop a sense of responsibility, learn to understand their parents, and become a filial piety.
A 7-year-old boy in Xi'an, watching his parents open a bun shop too hard, get up at 5 o'clock every day to help his parents roll out the dumpling skin.
He was able to roll out 600 bun skins for his mother before school.
The reporter asked him: "Tired or not?" ”
He said seriously: "I'm tired, Mom and Dad work 9 hours a day, I only work for an hour." ”
Psychologists say:
"Only when a person is needed and given can he feel his own value, and then feel love and generate a sense of responsibility."
Willing to use children, from an early age, let children know how to share and bear, even if it is to let children pour a glass of water, lifting a pair of shoes can guide children to become a person who knows how to take care of their parents.
Only by loving and dissatisfied can we harvest the consummation of the parent-child relationship.
4
Hawthorne Effect:
Seeing the child's heart, the child is willing to change
I have seen a story that a mother who attaches great importance to her children's education has raised her children to waste.
What's going on?
When the boy Xi Kun was young, he was a particularly curious and exploration-minded child.
He was very fond of scientific experiments, and when he talked about this, his eyes lit up, and his head was the Tao.
However, his mother had high expectations of him and was always thinking about correcting his shortcomings and making him better.
Therefore, no matter how resistant and anxious Xi Kun's performance is, her mother insists on forcing Xi Kun to go to a language training class to exercise her interpersonal skills.
Forced him to perform in public, forced him to attend summer camps, forced him to take various education and training exams.
Under the pressure of his mother, Xi Kun, who was originally sunny and confident, became more and more withdrawn, more and more inferior and sensitive.
As a teenager, he would use a bed of sheets as a refuge and hide in it and not come out.
He told his mother:
"Mom, I want to go back to your stomach, and it will be a little more comfortable."
Psychologist Li Xue said:
"When a life comes into the family with great love and trust, what he longs most is to be seen."
If a child is not seen and accepted, he will be swallowed up by the anxiety, fear, confusion, helplessness and the anger that comes with it, and he will become inferior, sensitive and twisted.
This is why many mothers put a lot of effort into education with no avail.
A mother wants her 11-year-old son to continue learning taekwondo, but her son is a little unhappy.
On the way to send her son to school, the mother said to her son in particular sincerely:
"Da Lin, you continue to take taekwondo lessons, I will love you."
You don't take taekwondo classes, I still love you just as much. ”
Listening to his mother's words, his son instantly showed a smile, and he decided to continue his taekwondo class, and he has persisted until now.
This corresponds to the hawthorne effect in psychology:
"When a person realizes that they are being noticed or observed, they deliberately change the effects of some behavior and verbal expression."
That is to say, when a child feels that he is seen, concerned, and valued, he can have good feelings and be willing to accept the teachings of his parents.
Every child needs to be seen.
Seeing heals.
Parents see the child's feelings, accept the child's emotions, let the child feel the love and warmth, education can really be effective.
5
Kafka said:
"Trying to get something, in fact, as long as you are calm and calm, seeking truth from facts, you can easily achieve the goal unconsciously."
And if you work too hard, make too much trouble, too childish, too inexperienced, cry, scratch, like a child pulling the tablecloth, you will get nothing.
It's just that all the good things on the table are pulled to the ground and never get them. ”
The same is true of the mother's education of her child.
If you want to get the return of your child's love, you must first let your child be nourished in love rather than consumed;
If you want your child to grow into the way you expect it, you must work hard to cultivate yourself and use your own words and deeds to influence your children;
If you want your child to learn to be grateful, you must take back your overflowing maternal love and be a little more ruthless;
If you want education to really work, you must see the child's heart and give the child a love touch.
Educating children requires not only love, but also superb educational wisdom.
Love and moderation, love and party, in order to raise a sensible, considerate and excellent good child, so that the mother-child relationship will always be deep.
END
Author's profile: This article comes from the mother hugging group (ID: mmbaotuan), the hard work and happiness of mothers, we all understand; the growth exchange platform for mothers, welcome to pay attention.
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