I hope that readers will not think that this book is a textbook for raising children, please read it with ease and pleasure, and then think about it with ease and pleasure. Although raising children is a very important thing, don't be stubborn and rigid, rush and panic.
——Hayao Kawai (late famous clinical psychologist in Japan)
In adolescence, accepting the child's independence in confrontation. Puberty is the "pupal" period before adulthood, and only after experiencing painful changes in the pupa can it become a butterfly. During this period, the energy will always become very strong, and there will be various acts of resistance. But it is also in the process of rebelling against their parents and denying their parents that children gradually grow into adults.
There's a children's literature book called Who Killed You, and the father in the story works very hard to become an artist when he's young. But in the end, he found that he had no artistic talent at all, so he gave up his dream. After that, he found a job selling electrical products and has been desperately trying to earn money and support his family.
When his children grew up, they saw their father's previous works of art one day, and when they came home, they said to their father sneeringly: "If I could paint a work like that, I wouldn't run around with those electrical rags." "This is undoubtedly the word that can poke his sore spot the most."
And at this moment, the father's answer was really handsome: "I am not the father you expect." I know I'm probably not the ideal father, but even so, I can't allow you to hurt me like that. I myself am afraid to say things to myself, and you think it's okay if you say it, that's a big mistake. If you're wondering, I can tell you how I fought and meditated with myself. Finally, one day, I suddenly understood my talent and my limitations. Is there enough value in my talent to risk starving my wife and children to pursue art? I admit I didn't, so I worked hard to support my family. Well, I want to eat quietly now. ”
This is really touching! It's amazing to be able to say something like that. This father did not say that he had done anything, but that it was a very firm decision in my heart.
To say such a thing, you first need to be able to live firmly. If the parents are still wandering in the mud, the child will definitely find out and then scoff at it. If you feel that the child is very reasonable, then the parent honestly says "you are very right", or "you are right, but I did not do it so well", I believe that the child will also understand.
What should I do when my child is troubled? In the pupae period, it is also important not to alarm the child. People actually hate it when people break into their own world at will, especially when they have troubles in their hearts, but parents often do this to their children.
Parents think that it is for the good of their children, but they often go too far and step into the world of their children without authorization. It would have been nice to let the child cry quietly for a while, but parents are easy to manage because of worry, "How to cry?" "Hurry up!" Parents sometimes even get angry with their children: "Don't cry!" "It's annoying!"
In contrast, a better way to deal with it is to allow the child to cry as much as you want, and then gently say "Come here when you're done crying, let's eat together" is enough.
No matter how close the relationship is, there are some problems that are helpless and cannot directly heal each other's pain. For example, when a person loses love, if someone says, "You pick up your spirits!" "Then he must be very angry." And if you can think of "he must be sad", not to alarm him, to let him stay quietly for a while, there is no doubt that this method is better.
Parents can't always help but go over and say something to their children, because people grow up in the process of feeling pain. If you have not been injured, no matter how careful you are, you will still fall one day. If you don't do some practice before you actually fall, you will be so stupid that you won't even understand how to fall and how to get up. It is impossible for a person to grow without being hurt, and no matter how close he is to others, the essence of man is ultimately a human being. This experience is very important.
This article is excerpted from
What is the Best Parent?
Author: Hayao Kawai
Translator: Zhang Risheng
Publisher: Beijing United Publishing Company
Producer: Zhanlu Culture
Publication year: 2020-10
● Live Messages:
● The illustration in the text is a still of "Arietti the Little Man Who Borrowed Something".
Children are feet, and education is shoes