"In adolescence, there is no growth without rebellion." ——Wang Zhanjun, President of the Education Research Institute of the China-China Federation of China and Relatives in Beijing
I was woken up by my girlfriend's "serial call". The girlfriend roared angrily, "You know, my son actually blocked me!" ”
It turned out that the child's grandmother and girlfriend chatted, saying that his son's recent photos were very handsome, the girlfriend was very confused, how did I not see the photos sent by my son, a turn almost exploded, the original son actually shielded himself.
My girlfriend cried and said, "I used to like to talk to me about anything in my heart, but now I'm blocked!" What happened to him, I had to know through someone else. Am I so annoying? ”
The circle of friends is blocked by children, which is actually the pain of many mothers!
Even Fu Seoul, who has always been very confident in the parent-child relationship, has doubted himself because he was blocked by his son.
In order to celebrate his son's birthday, Fu Seoul invited a bunch of friends to blow candles for his son, but the son coldly expressed his dislike and told his mother that he did not like to be overly concerned.
Later, she found out from her friends that her son's birthday circle of friends actually blocked herself, and he thanked many people in the circle of friends, which did not include himself and Lao Liu. This caused her great frustration.
Fu Seoul couldn't figure out how "such an enlightened mother and such a good parent-child relationship would be blocked", she bluntly said that this incident destroyed part of her self-confidence.
Why did I once say nothing to my parents, but now I don't want my parents to know anything? Whose fault is it?
Is blocking parents because parents are incompetent?
Once a child, like an unstoppable nagging, talked a lot of things to make parents feel irritable. What to eat, what to play, what happened between the children today, the children told their parents everything.
But after entering puberty, they become another person, silent, asking a word, closing the door when they get home, wondering what they think is getting harder and harder?
Why do children become strangers overnight, is it because parents are not doing well enough, and incompetence leads to the alienation of children?
From the "Circle of Friends Annual Family White Paper"
Developmental psychology states that children grow up going through two very important periods of rebellion.
The first is at the age of 3-4, when children fight for the rights of the body, they begin to rebel against the control of their parents, fight for the autonomy of behavioral activities, and realize their own will.
They want to participate in adult life activities and do not want their own things to be done or replaced by others. Likes to say "no" and hopes to hear praise like "you're awesome".
The second rebellious period is what we call puberty, usually between the ages of 12 and 16. Because the growth and development of children is better now, coupled with the complexity of the external environment, some children's puberty will be slightly earlier.
Children in this period develop rapidly physically and mentally, but they are full of imbalances; they are the period of experience that is most complex and full of contradictions. The current situation of psychological adulthood and semi-maturity has caused various contradictions in adolescent children.
They will overestimate their maturity, think that their level of thought and behavior belongs to adults, and pursue the same equal status as adults.
They began to pay attention to their independent status, protect their privacy, and began to pay attention to the construction of their independent spiritual world. It shows that it no longer talks to his parents, begins to have his own secrets, and becomes reticent.
Therefore, the estrangement of adolescent children from their parents is a necessary stage, and it has nothing to do with whether they are competent parents or whether you have ever had a close parent-child relationship.
How to deal with your child's blocking of themselves?
For adolescence, the Japanese psychologist Hayato Kawai has a very wonderful analogy. He believes that adolescent children are like a pupa between a caterpillar and a butterfly, looking calm on the outside, but in fact, there have been earth-shaking changes on the inside.
Getting along with adolescent children is no longer suitable for ordinary parent-child relationships, but is an art.
1. Stay awake and calm
Da Zhang Wei's evaluation of adolescence is very interesting: "Adolescent rebellion is like a cold, you just work hard, he will be good when the time comes." ”
When the child calls the female classmate, the parents feel that the child is in love;
When the child lies, the parents feel that the child has become bad;
Playing mobile phones for a while, playing games for a while, parents feel that their children are hopeless.
Many parents face puberty, such as facing a great enemy, more nervous and sensitive than their children. A little wind and grass are chaotic. Such doubts and ghosts eventually lead to the child's disgust and escape.
Children don't want to be always suspected by their parents, hate endless explanations, and in order to avoid these troubles, they choose not to let their parents know.
Children want to return to their own circles, have their own space to hide their hearts and secrets, have their own time to think and explore, they begin to reject the previous slimy parent-child relationship, and desire mutual respect and independence.
Therefore, in the face of adolescent children, no matter what they do, parents must first remain calm and sober, do not dwell too much on the changes of children, and entangle why children are no longer intimate with themselves.
Adolescent children, and parents are strange is normal, if as always sticky, but should be taken seriously!
2. Take a step back
Psychologist Heim G. G. Ginort noted:
Teenage kids are outraged by unsolicited attention and advice. For children who begin to alienate themselves, if they still take care of and take care of them in great detail as before, they will let the children escape farther.
The greatest blessing for adolescent children is to have parents who are willing to change for them.
Japanese writer Haruki Murakami and Hayato Kawai had a conversation, and the process perfectly explained the way to communicate with adolescent children.
At their first meeting, Hayao Kawai always put himself in the position of a listener. Don't take the initiative to open his mouth, don't interrupt, don't ask, Murakami said, "He almost didn't take the initiative to open his mouth, just quietly listened to me alone, seemed to be thinking about something in the depths of his eyes, and there would be a ride that echoed it, and said yes and yes well at the right time." Let the speaker express itself in its entirety.
The next day, Hayao Kawai was a completely different person, wise and erudite, responsive, eyebrows flying, and "even telling jokes like cannons, and his expression suddenly became clear."
Haruki Murakami said that the feelings that were entangled in his mind, which were very uncomfortable, always wanted to do something but did not know what to do, were incredibly gently dissolved.
Hayato Kawai listened attentively, responded appropriately, and empathized in a timely manner, making Murakami feel comfortable and relaxed, expressing himself freely.
Parents should do the same with adolescent children.
For adolescent children, parents should not be pressed step by step because their children have taken the wrong path, and they must know every behavior well. What parents have to do is to learn to listen more and observe more, talk less and command less. Empathize with the child more, and stand more in the child's point of view.
In addition, parents should continue to learn, further understand the child's psychology and development, master more scientific and effective guidance skills, and give sincere and valuable suggestions when the child encounters difficulties in adolescence.
The book "Decoding Adolescence" points out that teenagers are the most self-sufficient, especially eager to gain freedom, respect, and recognition from others.
When you find that you have been blocked by your child one day, you don't have to be sad or panic, but you should celebrate in your heart for your child to enter a new stage of life.
At this time, it is not the child who changes, but himself, changes his concepts and methods, and is the one who is still ready to listen to the child, escorting the child's growth.