There is a popular saying on the Internet:
"One of the characteristics of contemporary young people is that big things are becoming more and more tolerant, and small things are becoming more and more irritable."
This sentence is also suitable for parents.
Children are angels on one side and little demons on the other, and sometimes they are really overwhelming:
Grinding and rubbing at night without sleeping, sleeping feels coaxed for half a day;
Sent to school in the morning, you are in a hurry, look back, the little ancestor is not in a hurry;
Not to mention when doing homework, a topic can be repeated three or five times and you can still do it wrong, and finally you are angry and gritted your teeth;
Encountering a bear child who does not cooperate is the biggest test of temper...
So we throw tantrums, yells, scolds, and even hits the child until the child is honest.
However, the anger was refreshing for a while, and I regretted breaking my intestines.
After the anger is over, it is more guilty, thinking that the face that has just been angry and distorted remains in the child's heart, and I can't stop the pain.
01
Why are we so angry with our children?
Parents are irritable, and in most cases, it is not that the child is too naughty and difficult to teach, but that the parents' lives are in trouble.
Some parents are angry with their children, not because the children have done much bad. It is that his current state is not good, just when the child appears with some small problems, it becomes a fuse.
A netizen once shared his experience:
He has a mother who doesn't have a good temper, and her anger is like a time bomb, not knowing when it will explode.
For example, when he came home from school, he just turned on the TV and his mother yelled at him:
"I know that watching TV, I can't do any housework!"
The next day after school, he obediently cleaned up, but did not expect his mother to be angry again:
"Homework is not done either! Fool around here! ”
According to his words, Mom always found reasons to be angry at herself.
Parents like this are essentially because they are not happy, so they go to find their children's unhappiness.
For another example, the child does not listen to how to eat well, and the mother is angry and threatening.
Think about it carefully, the emergence of this bad emotion is not because the child does not eat, but the mother's sense of loss of control and powerlessness to the child, so she uses anger to force the other party to obey herself.
Swiss psychologist Verena Custer put it this way in her book Anger and Attack: "Anger comes from the hidden potential of anger within us. ”
Simply put, children are not the source of our anger, but the root cause is that the parents themselves have negative emotions.
Irritable parents have the fire of anger in their hearts, which will be so easily ignited.
02
How lethal are irritable parents to their children?
There used to be a hot topic on Weibo called: Children raised by irritable parents.
The article tells the story of a psychologist who asked many children who grew up in such a native family, and summarized many characteristics.
Like what:
Constantly apologizing, will apologize for all normal things;
Unable to control one's desire for control, because you feel responsible for everyone's feelings;
Especially afraid of disappointing others;
Insecurity, fear of abandonment;
Always pleasing others and ignoring your own feelings;
Very easy glass heart;
......
Under this Weibo, nearly 30,000 netizen comments are expressing empathy.
I have to admit that there is an irritable parent, and the psychological damage caused to the child is difficult to repair.
On the one hand, it deeply hurts the relationship and trust between parents and children, on the other hand, children will show great sensitivity when getting along with others, and they are more likely to be hurt.
Psychology guru Adler said:
"Lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives; unfortunate people are cured of childhood all their lives."
Irritable parents, it is difficult to raise happy children.
03
How to reduce the harm of your anger to your child?
Can parents never be angry with their children?
The answer is hard.
There is simply no way for people to quit their emotions.
The problem for most parents is that they don't express anger, that it's not terrible to be angry with their children, and that the real horror is that anger comes frequently and indiscriminately.
So, how can you reduce the harm your anger can do to your child?
When you're in a bad mood, give yourself a few minutes to stay away from your child
Anger is often a matter of moments, reason has not yet come to life, and out of control anger leads us to do things that hurt each other.
So when you are in a bad mood, don't try to educate your children at this time.
To give yourself time to calm down and figure out "why you are angry", what we have to practice is to pause, wait patiently for a few seconds before making a decision, or leave the scene of the conflict temporarily, go back to the room or bathroom to calm down.
Communicate your emotions with your child and express your feelings objectively
Negative emotions, suppressed and forgotten, are difficult to disappear.
The best way to do this is to open your heart and speak out about your troubles, so that this emotion can be released.
As Dr. Thomas Gordon, author of P.E.T. Parental Effectiveness Training, once said:
"Parents are better off not going against their true feelings by trying to expand their acceptance area."
As parents, we can also communicate emotions directly with our children and honestly express our true feelings in our hearts, such as "Mom is really tired now", "This makes me angry", "I am very unhappy now" and so on.
Don't worry too much about this honesty will affect the child, he can learn from the expression of the parents, negative emotions are very normal, even parents and mothers, need to have a person to understand their feelings.
If you get angry, remember to repair your relationship with your child
After witnessing the adults getting angry, most of the children are sincerely afraid.
Sincerely apologize to your child, find a quiet place, explain to your child why you just lost your temper, and express your expectations, pointing out a clear path for your child to correct mistakes:
"Mom is too tired at work today to get angry with you, Mom just hopes that you can rest early, otherwise she will be late for school tomorrow."
Try to make your child forgive himself and let his child know that there is no shame in apologizing. This demonstration itself allows children to see the value of apologies.
Whether it is a parent or a child, growth is a process of continuous self-reflection and self-correction.
Recognize mistakes and work hard to make up for them, and you and your child will get better and better.
It's important to remember: the angrier you get, the worse your life gets.
At the end of the article, I share a children's poem by Taiwanese writer Zhang Wenliang, "Lead a snail to a walk".
If you can't help but get angry with your child, read it:
"Lead a snail for a walk"
God gave me a task to lead a snail for a walk.
I can't go too fast. The snail has tried its best to climb, why is it always a little bit every time? I urge it, I bluff it, I blame it. The snail looked at me with apologetic eyes, as if to say: People have tried their best! I pulled it, I pulled it, I even wanted to kick it. The snail was injured, it was sweating, gasping for breath, crawling forward... Why did God tell me to take a snail for a walk? My God! Why? The sky was silent. alas! Maybe God caught the snail and went! All right! Let go! Anyway, God doesn't care, what else do I care? Let the snail climb forward, and I sulk in the back. Hey? I smelled the flowers, and it turned out that there was a garden over here. I felt the breeze, the original breeze in the night so gentle. Slow down! I hear birds chirping, I hear insects chirping. I saw how bright the stars were in the sky! Hey? How come I didn't have such a delicate experience before? I suddenly remembered, could I be wrong? It was God who told a snail to take me for a walk.
Educating a child is like holding a snail for a walk, don't worry, don't be angry, give him more time, the child will walk slowly, but it will definitely go far.
A little attention, may we all be patient parents.