When pregnant, parents will always have all kinds of fantasies about the child in the belly. If it is a girl, hope is a cute and well-behaved little prince; if it is a boy, hope is a brave and kind little prince.
However, the facts are often not satisfactory. Just like my nephew and niece, my nephew is a boy who is born with a sense of security and low timidity, with a huge lung capacity, crying whenever there is something, crying for two hours, and can easily divert attention. And my niece is a little girl who is not afraid of heaven, curious about everything, dares to try anything, easily does not cry, cries a few times. My uncle made a swing for my niece, and she played with the wind and water, and my nephew did not dare to sit down, and he cried when he hugged it.
My sister also wondered, according to the little princess to cultivate, how did it become a tomboy? He has always encouraged his child to be brave, why is he still so timid?
We think that when the child is born, he does not understand anything, and his temperament is determined according to the guidance of his parents and teachers, until I read Zhang Daimei's book "Discovering the Child's Natural Temperament", and I knew that the original child inherited unique genes from the moment of conception, with unique personality and ability. This kind of unique temperament cannot be reversed by acquired cultivation.
Is that to let go of the child's education? Of course not, the old saying is good "know thyself and know each other, never lose a battle", we want to cultivate children, first of all, we must understand the temperament of children, if parents force children to do according to their expectations, it is not only difficult to succeed, but also may trigger a war between children and parents, affecting parent-child relationship. Therefore, only by correctly understanding the temperament of children and teaching according to their aptitudes can we raise children well.
Zhang Daimei, the author of the book "Discovering children's innate temperament", is a master's degree in psychology research from National Taiwan University, and she has rich experience in clinical psychological counseling, bringing another perspective based on psychological knowledge theory to worried parents in the book - every child has a unique innate temperament.
So, what is temperament? Psychologists call the child's response pattern to internal or external stimuli "temperament", and we can also understand temperament as a child's personality trait. People with different temperaments will have their own unique way of acting when interacting with the outside world, and this way of acting will also affect the way others react to themselves.
A big part of a child's temperament is due to heredity. Of course, some unexpected situations during the mother's pregnancy, such as extreme emotional tension or depression in pregnant women, smoking and alcoholism, drug abuse, diseases, etc., may also affect the temperament of the fetus. However, no matter what, temperament is innate.
American psychologists Thomas and Chess proposed nine different temperament directions in the 1960s, namely activity, regularity, avoidance, adaptability, reaction intensity, emotional essence, persistence, distraction, and response threshold. Zhang Daimei gave these nine types of temperament specific test methods, which can help parents more fully understand their own and their children's temperament characteristics, become a master of truly understanding children, and finally get out of the parenting powerless!
Next, we must talk specifically about what these nine temperaments look like.
First, the amount of activity
Children with a large amount of activity can't stop all day, as if they have endless energy, and they want to run outside as soon as they find an opportunity, even when they sleep. For example, when I fell asleep, I was still upright, but when I woke up, I was already horizontal. Such children often move very hard when they are in their mother's belly. Children with a large amount of activity will also talk more after learning to speak, because talking is another way of energy consumption. Especially when their movements are restricted, such as sitting in class, on transportation, and they keep talking.
Children with a small amount of activity like static activities, do not like outdoor sports very much, even if they go out, they just sit quietly and rarely exercise. These children are often well-behaved children in the eyes of their parents and teachers. They are not easily injured or in conflict with others.
Second, regularity
Children with high regularity do things at a fixed time each day. For example, when they reach a fixed time, they want to eat, they want to sleep at a fixed time, and even their bowel movements are very punctual. Such children, even when they grow up, have a very regular daily routine and will organize their own belongings. Parents and teachers are better at predicting and controlling such children, but it is precisely because of their higher regularity that they are less able to adapt to changes in the environment. For example, children usually have the habit of napping, and occasionally a few days of travel can not take a nap, children will be very unaccustomed.
Some children have a lower regularity in life, and the time to do something every day is not very fixed. For example, sleeping during the day and having a long spirit at night; shouting to eat when not eating, and not wanting to eat when it is time. They usually prefer to throw away toys and other items, and their living habits seem disorganized. But such children encounter unexpected situations in life, but they can adapt better.
Third, avoidance
Refers to people's first reaction when they encounter something new. Tendency is to take the initiative to be curious, avoiding generally referring to shy retreat.
Children who tend to be inclined, that is, children with a strong desire to explore, are often full of curiosity about new things and will take the initiative to explore. It is manifested in interpersonal relationships, that is, the kind of people who are "self-acquainted". For example, some children are born not afraid of strangers, who laugh and who hold. However, children's ability to distinguish between right and wrong and the ability to predict danger are often weak. Therefore, for children who are biased, parents should teach them to distinguish between right and wrong, how to avoid danger, etc.
On the contrary, the children who are partial to the direction, that is, the children who are easy to be shy and withdrawn, they are not unimportant about new things, but they need a time process to accept new things, that is, what we usually call "slow heat" people. For such children, parents and teachers should take it step by step, give their children more opportunities, and encourage them to take the first step. At the same time, it is necessary to take children out more, contact new people and new things, and help children overcome shyness and fear.
Fourth, adaptability
A child with a high degree of adaptability, no matter how the environment changes, he can always adapt quickly. In this rapidly changing society, they will adapt to the environment better. But high adaptability can sometimes lead to bad results. For example, when encountering a bad environment, children with high adaptability are also easily assimilated by the environment. Therefore, in the process of children's growth, parents should pay special attention to the impact of the environment on their children to prevent children from going astray.
Let's talk about children with low adaptability, they have a hard time adapting to a changing environment and it takes a long time to transition. For children with low fitness, parents can inform the environment or before the end of the matter, so that they have time to prepare. For example, if a child is having fun in the playground, don't suddenly let him stop playing and go home. You can tell him 10 minutes in advance: "In another 10 minutes we will be home." ”
Fifth, the intensity of the reaction
More responsive children are easily perceived by their joys, sorrows, and needs. When you are happy, you can laugh, when you are angry, you can be like a volcano, crying is deafening, and when you are sick with a cold, you want everyone to know that he is not feeling well.
Conversely, children with weaker responses, whether happy or sad, react lightly and less intensely. It is difficult for outsiders to perceive their needs and are easily overlooked, so we need to pay more attention.
However, it is necessary to remind you that sometimes, whether it is a strong emotional response or a weak child crying, it may not only mean that they have physical and psychological needs, but also may have the purpose of manipulating others, and they try to coerce adults to compromise by crying. Therefore, parents should distinguish whether the child's crying is really uncomfortable or whether it is deliberately manipulating emotions.
Sixth, the nature of emotions
The essence of emotions refers to the time when the child shows happiness and friendliness in a day, or when it is unhappy and unfriendly.
Some children laugh when they see people, which is what we often call "lotte pie". Such children are usually more popular and are the pistachios that people love.
Some children often put on a serious expression, it is easier to be nervous when things happen, and it is difficult to see their smiles. Many people think that such children are "young and old". In fact, children with serious expressions are not necessarily unhappy in their hearts, they just don't show it. They also long in their hearts to be close to others. It's just that they don't know how to keep their faces on their faces, and it's easy to reject people thousands of miles away, so we need to guide them to show their emotions.
Seventh, persistence
Children with high persistence will stimulate their fighting spirit when facing difficulties, and the more courageous they are. At the same time, they also believe that their efforts will have good results. They will go out of their way to challenge the difficulties. Children with high levels of persistence tend to have better academic performance. But when children use this insistence on confronting their parents, it is not necessarily a good thing. Therefore, when the child is older, it is necessary to establish clear family rules, such as disagreement, not to suppress with authority, nor to compromise and give in, but to negotiate the best of both worlds.
Children with low persistence are less likely to stick to their ideas and are prone to compromise and follow the flow, so they are easier to get along with in life. But they often lack self-determination and are easy to give up. They like to pick simple things to do, do not want to challenge or overcome difficulties, and often choose to give up or seek help from others. Therefore, when parents think that children are good to bring when they are young, when they reach the school age stage, parents will be nervous about their learning attitude. In the learning stage, parents should encourage their children more, gradually increase the difficulty of learning, and reduce their frustration. Never compare them with other children, let alone discourage their self-confidence, otherwise, children will easily give up on themselves.
Eighth, concentration
Children with high concentration are not easily distracted, and even if you divert his attention, he will still think about the previous things. This type of child is hard to soothe when they cry, and my nephew is like that. But they tend to be more attentive when they study and do things.
A child with low concentration, when you distract him, will immediately follow your pace and forget what just happened. In this kind of child, it is easier to soothe emotions. When crying, just give him toys or food, and he will soon forget what he just asked.
Ninth, sensitivity
Children with high sensitivity will feel as long as the external stimuli exceed his tolerance. For example, if his parents speak to him in a slightly higher voice, they will cry like rain. The light was a little stronger than they could stand. Some children are even uncomfortable with the labels on their clothes or the threads that appear on their socks. It is difficult for others to understand the feelings of such children, and they also misunderstand that they are deliberately looking for trouble.
Children with low sensitivity do not care much about external stimuli, that is, we often say that the nerves are more "big". They are slow to react and do not look at the color. For example, they accidentally soiled the children's clothes, but they still play happily and did not know it. For these reactions of children, parents should pay attention to them. In daily life, children should be guided to learn to observe and interpret the behavior of others, guess each other's inner feelings through expressions and actions, and interpret the emotions of others.
It should be emphasized here that there is no good or bad temperament of children. What matters is whether the child's temperament can be coordinated with the environment in which they live.
So how can parents discover their children's temperament, and what skills are there in parenting?
The author believes that the best way to discover the child's temperament is to observe carefully in the child's daily life.
When parents discover their children's temperament, what skills are they in the process of educating their children?
First of all, guide your child to deal with interpersonal relationships. The most basic and crucial relationship in interpersonal relationships is the parent-child relationship. Parent-child relationships are influenced by the temperament of both parents and children. When the temperaments of the two sides coincide, they will be very harmonious. If the temperaments of the two sides coincide, there may be constant conflict.
Understanding the child's temperament, in addition to helping the child to cultivate good interpersonal relationships, can also help cultivate the child's strengths. For example, when helping children choose interest classes, we must first consider the child's interests and talents, if you can combine the child's temperament, the child's learning process will be more smooth.
Understanding the temperament of the child can also help parents plan their children's future reasonably. For example, children with high regularity are more suitable for repetitive work, children with high adaptability are more suitable for work with high teamwork, and so on.
However, it should be emphasized that parents can put their expectations for their children in mind as a reference, and cannot replace their children's choices. Parents must not presuppose positions and cram their children into the box they expect.
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