Most parents actually love their children, but sometimes, we are subject to our own "immaturity" and unconsciously embark on a "pit baby road".
Focus on self-needs and ignore the child's inner desires
This type of parent likes to strengthen their will on their children, and most of the requirements for their children are to meet their own needs.
For example, there are many parents who choose interest classes for their children according to their own preferences, although it seems to be for the sake of their children's future, but in fact, to some extent, they are satisfying their vanity or letting their children achieve unfulfilled wishes for themselves.
For example, in the TV series "Little Joy", the divorced mother Song Qian pinned all her goals and hopes for life on her daughter Yingzi, hoping to obtain a sense of personal achievement through her daughter's talent. However, her authoritarianism and harshness have caused the originally enthusiastic and lively Hideko to fall into depression and face huge psychological difficulties.
Gorky said: "I am alone the sole legitimate master of my life and soul." "Mature parents should be based on the inherent needs of their children and let them be the masters of their own lives."
If parents only care about themselves and ignore the child's internal needs, it will seriously damage the child's self-esteem and sense of value. In addition, under the authoritarian control of parents, children are also more likely to have psychological problems such as anxiety and depression.
Poor emotional control skills, using children as emotional windows
Such parents are more focused on their emotions and feelings, and often attribute bad emotions to their children.
The most common words of emotional parents are: "It is because you made me angry, I hit you", "Can you be obedient and don't fight against me", "I am really unfortunate, how can I have such a disobedient child of yours", "If it were not for you, I would not be so embarrassed now" and so on.
Children who grow up in the midst of parental reproach are prone to feelings of guilt, and many times even if they have done nothing wrong, they will show criticism and doubt about themselves.
In addition, children who have long wronged themselves to accommodate their parents can easily develop a flattering personality. They sacrifice their own emotions in exchange for the approval of others, so that they are at a disadvantage in social relations and have difficulty attaining true happiness.
In the Japanese drama "Kai's New Life", the 28-year-old Oshima is an ordinary company employee who hopes to get along well with the people around her and wronged herself everywhere.
Colleagues sent a circle of friends, she was the first to like;
Colleagues invited her to dinner, she was embarrassed to refuse, in fact, she brought her own bento;
Colleagues made mistakes at work, in the face of colleagues asking for help, she took the initiative to stand up and back the pot;
The boyfriend likes to be black and straight, but she is born to roll herself, so she gets up two hours early every day to pull her hair. But all this did not make everyone like her, colleagues rejected her, laughed at her stupidity, and the boyfriend did not intend to marry her...
And Oshima's development of such a character comes from her mother's constant accusations and reminders. Her mother always taught her to be a good girl, to study, work, and marry normally like everyone else. For the daughter's tap-roll, the mother constantly mocked this as "shameful hair" and asked her not to live with a shameful hair.
Mother's accusations and ridicule make Kai fall deeply into the shadow of inferiority, no self-confidence, no sense of security, thinking that only by taking care of the feelings of others can she be loved...
Take the child as an emotional outlet, always treat the child with a severe negative attitude, slowly the child will be inferior, insecure, mature parents, to learn to manage their own emotions, do not let the child's life become a victim of our bad emotions.
Obsessed with the role of parent, refuse to interact intimately with children
Such parents attach great importance to the status of elders, think that children should respect and fear themselves, and they refuse to put down their bodies to play with their children and enter the inner world of their children.
There is a post online. A lady said that her father was very strict and cold to himself from an early age. In her memory, there is never a picture of interacting with her father and laughing together, but more of a communication and interaction with a sense of distance.
Whenever she took the initiative to share interesting things with her father, she would always be rejected or taught: "You should still spend more time on studying." So, she has felt lonely since she was a child, and the thing she longs for the most is to leave home and integrate into a welcoming place.
In childhood, children's world is only their parents, and home is the only way for them to explore the outside world. Children who are rejected by their parents will not only spend a lonely childhood, but also fall into loneliness because of a lack of security and belonging after entering society.
Some children will internalize this sense of loneliness and generate emotional illnesses such as depression; some children will attract attention and confirm their presence through bad behavior, such as fighting, drinking and drug use, etc.
Mature parents must know how to use unconditional love to create a sense of security and belonging for their children, which is the basic criterion for improving the parent-child relationship.
There's a line in The Neglected Child: "All of us have disappointments with our parents." No one's parents are perfect, and no one's childhood is perfect."
Even now, as parents, we are immature and do not have to be too anxious. At least from this moment on, we can learn and improve, and strive to become a parent who can give our children a healthy life.