What is it like to have an adolescent child at home?
Even a second ago, you may still be worried that your intimacy is no longer there;
A second later, you look at the child in front of you who does not enter the oil and salt, and you can't help but think of hatred in your heart: adolescent children are not cute at all!
Yes, as a parent of an adolescent child, you will not adapt, and your heart will often be full of contradictions.
Also full of contradictions are children in adolescence.
Adolescence is the transition from childhood to adulthood, and to be precise, they are neither "children" nor "adults" at this time. As their brains develop, so does the world around them, and they are both excited about new discoveries and new opportunities, and terrified of the future because they have lost the sense of security of their childhood world.
They are conflicted and wavering.
They have thousands of thoughts in their hearts, but they don't know how to express them.
Parents want to lend a helping hand, but to their children it sounds like annoying preaching.
You will find that adolescent children are becoming more and more like gloomy invisible people at home, they are no longer the heels that are wrapped around their parents as soon as they come home, more and more time, they just stay in their rooms, when they eat, you tell him to come out, after eating, silently sneak back. You nagged a few words, and they just closed the door.
At the same time, the door to communication between adolescent children and their parents is also closed.
Is there an effective way to help parents communicate with their adolescent children?
While reading the book Why My Adolescent Kids Don't Talk to Me, I was pleasantly surprised to find some useful ways to do it. The original author of the book, Dr John Coleman, is a senior researcher and adolescent psychologist at the University of Oxford in the United Kingdom, who is also a consultant to the British government's youth-related policies, and has been praised by the British media as "the person who understands adolescent children the most". Most importantly, he has long run adolescent parent workshops to provide professional advice and support services for adolescents and families, so he is by no means a theoretician who only talks on paper, he is a practitioner who constantly combines the latest research results with children's and family cases in practice.
How will his writings help us with the upbringing of this important and difficult time of adolescence? Let's take a look at some of the ideas summarized from the book Why My Adolescent Kids Don't Talk to Me.
Original author Dr. John Coleman
01
Families with adolescent children,
What are you going through?
Most of the families interviewed mentioned some of the challenges associated with adolescence. For example, some parents feel sad because they have lost their intimate relationship with their son or daughter, while others are angry at the constant quarrels between teenagers or the fact that their children always reject their own suggestions.
Parents will have this confusion:
What is the right way to be a good parent at this stage?
How strict or easy-going should you be?
What's the best way to support a teen who pushes you away?
What if he doesn't do his homework, stays up in the middle of the night on his phone or the Internet?
You want to give them advice, but they don't want to listen, and you're worried that they're making a mistake...
Let's hear what your child thinks:
"Times are different. Adults often say 'in my time' and things like that. But a lot of things have changed, and they always want to go back in time. ”
"People like our parents grew up in a world completely different from ours..."
"Adults tend to forget how they felt when they were younger, and many of them seem to have become their own parents! When they are young, they will also complain about their parents, but when they have their own children, they will do exactly the same things that make teenagers complain about them. Interestingly, they completely forgot what they thought at that age. ”
Do not understand each other, each has its own inner contradictions, different ages, different growth environments, different concepts, etc., so that the communication between adolescents and parents becomes more unsuccessful.
Parents and children talk to themselves and there is no effective way to communicate
02
What affects the effectiveness of communication?
Parents mostly think they need to speak or make decisions, believing that communication is one-way – from parent to child. In fact, communication is a two-way street, and children have the same control as their parents.
For example, children often say that their parents are not interrogating them ("Why don't you go to your homework?"). "), which is to tell them how to do it ("You should finish your homework before playing!"). It's all a single piece of communication, only one party is talking. And the child will only catch the negative information in the words of the parents: the parents complaining or preaching to me.
Two-way communication is when everyone has the opportunity to speak and feel heard. This is a key point in the communication between parents and children.
There are two factors that affect the effectiveness of communication:
1. Parents just talk and don't listen
Almost everyone assumes that while they are talking, others are listening. Most of the time, children don't pay attention to everything their parents say, and they may only listen to half of it. So parents have to consider both the importance of what is being said and the audience. You may think you're speaking very clearly, but the listener may be thinking of something else and wandering, or it may be that your tone has misinterpreted the other person and closed the door to listening as soon as you opened your mouth.
Therefore, it is recommended that when parents want to communicate with their children, they should consider as much as possible about the other party instead of themselves or what they want to say, and adjust the conversation information in time according to the other party's reaction, so as to increase the chances of being listened to.
2. Various "filters" that affect communication
Your child will use some of the "filters" you've set up to block out the information you're trying to express.
"Power relations" are one of the "filters" that children use the most. For example, a simple question from a parent: "How are you doing your homework?" Children will think that parents are using their power to ask about their children's situation, which will turn into an order to them: "As your parent, I want you to hurry up and do your homework!" ”
Another "filter" that often acts on children is "expectation". As long as parents have expectations for a topic of information, children will be sensitive to these implicit "expectations" and become internally repulsive.
Over time, these filters close the door to communication. Before you want to communicate with your child, first self-examine whether you have touched these "minefields" of your child in your next conversation, and avoid the child's disgusting emotional direction in order to communicate better.
When you order them to stop playing, they have automatically closed the door to communication
03
Adolescent children,
Prefer to spend time with peers.
So "parents don't matter"?
Children entering puberty, parents will find that they are more and more independent, they no longer need to be accompanied all the time, they will go out alone to find friends to play, and they can even go farther and farther away from the places they can go, which is the result of the continuous improvement of their comprehensive ability. As parents, we are pleased with our children's growth. But with that comes the loss.
Many times, they can chat endlessly with their friends, but they don't seem to have much to say to you, as if they prefer to be with friends than you.
Isn't that that less important for adolescent children than parents?
In fact, this is also a point that parents often overlook.
Even if with the independence of the child, the parents increasingly become the background of the child's growth, rather than the central figure in their life, but that does not mean that "the parents are not important".
All the research on parenting tells us how important parents are during adolescence. Teens perform well, usually because their parents are always supportive, not just offering them money or material things, but showing interest in their things and providing support in key moments.
Parents can provide their children with:
Warmth, nurturing and love;
Stability;
Support in the event of difficulties;
Recognition of the importance of adolescents;
Arrangements and boundaries;
From healthy behaviors to role models for conflict management;
An environment that supports healthy brain development.
So don't assume that children sometimes act impatient with you and assume that they don't need you anymore. Keep this in mind: even for adolescent children, parents are extremely important!
04
The child grows up again,
Just like a child needs your love
There are many books on the importance of parental love for their children. It's easy to talk about love when we're dealing with small children, but it's much harder to talk about love when we're dealing with teenagers.
Teenagers need love just like children, but the love they need is expressed in different ways.
For example, they need sustained support. They need you to always be behind them, like a rock, even if you're still there when they leave and come back.
For example, they may not even realize how much they need the love of their parents, they do not want the love of their parents to do everything themselves, but the love of unconditional support and help behind them.
Love and affection for older children can be expressed through care, through genuine attention to their interests, through care in stressful situations. There are many ways you can express your love for them, and which ways can work in your home, depending on the way you express love on the one hand, and the child's reaction to your way on the other. In short, each child's needs are different, and parents should be sensitive to their children's reactions and find effective ways.
Most importantly, remember that no matter how old your son or daughter is, they need as much love as they did in childhood. Love them well, communicate well, help them, and help yourself, and smoothly pass through your child's difficult adolescence!
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