During the lunch break, I received a call from Xiao Ran, a girlfriend of the university, and there was a deep sense of frustration on the phone, "You said, we are also high-achieving students who graduated from 985 university, and we have read a lot of education books, so why can't we get a child?" ”
It turned out that Xiao Ran had another "fight" with his son over the weekend. Xiao Ran's son is in the fifth grade this year, his hands-on ability is particularly strong, he is very assertive, that is, he does not study to be distracted, write a homework, can write three words, never write four words, the teacher requires to read, ignores, weekend or holiday homework is not completed until the last moment, let alone review and preparation. This is of course intolerable for Xiao Ran, who has been a bully since he was a child. Therefore, from time to time, I would "fight" with my son, and I would receive calls from her from time to time.
I believe that every mother has similar entanglements and confusion, once, when the child was not yet born, we hope that he can grow up happily, but as he grows up, he finds that he is more and more contrary to his original intention, education books have read a lot, the truth is also understood a lot, but it is impossible to teach a good child.
01 A tug-of-war that is played out every day
"Bob, get up! Don't make me say it again! "Hurry, why haven't you gotten dressed yet, you're going to be late!"
Your side is hot and furious, anxious like ants on a hot pot, he is there, slowly getting up, dressing, washing his face, ignoring your reminders...
As soon as you enter the door after work, the floor is full of messy toys, books, and even clothes, the child who should be doing homework in peace, while eating snacks, while looking east and west, and the homework book spread out on the desk, but not a word, you immediately "anger from the heart, evil to the guts", a second to open the Hedong roar mode...
Many times, the child obviously makes a mistake, that is, he refuses to admit the mistake, and even sometimes his temper is bigger than yours, and the more you say no, the more he "does" to show you, like a stubborn little donkey. Why do children have to fight us?
02 Seeing the purpose behind a child's behavior is more important than seeing what the child does
In fact, each child's behavior has a specific purpose behind it, which can reflect the child's psychological state or needs. The famous psychologist Rudolf Drex said, "A child who misbehaves is a child who has lost faith." "When a child loses faith, he chooses four inappropriate or wrong purposes for himself — seeking excessive attention, seeking power, retaliation, and self-abandonment."
Mom is busy preparing dinner in the kitchen, the four-year-old girl asked her mother to bring her juice for a while, then ran to the kitchen to let her mother see her paintings, and then asked her mother to accompany her to read picture books. It's "seeking excessive attention" because she thinks she's the center of gravity of her family and everyone should revolve around her. Once this sense of attention is not experienced, it is caused by wrong behavior.
You say to the east, the child is biased to the west, you let him finish his homework before eight o'clock, he has to procrastinate until ten o'clock, this is "seeking power", the child thinks "I have the final say, I don't want to listen to you, I want to be the master for myself".
On the weekend, Dad was busy sorting out and printing the documents to participate in the bidding for the next day, and he couldn't take care of Li Haohao. Hao Hao accidentally spilled a glass of water on the document, and his father was furious and crackled a reprimand. Hao Hao looked at his "vicious" father and shouted angrily, "I hate you! And threw Dad's file to the ground, this is "revenge", the child feels deeply hurt, since you ignore me, but also scold me, then I also want you to accept the same pain!
My baby has loved to play with Lego since she was a child. I often assemble while reading the instructions. Once, when he was fighting an electric model, because the number of particles was too much, the instructions were also a bit complicated, coupled with the line connection, although it was spelled, but it could not be started after pressing the power supply. After several trials, he finally threw the spelled toy aside in a huff, "I gave up, I couldn't find a way to get it to start, so be it, I don't want to try, I don't need help from others." This is self-abandonment, as the saying goes, "broken jar broken".
03 Positive discipline is the magic that eliminates bad behavior in children
Identifying the misconceptions behind a child's actions and their wrong ends is never easy, as children may be able to achieve any of the four wrong ends with the same behavior.
Still using the example of a child writing homework, the child may show a feeling of powerlessness by not doing homework ("Hey, come and see me, you come to see me"), to show power ("You can't subdue me, I want to do it, I don't want to do it"), to seek revenge ("You think my grades are more important than me, which makes me sad, so I want to make you sad too"), to show feelings of powerlessness ("I really won't, this problem is too difficult").
Understanding your child's purpose is important because effective interventions and encouragement are different for different purposes.