The fourth season of "This Is Street Dance" ended successfully, and the overall champion was Ye Yin, who had won the second season. Ye Yin is not only the double champion of "This is Street Dance", he has already won the Lock City World Finals championship as early as 2015, and his achievements in painting are comparable to street dance.
"I have to do the best I love, so I want to paint and hip-hop." "Whatever, if you don't enjoy it, the precious time in your life is just as wasted, so why not do it with passion?"
Why can the leaf tone be so good and transparent? This stemmed from his homeschooling.
His parents have always been very supportive of Ye Yin's interests, whether it is singing and dancing, or musical instruments and martial arts and painting, as long as Ye Yin likes it, he will let him try. Mothers will never judge people or things one-size-fits-all, and they will never cross the line to deal with the problems that children themselves should face. She always gives children plenty of space to inspire them to explore and think independently. Therefore, Ye Yin has become the appearance that each of us wants, doing what she likes to the extreme, and controlling the rhythm of life, full and comfortable.
We say that Ye Yin is "someone else's child", but have we noticed that Ye Yin's parents are also "other people's parents"? Looking at ourselves, do we often unconsciously transform into an octopus and extend our tentacles to every corner of the child's space? ——He said that he was good for the child, but in fact, he ignored the child's thoughts and made a decision for the child.
Why do we always control our children consciously or unconsciously? I found the answer in the book "Secrets with My Family".
The author of the book is hu Shenzhi, a relationship psychologist who is one of the 50 most influential psychologists in China and has more than 20 years of practical experience in counseling. The book "Secrets of Getting Along with Family" is divided into five modules, facing the inner confusion behind family conflicts and major events, untangling the knots in the process of growing up, and not continuing the trauma of the original family, this book explores the secrets of getting along with the family in depth.
Among them, how to face your own desire to "transform" or "control" others? I was most touched.
01 Are you a controlling parent?
The author writes a typical case in the book, a stay-at-home mother has a little obsessive-compulsive disorder, and she likes to do everything on a regular basis and complete it according to plan. She often fails to communicate well with her 10-year-old, and the advice and advice she gives to her children always turns into urging, ordering, and rebuking at the exit. This mother knows that she has a problem but can't solve it, and the conflict with her child is becoming more and more intense, and she is very worried that she will completely break with her child's relationship.
1. The inner world of obsessive-compulsive disorder patients
The author, Teacher Hu Shenzhi, believes that people with obsessive-compulsive disorder are deeply afraid of the external world, afraid of the evaluation of others, afraid of others to disrupt their own order, afraid of falling into a situation of isolation and helplessness. They are desperately eager to be respected by others, and they are also extremely afraid of not being respected, so they desperately maintain their space, hoping to have absolute control, and they feel very hurt and anxious when their power is slightly broken. And in relationships, cooperation and compromise are essential. As a result, people with obsessive-compulsive disorder have difficulty building deep interpersonal connections, and interpersonal relationships are often relatively indifferent.
2. Deep thinking buried behind "advice and advice"
This mother always likes to give advice and advice to her children when they are having fun, and the reason is a psychological imbalance. Because in her view, the child's carefree is her own hard work in exchange, at this time to give the child advice and advice, in fact, is to remind the child to know gratitude (it is likely that the mother herself is not aware of her true intentions), and will also wrap her own behavior with a layer of responsibility and love, claiming that she is for the child's good, so that he will take fewer detours in the future.
The author, Teacher Hu Shenzhi, wrote in the book: This behavior of the mother seems reasonable, but the truth we may not accept, that is, the mother is jealous of her child. The reasons she stated were all lies, and behind the lies was her mother's inability to face her true feelings:
Frustration of not getting rewarded
When the child who is playing on the top of the child is very resistant to the advice and advice of the mother, the mother will feel that her efforts have not been rewarded accordingly, and the good intentions have been ignored, and she will be very wronged.
Panic of relationship rupture
This mother said that she loved the child very much, but in fact, she herself did not know whether she loved this real child who quarreled with herself, or whether she was a child who completely surrendered to herself and fulfilled her wishes. This mother's love for her child is actually very limited, more is afraid of losing control, hoping that the child can satisfy her own experience as a good mother. So between the mother's control and the child's resistance, a vicious circle is formed, and the mother is more and more worried and afraid of losing the connection with the child.
Feeling powerless to feel like you can't do it
When this mom can't get things to work out the way she wants, she's particularly depressed, helpless, and even desperate. Although interacting with children is frequent, the most important feeling in their emotional connection is not love, but strong and deep hatred. Although both mother and child long for love, they are so powerless and helpless.
Maybe, we don't feel like we have obsessive-compulsive disorder like this mother, but we must have experienced such a situation: "Say 8 o'clock out, the time is over, what are you still rubbing?" "Because you said you wanted to eat this dish, I started preparing last night, and now it's almost noon and you want to eat outside?" "You like to dance, but how many people will be able to dance famously in the future?" If you don't spend all your energy on learning now, what will you do in the future? ”......
While we don't have obvious obsessive-compulsive disorder, are we equally disappointed, irritable, or even angry when things don't go according to our plans, or when we don't get the results we want? We feel that we are not respected, and a deep sense of frustration and powerlessness will come to mind in an instant.
02 How to overcome your desire for control
First of all, the mother must take care of herself and satisfy herself
Moms should have their own hobbies and friends, and achieve self-satisfaction through their own efforts, rather than expecting others to satisfy themselves, so as to feel the fullness of life. When a person's heart is strong, interpersonal relationships will be the icing on the cake for him, not in the snow.
The mother in the book has always expected relationships in the snow, and has always expected her child to meet her inner needs and take care of her inner feelings that she cannot face, so she always requires that her children must be obedient.
When the child was very young, he was obedient and obedient because he was attached to his mother. But when the child grows up with a strong sense of self and begins to work hard to maintain himself, he will clash with his mother. In fact, the mother should think about whether the impression she gives to the child is "the mother is very wronged and easy to be hurt", or "the mother is very strong and has a strong heart"? This is very important for the growth of the child.
Nonviolent communication
To establish a good parent-child relationship, the authors recommend using nonviolent communication. When a conflict occurs, it is recommended that the mother first calm down, jump out of her own identity, objectively examine the incident, and see what really happened.
For example, the mother asks the child to write homework, and the child does not go. So, what did Mom think when she made these requests? She may already be tired and want to rest early. In fact, mothers can try to express their needs directly and let their children know.
Of course, expression should be based on mutual respect, not on making demands and commands. For example, the mother can try to say in a gentle tone: "Child, the mother has been busy for a day, and now she is very tired, I hope you can do your homework between what time and what time." This way mom can go to bed early, and you can also rest well and have the energy to study the next day. If you still want to play, play a little longer, but Mom wants you to finish your homework by a few minutes, and you can see how to arrange it yourself. ”
Such an expression is not emotional, not a command, no blame, nor a forced urge, but it can make the child feel the respect of his mother. At this time, the child is facing a real mother, not a good mother in disguise, nor a mother with strong emotions. Learn to calmly express your inner feelings and needs, so as to establish a better parent-child relationship.
In fact, taking ten thousand steps back, even if the child did not write this homework today, the mother really did not have the energy to take care of this matter today, and how bad would the result be? Maybe the child has been criticized by the teacher and ridiculed by the classmates, this taste is not good, the child has borne the lesson of the natural result of not writing homework, and the next day he will take the initiative to write homework. Even if you still don't write your homework the next day, your mother will communicate this problem with him at this time, and the time will be completely in time, so why do you have to decide in the next moment?
03 Write at the end
"Being angry with others is actually just because you can't bear it yourself, so you transfer the pressure to others." Why do we always want to control our children? Maybe it's because we ourselves grew up controlled, and we never doubted the patterns of our growth. We just silently store that anxiety in our hearts, can not be released and released, and now take it out in the same way, pass it on to the child.
What kind of child do we want to harvest? A child who seems to be very obedient and obedient, who has always trimmed himself into the way his parents like, but who has long lost himself in the flattering personality? Or is it a child who grows up under the semantics of a strong parent, slowly awakens to self-awareness, and strives to get rid of his parental control at great pain? Even if he does win, a person's time and energy are limited, do we as parents really want our children to use his precious energy and life to break away from us?
So we can give our children the best love, shouldn't we let go as soon as possible?