Growing up a child, happy a family,
Influencing a society.
The great thinker Rousseau said: "The three most useless methods of education in the world are: reasoning, temper tantrums, and deliberate touching." ”
However, many families in China follow this traditional way of education.
I used to believe in this kind of education, until my son went farther and farther down the road of slag and waste, and then suddenly woke up.
It is said that the child is the emperor of a family, he is good for the whole family, he is not good, and everyone in a family will suffer along with it.
This is the case in our family, because of the children's education problems, the whole family has followed a period of very desperate, chicken and dog jumping days.
Looking back now, I feel a palpitation in my heart, and I can't believe how I survived those days.
My husband and I are both graduates of prestigious universities, and after these years of struggle, the family conditions are getting better and better, and we have a certain amount of savings in life.
Outsiders think we are very comfortable, in fact, since my son went to elementary school, I have become more and more anxious, and my husband is about to be forced to collapse by the child.
Before elementary school, my son was with his grandparents, and he was spoiled and developed many small problems.
After going to elementary school, I found that he was highly dependent, procrastinating, unconscious, and began to feel the need to let him understand a little truth.
So, every day, I would urge behind him, tirelessly telling him how to do this thing, how to do that thing, can't do this, must do this...
At the beginning, my son would still listen a little, and before long, he was more procrastinating, and even many things were unwilling to do themselves, and even homework was asked of every question.
Looking at my son's appearance of the "Great Young Master", I was really angry, and I soon lost the patience to repeatedly reason.
My husband has been stressing in front of me what "no fight, no scolding, no talent", "loving mother and more failures", my anxiety has increased again.
Say don't listen, just scold, really can't, just fight, I think, hard and soft always have the same son will eat it.
So, every day after dinner, the neighbors would hear the "live broadcast" from my house:
Write! A few words also have to be copied for half an hour, what do you really want to do!?
Hurry up! There are also two test papers, you can't finish you don't want to sleep!
How many times have you told this question? Not yet! Did you talk about it in vain?
Are you reading now or am I reading? yes? Just bring all your homework and I'll help you finish it!"
Every time he just looked down and shed tears, sometimes secretly ran to complain to his grandparents.
After a while, the old man ran to ask again, which was already very collapsed, no doubt adding fuel to the fire.
And do not dare to face the old man tantrums, the heart is depressed to death, it is inevitable to find a husband to get angry.
My husband also held his stomach, beat his son and couldn't get his hands on it, and there was no reason to scold the old man, so he could only throw the gas back on me, and he also brought it to work.
Just like the story in the kicking cat effect, the last time caused a series of adverse chain reactions, it also affected the husband's work more and more unsmooth.
I have read a passage from a famous educationalist:
Elementary school is the foundation, junior high school is the sprint, high school is the decisive battle, if the foundation is not solid, the rest is empty talk.
The basis mentioned here is not only academic performance, but more importantly, learning habits and thinking.
In my son's case, nothing works, and I have a sadness that I can see his life at a glance.
In order to make up for the lack of companionship when he was a child, and in order to better help him develop good study habits, I voluntarily gave up the opportunity for promotion.
I was originally the most promising to rise in the department, and now I have become an "old comrade" who is willing to shrink in the corner, and I only hope that my son can win glory for the rest of my life.
My son's performance directly announced to me that the dream was shattered.
In the painful entanglement of the constant cycle of hope, disappointment, and despair, my son turned to the sixth grade.
If he is admitted to a good junior high school, he may be able to have a new start, but with his current performance and grades, the hope is almost zero.
I was almost frantic with anxiety, because I had exhausted everything, there was no improvement at all, and I didn't know what to do.
That day, I went into my son's room and said to him:
"You know what? Over the years, for you, my mother's hair fell off the ground, her health became worse and worse, and her career was gone. I don't want you to repay anything, I just want you to see your parents' efforts and do what you have to do..."
He was playing with his mobile phone, listening, impatiently stood up, dropped a sentence: "From childhood to adulthood, you either hit or scolded, is it not easy for you or for me?" ”
Looking at the back of my son slamming the door, I really wanted to cry without tears, but what I sacrificed in exchange for it was an unfilial son who did not know how to be grateful.
Soon, the middle of the first semester of the sixth grade exam, the three subjects added up to more than 150 points, looking at the report card sent by the teacher, I was really angry.
Painfully, my husband and I both felt that we should do a good job in his study, gritted our teeth, and spent thousands of yuan to enroll our children in the three-subject improvement sprint class, one-on-one counseling.
However, going to cram school every day was another "vicious battle", and the whole family had to go out, and even coaxing and cheating to "beg" him to go out.
The effect of the make-up class is naturally unbearable, and the language quiz even scored a 48 point.
I'm really going to crash!
I feel that I have done everything that should be done, creating such good conditions for him, why can't the child seriously cooperate with learning?
Without purpose and a sense of engagement, why should children work hard?
I looked around the Internet for answers, saw any good suggestions, saw Teacher Huang Weiqiang's "Detonation of Children's Learning Training Camp Course", thought about trying, and signed up.
In the course, I told the teacher truthfully about my son's problems and our education methods, interaction and communication with the children.
After listening to it, the teacher told me to the point: A child's motivation to do things mainly comes from three major factors, namely, a sense of security, a sense of value, and a sense of accomplishment. Do you have any children?
He also said: "Children who are often urged by their parents have either become "extremely dependent" when they grow up, do not take the initiative in everything, rely on parental arrangements, or become "extremely rebellious", specifically working against their parents' opinions. ”
This is simply a true portrayal of my son, the more anxious you are, the more he grinds, the tighter you manage, the more he does not want to learn.
In the course the teacher gave me advice:
If you don't want your child to live as a "marionette" in the future, no matter how difficult it is, you must learn to keep your own boundaries, not to cross the child's boundaries, allow the child to have the experience of being late because of the rubbing, and allow the child to write homework because of slowness.
Let children see the love of their parents for them, rather than blindly demanding and blaming:
When your child is late and is criticized for being unhappy, care for the child: It seems that you are not very happy and need your mother to do something?
When children encounter challenges in learning and want to escape through games, ask children: What do you need your mother's support for learning?
When the child encounters interpersonal pressure, we must pay attention to the child's state in time and take the initiative to support: you have a conflict with your friend, what can the mother help to do?
When we give enough trust and emotional care, children have the opportunity and confidence to develop and explore themselves, and only then will they live out the life state of "I am me". Only after the mistake occurs, will have the courage to face and admit it.
Looking back on these years, my husband and I really asked or demanded on our children, rarely took the initiative to express love, and did not really understand his inner thoughts.
After listening to the teacher's guidance, I reflected on my own practices, and there were indeed many inappropriate places, and even sometimes I came to educate my children with emotions.
When I decided to talk to my son, he seemed to have a feeling that our first deep conversation went surprisingly well.
I apologized to my son and asked him to forgive me for being a mother for the first time, and I didn't do enough in many places, not because I didn't love him, but because I loved him too much, so I was in a hurry.
The son said with red eyes:
"I know, but you and my dad never asked me what I really thought, and I didn't know what I was going to do to make you satisfied, and I didn't know what I was reading for!"
After that deep conversation, I stopped urging him to do anything all day long, just mentioned it.
The son was not very self-conscious at first, and sometimes he would play with his mobile phone until midnight, and the results of the quiz were not ideal. I carefully analyzed the points lost with him on the test paper and praised him for improving his reading questions than before.
He kept staring at my face in disbelief and asked timidly, "Mom, aren't you angry?" You really don't scold me? Or you can hit me!" ”
I touched his head and said, "Mom won't scold you or beat you in the future, mom believes you will make progress slowly!" ”
The son blushed and nodded vigorously, "Hmm! I will definitely try! ”
Really, since then, my son has improved at a speed that is visible to the naked eye, and every day I have new surprises.
Only then did I really understand the teacher's words:
Kids have their own rhythms, all we have to do is support him at his pace and trust him!
Mr. Huang Weiqiang's course made me deeply realize that the so-called conscientious and conscientious practices in the past were very wrong, thinking that as long as I worked hard enough, my children would be able to do what they expected.
In fact, the use of criticism and nagging methods will make children develop the habit of relying on external forces, and over time they will not have the internal motivation to drive themselves to do what they should do!
The teacher said:
To get out of this quagmire, the only way to cultivate children's positive mentality and habits, and use happiness as an internal driving force to overcome pain and conquer difficulties.
So how? Teacher Huang gave me the following suggestions:
1. Apologize to your child. Be sure to do it: control your emotions!
2. Find the advantage subjects first and gain the confidence to learn.
3. Find advantages, stabilize learning confidence, and stimulate the internal driving force of learning.
I have implemented these three suggestions one by one, and I have also formulated a learning plan with my son, as well as small goals for each stage.
The miracle that the scum counterattacked the student bully, which in the past seemed to be even more difficult than ascending to the heavens, actually happened to his son.
Huang Weiqiang's "Detonating Children's Learning Ability" is a course for parents and children to learn together. Every night, there will be a special teacher to teach live teaching, teach learning methods, and there are tutors to answer questions after class, parents can communicate and interact with each other, share educational resources and other links;
Many parents like me, who have been deeply trapped in the misunderstanding of education, have found their way here, guiding thousands of children to learn the internal driving force and saving countless families from "water and fire".
So, I really, really want to share my gains and changes with all my parents!
Educate your child, there is only one chance in this life! No regret medicine at all! Missing it now will delay the child's life!
▍ Article source: Network