Hello everyone, I'm Pinocchio Mom!
Introduction: Yelling at a child may only be a 1-minute thing, but have parents ever thought about how deep the damage caused to the child by this 1-minute yelling is? Maybe it will last a lifetime.
Pino's mother is also often bombarded by her daughter's anger, and can't help but want to yell at her, but after each roar, The baby always does not play cards according to common sense, obviously the tears have not dried, but she cried and ran over to ask for a hug, which really made me both blame myself and overwhelmed.
For example, once, I just finished cleaning, cleaned up my daughter's toys scattered on the ground, turned around and found her holding a watercolor pen on the white sheet "painting", I was half dead in anger, and I couldn't help but yell at my daughter: "How many times has my mother told you that painting can only be painted in a picture book, why don't you remember sex for a long time?" ”
The daughter who was yelled at was obviously frightened, and was stunned in place, her hands were shaking, and the watercolor pen fell to the ground and did not dare to pick it up. Just came over and took my hand, stared at me with a particularly helpless look, didn't say a word, and then stretched out his hands and let me hug.
My daughter's actions made me deeply question: Do children really have no face? Is it true that there is no heart and no lungs? Is it true that there is no revenge?
The child does not speak after being yelled at, why does he ask for a hug in turn
In order to figure out this problem, Pino's mother consulted with the parenting friends around her, and also checked the relevant information, and found that the child was not heartless and lungless, nor was it not vengeful, they clearly knew that they had made mistakes, their parents were very angry, and they cared about it.
In the famous "Cold Face Experiment", the baby can react quickly according to the mother's emotional and behavioral changes, from smiling to anxious to collapsing and crying.
When the child is yelled at, it will cause anxiety and collapse and cry, but the attachment to the parents is obviously more important than these.
In Erikson's theory of personality development, the critical period for a child to build a basic sense of trust is from birth to age 2.
In the eyes of children at this age, parents are the whole world, and the stability of this attachment relationship is very important for the healthy growth of children.
When parents yell at their children, children will feel the instability of this attachment relationship, in other words, "Mom and Dad have criticized me, may not love me anymore..." They will subconsciously adjust themselves and seek a relationship compound.
In addition, the child's brain development is not perfect, for sad and sad things, they will give priority to forget, so they can always quickly rain through the sun, the resilience is much stronger than adults.
Therefore, after being yelled at, they will cry and ask for a hug in turn.
What happened to the children who were often yelled at?
Since her daughter was yelled at for "painting" on the sheets with a watercolor pen, she hardly touched the watercolor pen, and when asked why, she did not answer.
Later, after Pino's mother talked to her husband about this matter, her husband sighed and said: "I can especially understand my daughter's feelings, I especially liked to sing when I was a child, once my father was in a bad mood, I was yelled at by him fiercely when I sang, and the fear of the psychology at that time is still fresh in my memory, and since then, I have not liked singing so much." ”
Listening to my husband's words, I was very remorseful, yelling at my daughter may only have 1 minute, but this time yelling hurt my daughter very much.
Actor Chen Qiaoen, when participating in the reality show, said bluntly: When she was a child, she had bad memories of her mother, and for herself when she was a child, she also used "autism" to describe it.
The reason is that when she was a child, Chen Qiaoen was very insecure, claiming to live in fear every day, because her mother could beat and scold her at any time.
In the face of the interview of the program team, she was very nervous, looking back from time to time, and her fear and fear of her mother was painful.
She said that before she was 20 years old, she never dared to hold her mother's hand, and now that she has grown up, the gap between her and her mother still exists, and when the two are alone, they often do not know what to say and do.
There was a hot search question on the Internet: what happened to children who were often yelled at by their parents?
One of the most liked answers is: very inferior!
When Pino's mother was also often yelled at by her parents when she was a child, especially when she saw the cold eyes of her parents when they yelled and scolded, she would be very scared in her heart, and she always felt that she was a child who was not hurt and loved.
As a result, when you grow up, you are very concerned about the evaluation of the people around you, and when there is uncertainty, you habitually go to please and get attention, and life is always careful and timid. When you are hurt, you will only suffer silently, even if you do a good job, you often self-depreciate and inferior to the bone.
On the way to check the relevant information, Pino's mother found that the harm of frequent yelling and scolding children is far more than this, and it may really affect IQ.
Scientists have looked at 2 3-year-olds, one of whom is often boasted and one who is often yelled at, while brain scans are performed on them.
The scan found that the brain of the child who was often yelled at was significantly smaller, the brain volume became smaller, and the intellectual development was also damaged.
In the study, the scientists also found that children who were often yelled at by their parents grew up with an average verbal IQ of only 112 points, which was 12 points lower than that of children who had not been scolded by their parents.
There is a couple in Jiangxi Province who have no history of mental illness in the family, but two of their three sons have schizophrenia.
After the psychiatric experts understood the situation, they found that the reason why the 2 sons would get schizophrenia had a lot to do with the yelling and scolding of their parents.
Another son who did not have schizophrenia was able to escape the fate of "going crazy" because he could not stand the yelling and scolding of his parents and went out to work early.
It can be seen that the scolding of parents has caused really great harm to children.
What can parents do to stop yelling at their children?
Learn to shout stop
In "Love Apartment", Guan Gu Magic and Tang Youyou, every time they quarrel, as long as one party shouts "pause", both sides will stop arguing and reconcile as before.
Pino's mother feels that the method of "shouting stop" is also applicable to parents and children, and for parents who often yell at their children, learning to stop is a very important lesson in the process of parenting.
Pino's mother agreed with her daughter that if she was going to erupt emotionally, her daughter could also tell me: "Mom, please pause"!
At this time, I will let go of the obsession of "you should" and "you must", treat the child as an independent individual, and try to understand the child.
Try using some communication skills
For most adults, they are only willing to cooperate, reflect and make changes when they are in a particularly good mood, and the same is true for children.
For example, the daughter once threw books all over the living room, according to Pino's previous style, she would definitely say: "Why did you throw the books away again..."
But now I'm going to say, "Baby, Mommy sees books all over the living room, and after reading the books, remember to send it home."
Obviously, now this kind of communication method described by cooperation, the daughter is more willing to cooperate and is more willing to solve.
Write to the end:
Do you now know why the child did not cry after being yelled at, but instead came over to ask for a hug? That's because he feels afraid and afraid, it's a manifestation of attachment to his parents, you know the truth and yell at your child for harm, do you dare to yell at your child?