Today, when the marriage rate and fertility rate are declining, people's attitudes towards marriage have formed two extremes.
One is to regard marriage as a flood beast, the root of "unhappiness", and even to the sentiment of "don't get married, you will become unhappy".
On the other hand, there are still a considerable number of people, especially women, who have good fantasies about marriage.
After all, in so many beautiful fairy tales and film and television works, the happiest ending of the male and female protagonists is still fixed in the "happy marriage".
"The greater the hope, the greater the disappointment", and the unrealistic fantasy of marriage may be the reason for people's disillusionment.
Recognizing the essence of marriage, breaking the projection of relationships, you can look at marriage rationally and soberly, and perhaps most people's marriage can be much easier.
01
Happiness is not given by marriage and men
Linda is a career woman who works alone in a big city.
In order to make more money to subsidize the poor native family, she worked hard, traveled at both ends of the three days, stayed up almost every day, and her body was seriously overdrawn.
When she meets her boyfriend, Linda seems to have a light in her life.
She thought: Finally someone cared about her body and greeted her warmly.
Remind her to eat when it comes to dinner, boil brown sugar water for her when she comes to her aunt, urge her to sleep late at night...
For the first time, Linda discovered how wonderful it felt to be cared for.
So even in the case of the man's career and financial situation is far inferior to her, he quickly entered the marriage.
Unfortunately, the good times did not last long, and after a short honeymoon period, the differences in their lives and concepts began to explode.
Linda found that the two were seriously incompatible in terms of knowledge, insight, and three views of life.
And the husband who cared for Linda before marriage gradually seemed to have changed into a person, no longer caring about her, and no longer caring about her.
Until Linda gave birth to a child, she did not pay attention to her during confinement.
By chance, Linda saw her husband's mobile phone message and found that her husband had already cheated on him.
Someone once concluded: If a man has nothing but good for you, such a man must not want it.
A more rational analysis of this sentence should be:
If you believe that a man or a relationship can bring you happiness, there is a high probability of disappointment.
Linda's husband cheating is not right, but Linda herself is also responsible.
Her responsibility is not to take responsibility for her own happiness.
Caring for your body, taking care of your feelings, and respecting your own wishes are what every adult should and can do.
There is a saying that you teach others how to treat you.
Leave the food to others, give good material conditions to others, and always do the hard work yourself.
A person who always treats himself harshly or even abuses himself naturally does not feel happiness.
In their minds, things are more important than people, tasks are above all else, and bodies are not so important.
At this time, if someone sends care and care, it will indeed warm their hearts for a short time.
It will even be regarded by some women as a life-saving straw, as if their lives have been saved by each other.
But in this way, the initiative of happiness is also handed over to others.
Once the other party changes their attitude towards you, it will often make people scratch their hearts and be painful.
02
The more you give, the less you pay back
Giving, forbearance, sacrifice... It has always been the background color of traditional women.
A good mother and a good wife often mean being virtuous, taking on more housework, and giving up more of their own freedom and interests.
There is a deep-seated belief in many women's hearts: the more you give, the more you return.
I think that the better I am to my family, husband, and children, the more I can get their respect and love.
In this awareness, we see too many women who have worked hard all their lives to run the family.
Forgive your husband's infidelity and mistakes, and spend most of your time and energy nurturing and caring for your children;
Give up their careers, hobbies, and even lives, but their efforts are rarely rewarded.
Some time ago, Wang Lihong and Li Lianglei's annual tearing drama let us see:
When a woman puts most of her energy into the family, forgives her husband's mistakes and makes the greatest concessions for the family;
Even if you have good looks, education and knowledge, you may be swept out of the house.
Because every grievance is a squeeze on oneself, and every concession is destroying one's own boundaries.
Giving may be grateful for some people, but for others it is a reason to make progress.
Giving too much is so destructive to the relationship that the person who gives has great expectations for each other.
"I've taken care of all the housework, what's wrong with him caring about me?"
Netizen Xiaoli is puzzled by this.
After five years of marriage, Xiaoli did play a real "good wife" role.
Although he did not work, he took care of the family's affairs properly.
Her husband had a stomach problem because she forgot to eat at work, and she insisted on giving her husband soup every day to send to her husband's company, but she couldn't move.
The mother-in-law was unwell and came to their city to see a doctor, and Xiaoli accompanied them all the time without sleep.
Not to mention the child's learning, life, and growth, Xiaoli is doing her best.
Xiaoli, who was highly consumed by herself, finally got tired one day, but her husband didn't even ask, which made Xiaoli very cold.
"If your husband asks about your condition, will you be satisfied?"
When I asked about Xiaoli, she hesitated: "Probably, I feel that he still cares about me." ”
"Then will you blame him again for not pouring you hot water to buy medicine?" I continued to ask.
At this point, Xiao Li began to flinch: "It is also possible, maybe I am still not satisfied." ”
This is also a common scenario in relationships.
When one party overdraws itself and suppresses and grievances too much, it will often be very concerned about the words and deeds of the other party in order to seek a "return".
And such expectations and requirements are often without standards and restraints.
In other words, it is difficult for the other party to be satisfied with what he does, so it is very easy to become a person full of complaints and resentment.
And when a woman lives in a complaining all day, even if the other party is grateful at the beginning, she will gradually wear it away and just want to stay away.
03
Men are always more important than themselves
A classic line in "Journey to the West" tells the ultimate fantasy of countless women:
"My crush is a hero of the world, and one day he will marry me in gold armor and driving colorful clouds."
Men can traverse the world and exert their natural talents, and women can only support silently and wait for their salvation.
Some time ago, Zhang Yuqi's love affair with several small milk dogs was repeatedly on the hot search, and people were surprised to find out:
Even a big heroine like Zhang Yuqi, who has a successful career, always wants to promote the cause of helping men in the relationship.
It turns out that in their hearts, there is also a dream of being a little woman sheltered by men.
The concept of "men are strong and women are weak" and "men conquer the world, women conquer men" have confused many women over the years.
Retreat to the back of the man, everything is focused on the man, assist the man to develop himself, and expand the quality of life.
And he only does "Xian Neisuke", everything revolves around men, and lets men do their own "heaven".
It is this fantasy that has made countless women step on the big pit and derive the first two fantasies:
Happiness can only be given by men, and I can only get what I want if I pay for men.
They forget that women obviously have enough energy and wisdom, and they can fight for what they want.
Want money, earn it yourself;
Want the experience of life, go straight to try to learn;
If you want to be treated well, first treat yourself well and try to meet your own needs in life.
A domestic head fashion blogger recommended the beautiful ring he bought in a tweet, and immediately some netizens commented below:
"I still have to buy the ring myself, and no man has given it to me, which is really pitiful."
The blogger replied unashamedly:
"I don't think it's a pitiful thing for a woman to buy a ring for herself in this day and age, nor do I think a ring has to be given by a man."
You see, this is the concept of women who have lived a wonderful life:
What I want, I can get through my own efforts, it is not a shameful thing.
Entering marriage with such thoughts, even if you are married, you can maintain your own preferences, pursuits, and believe in your own abilities;
Spend most of your energy on developing yourself and realizing the value of your life;
In the case of spare energy and no resentment, part of the energy is spent to take care of the family.
Such a woman, married to no one, will not be too bad.
Marriage is not a beast, and not everyone's marriage is full of tearing, domestic violence, infidelity and mutual harm.
In today's day and age, marriage is no longer a necessity in life.
When we can all look at marriage with a rational and calm eye and make it the icing on the cake for life experience, perhaps more and more people will be willing to enter marriage and enjoy marriage.
Author | He is a water-stopping healer, who holds the qualification certificate of psychological counselor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the qualification certificate of IHNMA international hypnotist, and is committed to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature.