Author: Qiao Ying (Deputy Chief Physician of Psychiatry 丨 Shanghai Mental Health Center)
Co-author: Ma Yinzhu 丨 Doctor of Shanghai Mental Health Center
In the hot drama "Little Joy", Fang Yifan hugged each other in the stairwell in order to comfort Qiao Yingzi, and was just bumped by the mothers of the two families. As a result, the four parents gathered together for a "triage".
According to the usual thinking of most parents, there is such a big drama - "I don't want you to feel, I want you to feel." I think if you're in love, you must be in love. Now, you immediately admit to being in love, and then immediately separate us. ”
In fact, this hug is a comforting method taught by the psychological counselor in the stress reduction campaign organized by the school, which was originally very simple. But no matter how the two children explained, they were justified and lied. As a result, Fang Yifan was ignited, grabbed Yingzi's hand, and "admitted" that holding hands was successful.
Just as the so-called "love comes too quickly, like a tornado", the parents of the two families successfully "matched" the two children together, but suddenly more panicked, and finally turned into a meeting of mutual accusations.
In the lively plot, there is actually an interesting question hidden - "Is there pure friendship between men and women?" ”
There was a lady who told me her story: she and a boy had known each other for six or seven years, and every year they would meet, make dinner appointments, and talk about everything. Recently, she began to wonder, can the relationship be one step closer and become a boyfriend and girlfriend? But she also worries that the other party will not like her, and it may be self-defeating to act hastily, but instead lose a good friend.
After listening to her story, I thought of my friend Ah Yan again— I clearly remember that day, she held a glass of whiskey in her newly nailed hand and said calmly:
"Ten years, long enough, in my junior year, he told me that he liked me, and of course he had hinted at and joked about it many times before, and I didn't take it seriously, I had a boyfriend at the time. By the time I broke up in my senior year, he had a girlfriend. In my fifth year, he got drunk and told me that he had liked me for 8 years, but I had a boyfriend again. He and his girlfriend have been living together for 2 years. One day, we went out to dinner, and the ghost sent God to do something that shouldn't have happened through wine. At that time, he and his girlfriend had already obtained a license. I felt guilty, so I deleted all my contact information. Later, he married his girlfriend, and we never went back to the time when we didn't talk about anything. ”
Having said this, she took a sip of wine and continued:
"You say it's funny! Man, who always has the wrong feelings at the wrong time, could have been a good friend for a lifetime, but finally parted ways. The reason is simple, I don't like him. I used to have a good feeling, and I thought about him when I was lonely and lonely, but it was not the kind of warm liking. So, don't easily try to become a lover with your boyfriend. In my opinion, love is to be impulsive, that kind of heartwarming feeling, even if this passion will eventually precipitate, but there is love. ”
There is no, or rather, pure friendship from start to finish.
All feelings begin with good feelings, longer than getting along, especially men and women, but also from the first some likes, after all, no one will take the time to chat with a person who does not like all night, "look at the flowers, see the snow and see the moon". It's just that many times, a relationship is positioned at the beginning or for a short period of time. Without throbbing, they are friends; when they get along well, they become girlfriends.
Maybe at some point, he shows his willingness to develop further to you, and you do not respond in a timely and enthusiastic manner, so he takes a step back and becomes a good friend with you. After this relationship is established, if it is not a special situation, few people want to change it. This may be the so-called "psychological comfort zone", after all, most people are not willing to step out of the comfort zone and face the uncertain possibilities. Thus, the joy of acquaintance may experience throbbing and later be classified as warmth.
If one day, whether out of uncertainty or unwillingness, you suddenly have the idea of upgrading the relationship, then regarding the question of "whether to express it in the end", I would like to answer it with one sentence: "The initiative is always best left to the man first". He doesn't take the initiative, even if he likes you, even if you're worried about missing out, it's best not to take the initiative to show your good feelings for him first.
Image source: Stand Cool Helo
However, psychoanalysis is more inclined to say that most men are competitive in the face of feelings, and when they really like a person, they are often enthusiastic, energetic, and possessive; they will be jealous, missed, and pursued, rather than occasionally meeting and chatting every year, and never asking about your emotional status, and will not know that you are single and joke about introducing a boyfriend to you. If he doesn't initiate, I think there's only one reason: he doesn't like it enough.
Don't like enough, how to become a lover, how to stay together for a lifetime? Unless all you're looking for is a companion. Sure, this may only apply to most men, but why risk losing a good friend who may last a lifetime? Unless you know exactly what you want and are able to bear the consequences. Now that it's warm, why risk pursuing the scorching heat? If it is not necessary for him, it is still necessary to continue to warm it.
Undoubtedly, you are very lucky to meet a friend of the opposite sex who has nothing to talk about and knows, so cherish it. Or take some time to clarify your intentions, and if you really have to be him, then let it go and show your heart. Even if you don't have the opportunity to become a good couple, you are calm in your heart.
No matter what, I sincerely wish everyone the best and most sincere feelings, whether it is friendship or love.
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