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Wilde: "For my own sake, I must forgive you." A man cannot always have a poisonous snake in his chest; he cannot get up at night and plant thorns in the garden of the soul. ”
This is very simple to say, but it is not so simple to do, because many people have such a mindset: you are sorry for me, why should I forgive you? Why forgive you? The implication is that to forgive others is to make oneself suffer.
As everyone knows, when you appeal to emotions, when you resent a person, it is also bad for your own body and mind. What's more, the person you resent is not in your world at all, you are alone in your own world, in which case only you are hurting yourself.
Speaking of which, I believe that everyone should be able to understand the truth of Wilde's words. For your own sake, you have to forgive others, this "relief" or "let go" mentality, you can make your mentality return to stability, stable mentality is conducive to the body and mind. Otherwise, you continue to live with hatred, and many things will be invisibly deviated.
The following reader's emotional experience can explain the above truth, let's take a look at what is going on.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I want to share my experience with you, and by the way, I want to hear your opinion, and I can get your support, and I feel that I will be more determined to be myself.
My experience is: love someone, if it's not a two-way trip, forget it!
The "two-way rush" mentioned here is to love each other in a shallow way; to say it deeply, it is to continue to love each other. Don't look at it, just the word "continuous", the meaning is very different.
It is not difficult to love each other, the key is how long it can last, and more importantly, whether it can stand on the united front in the face of some major decisions.
Take my last relationship, I was running to get married and fall in love with him, and in the process of falling in love with me, he firmly believed that he thought the same as me, and he was also running to get married and fall in love with me. And such a state cannot be counted as true love, but can only be said to be "presupposed" that two people will last for a long time, and many things are still in a state to be determined.
When we talk about marriage, the problem arises.
Originally, we agreed to buy a house and get married, and the house was bought in his name, and accordingly, their family had to pay more money, and the rest was borne by our family. However, just because of his mother-in-law's objection, he reneged on our agreement.
Instead of convincing my mother-in-law to marry me, he persuaded me in turn to let me marry him first. Even if we put aside our agreement, the two of us together can afford to buy a house, why not buy? Not to mention our agreement, we can only say that his temporary steering method ruined the "preset" result.
He didn't meet my reasonable requests, he wouldn't honor our reasonable agreements, and for me it wasn't a two-way street, and I didn't want to marry.
Seeing that I was determined to break up, he began to worry, and a few days later he said to me: "My mother agreed to buy a house, we can get married, go get a license today!" ”
I turned him down because it wasn't the result I wanted to see. He who should have consciously persuaded his mother-in-law only passively persuaded her when I insisted on breaking up, and whether I was successfully persuaded was not certain, putting me in the position of "blackmailing" would only deepen my disappointment in him.
I thought I would be relieved to give up, but it turned out that it wasn't that simple. After giving up love, I still have disappointment and resentment towards him, and this kind of problem has always tormented me, making me feel pain every time I think of him. I can't act as if nothing happened, can I just go on like this and continue to suffer?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
The reader said two things in total: one was her experience, and the other was an open question.
Let's first talk about her experience: love someone, if it is not "two-way running", forget it!
This point of view can be understood from two aspects: for people who do not care about "two-way running", only care about whether they love others, do not care about whether others love themselves, can ignore this point of view; and for people who care about "two-way running", they need to judge from the details of love.
Now people's attitude towards love is much more profound than before, and most people will care about "running in both directions", because they have seen all kinds of love and do not want the kind of love that pays alone without return.
If you are like this, you may wish to refer to the experience summarized by the reader, and judge whether they can love each other for a long time and whether they can go in both directions for a long time through key details. There is a fact that applies to everyone: those who go in both directions with you will certainly unite with you on issues related to the survival and longevity of love, and will not let you fight alone.
Let's talk about the unresolved question, which is the question of "forgiveness" that we mentioned earlier. When you resent others and torture yourself, it is clear that the hatred in your heart is torturing yourself, not the person you resent.
Many people can't untie this knot, thinking that their resentment is caused by the other party, how can it have nothing to do with the other party? Think that your pain is all due to the other person. To untie this knot, think of the word "effective."
If your resentment can punish the person you resent, and can help you relieve the hatred in your heart, then your resentment is effective. On the other hand, if your resentment does not hurt the other party in the slightest, it will only torture yourself, indicating that your resentment is invalid. Torturing yourself with ineffective resentment is your own problem.
The so-called "forgiveness of others for oneself" is to let go of the resentment that torments oneself, let the mentality balance, let yourself be relieved, maybe can not forget the past, but at least you can "remember the past" without moving emotions. Think about it and I'm sure you'll understand.