"Over 35 years of age, medically defined as advanced maternal age. In reality, due to the postponement of the age of marriage, the rising cost of parenting and the landing of the two-child and three-child policy, the increase in the number of elderly women has become a trend. We found 3 brave ladies and talked about their fertility experiences. Choosing pregnancy, the challenges and pressures that elderly mothers need to face have far exceeded age itself.
Become an elderly mother
On July 11, 2020, 38-year-old Yang Yuan stood up with a big belly and entered the IELTS field. The epidemic caused the original February exam to be postponed continuously, and it was not until July that the first batch of 12 test centers was opened, and she did not think about it, so she grabbed the exam place. Her husband advised her to give up the exam and worry about her safety, after all, the fetus was 34 weeks old and the due date was imminent.
Pregnancy was an accident. Prior to this, she successfully passed the Doctoral Interview of the Education University of Hong Kong, waiting for the IELTS score. Helplessly, throughout the pregnancy, Yang Yuan spent in brushing questions.
This is the second time Yang Yuan has become a mother, and the eldest son has turned 10 years old. Compared with 10 years ago, Yang Yuan's mentality is completely different, taking care of her family and academic promotion, all of which make her carry a heavy burden. Bigger concerns plague both husband and wife at the same time – will there be problems with fertility as they get older?
Generally speaking, when a woman reaches or exceeds the age of 35, the doctor will write it down in the medical record: Advanced Maternal Age. They are naturally labeled as high-risk pregnancies, meaning that having children at this age increases dramatically in the likelihood of women developing various pregnancy complications, such as gestational diabetes and high blood pressure.
The older you get, the more your body and energy can no longer afford a child, which Yang Yuan understands. In 2014, she went to the hospital to remove the birth control ring from her body and prepare to have a second child. When she first became pregnant, she was unaware of the presence of the fetus, ran a 50-kilometer marathon, and the next day the child was gone. She broke down and cried, and this matter became her heart demon.
After finding out the "two bars" this time, she bypassed her husband, called her son to her side for the first time, and solemnly said: "You may have a younger brother or sister." The son sighed: "Huaidu is pregnant, then give birth." The adult-like tone amused Yang Yuan.
She was going to give birth to the child, and even made plans to take the child to Hong Kong to study.
Walking out of the IELTS field, she deliberately took a photo outside the venue. Two weeks later, the results were issued, and yang yuan excitedly flipped the photo out of her mobile phone and published it on the Little Red Book, "The baby in the belly is going to accompany the mother to study for a doctorate." ”
To her surprise, the sharing resonated with moms. "I also took the baby and studied for a doctorate." A mom left a message in the comments section. Below this note, many elderly mothers show similar annoyances. "I was pregnant for the Boichi course, and I was holding up my belly for more than 7 months to review the exam, and I felt that my brain was a little shrunken and I couldn't remember." Yang Yuan saw this and smiled, and replied, "The same baoma, the alarm clock can't wake me up." Because of the same experience, the two exchanged experiences in the comments section.
Figure | Yang Yuan interacted with netizens on the Little Red Book
Yang Yuan found that in Xiaohongshu, there are many elderly mothers like her, who generally live in first- and second-tier cities, and miss the best childbearing age with the extension of the study period, the postponement of the marriage age, the pursuit of careers and other reasons. Here, they shared their experiences with each other and wrote down their own experiences and feelings.
Mona, 40, has been working in finance since her early years and is a freedom-loving woman. At the age of 25, her boyfriend proposed to her, but she refused, not wanting to be bound by marriage too soon. Open Mona's account, which records her travels in various countries, which are all portraits of her youth.
Until the 35-year-old mark. "It's especially lonely at heart." She began to long for someone who really knew herself to appear and form a family. At the age of 36, Mona entered the halls of marriage, and the idea of "wanting to be a mother" became stronger and stronger.
I was pregnant for half a year and didn't see any movement. She began to do various tests, and the test report sheet showed hyperthyroidism, which surprised her. The doctor told her that if not actively controlled, indicators of hyperthyroidism can affect fertility, and in fact Mona has experienced a prolonged menstrual cycle and low menstrual flow.
"I'm going to have amenorrhea before I'm 40?" Mona couldn't accept it. She began to seek medical advice, take Chinese medicine to condition the body, and also tried to find the cause of the pathology, "is there a problem with diet", which made her feel confused.
Mona has a habit of recording her life, and she writes about this experience in the Little Red Book. The next day, there were more than a dozen heart-warming comments in the comments section. "Don't eat things that are high in iodine, such as seaweed, kelp." One netizen wrote. Feeling heart-warmed by the sight of these Mona, she began to relax and actively heal. After more than half a year of conditioning, Mona was fortunate enough to join the ranks of elderly women at the age of 38.
In January 2021, 35-year-old Wang Man was also waiting for the moment when he became a mother. Her situation is more complicated than Mona's. The outer wall of her uterus grew a fibroid of about 4 centimeters, which grew to 5.1 centimeters in the second month of pregnancy. There are reports that progesterone stimulates the continuous growth of uterine fibroids, once the production of red lesions, leading to severe contractions, heavy bleeding, the fetus in the stomach is at risk of hypoxia.
Terminating pregnancy in the first trimester and surgery to remove fibroids is the safest approach. However, there is also an uncontrollable risk that the uterus will produce spots after surgery, coupled with age factors, it will be more difficult to get pregnant again, and the probability of habitual miscarriage is significantly increased. After consideration, Wang Man chose to continue the pregnancy.
Choosing to conceive means some kind of adventure. Older mothers are facing a difficult life barrier.
Wading through the fertility river
According to the National Bureau of Statistics, the proportion of women of non-optimal childbearing age aged 35 and above among women who have registered marriages in the mainland is increasing year by year. From 1990 to 2017, the average age of first pregnancy for women of maternal age in mainland China was postponed from 23.4 years to 26.8 years, and there has been a trend of continuous backwards in recent years. Traditionally, the best age for a woman to have children is 22-30 years old.
In fact, age per se is not the biggest risk factor. In the Little Red Book search for "advanced maternal age", many women mentioned their concerns in their notes.
A netizen who signed the name "middle-aged gluttonous girl" said that his job is a photographer, and he will never allow himself to gain weight because of his pursuit of beauty. Fearing that pregnancy would make her body out of shape, she listed a detailed "caesarean section + confinement center + formula feeding" program. Only by minimizing the risk of the unknown can she feel safe.
Women aged 35+ have a different mindset than young people, taking the risk of out-of-shape, hormonal onslaught, possible pregnancy complications, and the impact of childbearing on careers in the workplace. Wading through fertility rivers, they cross countless reefs.
After becoming pregnant, Wang Man suspended his work and returned to his hometown in Guangxi from Beijing to raise a baby with peace of mind. Attending a class reunion in the 12th week of pregnancy, I didn't come home until 10 p.m., and when I washed it, my underwear was red without warning. Frightened, she ran to the hospital overnight.
On the way to the hospital, Wang Man sat in the car and couldn't stop shedding tears. Realizing that this might be a sign of miscarriage, she was enveloped by a huge sense of loss.
As a result of the examination, the doctor judged that it was the bleeding caused by the uterine fibroids and told her that if the bleeding could not be stopped, it would cause hypoxia in the fetus. The next day, Wang Man was admitted to the hospital for fetal protection treatment. Every day, she needs to infuse three large bottles of drugs and check the fetal heart rate at all times, and each time the value changes, it will make her extremely nervous.
Fortunately, after four or five days, the bleeding stopped. After being discharged from the hospital, Wang Man did not dare to move around, lying in bed all day long, entangled in exhaustion, sadness and anxiety. She couldn't eat, smelled the smell of rice, opened the takeaway platform, saw the food picture above, and her head began to faint. She used to love to cook, and there were many spices in the kitchen, which she also discarded.
The uterine fibroids that grew in her body were like an invisible bomb, and no matter what they did, they could not interfere with its growth, which made Wang Man feel powerless. At each obstetric examination, the doctor referred to her by the name "the one with uterine fibroids", and she felt embarrassed while completing the examination. Sometimes, nurses who do ultrasound B ultrasound also ask, "(Uterine fibroids) were detected before pregnancy or after pregnancy?" This tone made the sensitive Wang Man aggravate his self-blame, "It is all because he is not ready, so that the child and himself are in danger." ”
Afterwards, Wang Man realized that this was a symptom of depression during pregnancy, and she did not discuss too much with her husband, taking the cause and effect on herself, "Women are too easy to blame themselves." "Compared to the confident self at work before she became pregnant, it was like two people. In the third month of pregnancy, Wang Man went to the hospital alone for examination and was diagnosed with moderate depression.
It is not a matter of course that women become mothers. The invisible pressure of pregnancy makes it impossible for them to express it to the people around them, but they find many people with the same experience in The Little Red Book, and then turn to social platforms to find an outlet for catharsis.
In the first 4 months of pregnancy, Mona was tortured to death by intense pregnancy. Sometimes, she had no food in her stomach, she spit acid, and her whole stomach was about to be turned over. Discomfort and anxiety reach their peak, and she relieves her pain by meditating and exercising. "Walk no less than 5,000 steps a day, swim 3-4 times a week, meditate at least once a week, enter a state of deep peace, feel the connection with the baby, and talk to the baby with your heart." She recorded these experiences and shared them in the Little Red Book. There were more than 200 comments under that note, and pregnant women who had the same experience came to learn from her, and more encouragement from strange mothers, which gave her some comfort.
Figure | Mona's pregnancy took on a chord
For elderly expectant mothers, childbirth brings not only physical pain, but also more realistic pressure.
Before applying for the doctorate, Yang Yuan had a clear plan for her career. This is her third time in business, engaged in education-related projects - international study tours. She plans to support her career development through 3 to 5 years of doctoral studies, as well as the accumulation of knowledge, as well as the meeting of better talents and better teachers.
But accidents followed. The IELTS exam was postponed due to the epidemic, and Party A, who cooperated with Yang Yuan, was facing bankruptcy, and the team could not get a refund from the upstream, which meant that she had to stop the project and fill the hole with her personal savings. When the body should be recuperating, Yang Yuan was still working on chicken blood, and she called each customer, patiently explaining and negotiating a refund.
These things consumed too much of her physical strength, and Yang Yuan saw the haggard appear on her face, the eye bags were puffy, and the lips were white. Fortunately, this state did not last long, and she immediately became a little wary: I was still pregnant. She touched her stomach to cheer herself up, "Baby, let's get through it together." ”
Figure | Pregnant Yang Yuan is doing yoga exercises
Become a mother in pain
Similar situations make it easier for elderly expectant mothers to huddle together for warmth, and some of the experiences of "people who come over" can always resonate with everyone.
Since being diagnosed with depression, Wang Man realized that he was overly worried about the fetus, resulting in emotional tension, and even falling asleep. During the six months of pregnancy, Wang Man did not have the joy of becoming a mother, on the contrary, she felt that childbirth was an extremely painful thing for women. She was confused, is this kind of emotion only herself? How do others experience childbearing?
The elderly mothers on the Little Red Book gave her the answer. A Ph.D. mother shared that she accidentally became pregnant during her PhD, at the most difficult time for thesis to produce, and also had depression, but she survived, "to set an example for the child." Wang Mansheng had a hint of admiration, and she wanted to return to the "state this thing should be" - to break some of her own misunderstandings and see the original appearance of fertility. After reading a lot of parenting notes, she began to reflect on herself and relaxed a lot.
Figure | A PhD mom shares her fertility experience
The day before the birth, the last obstetric examination, Wang Man's uterine fibroids grew to 10 centimeters, and she cheered herself up in her heart: we must work hard to give birth to the child safely and healthily. At 2 a.m., she began to have a contractile reaction, and after staying up until 7 a.m., she ate enough to go to the doctor and walked into the delivery room.
The whole production process went extremely smoothly, and she gave birth to a cute baby boy.
Yang Yuan also successfully broke through the pass. In the 5th month of pregnancy, after dealing with the company's affairs, she enrolled herself in yoga classes and swimming, and insisted on a certain amount of exercise every day. She is well aware of the risks of advanced childbirth, and only by strengthening exercise can she have more physical ability to ensure the smooth delivery of the fetus. In order to supervise herself, every once in a while, she wrote a "pregnancy diary" on the Little Red Book, recording her pregnancy exercise and diet. "Pilates has taken three classes and feels better and better, and the fat on his back and arms is slowly tightening."
Figure | Yang Yuan's pregnancy diary
At 7 a.m. on August 15, 2020, she "broke the water." In order to prevent the contamination of amniotic fluid, the doctor gave her an induction injection, and Yang Yuan lay on the bed and entered a long labor process.
The palace mouth opened to two fingers, Yang Yuan cried out in pain, and the doctor said, "At this point, you still want to give birth smoothly." After enduring for a while, Yang Yuan proposed that the beating was painless, and the doctor said, "It's still early."
Afterwards, Yang Yuan recalled the experience of the first birth, "it was also a smooth birth, and it didn't seem to hurt at all." "After all, I am older, and the pain of the second childbirth is more intense." It's like someone is constantly pounding your stomach," Ms. Yang described, trying to adjust her breathing but still not being relieved.
Staying up until the palace mouth opened 5 fingers, Yang Yuan really couldn't hold on. Nurses told her that anesthesiologists were preparing an operation that would take at least half an hour to get painless. Yang Yuan wanted to cry without tears. Without waiting for anesthesia, half an hour later, she had already started giving birth. As an elderly mother, although her pelvis and birth canal did not have the toughness of her youth, because she insisted on exercising during pregnancy, her perineum was only slightly torn, and at 3 p.m., the baby in her abdomen was born smoothly.
As said in the documentary "Shengmen", production is like a door, outside the door is waiting for the expectation and joy of the newborn, but inside the door is the thrill of fighting with the god of death.
The risks of production need not be said. Postpartum haemorrhage is the third most common cause of maternal mortality, with major bleeding occurring in about 2% of births.
Mona experienced 16 hours of labor pain and gave birth to the baby in the water. The whole family was immersed in joy, but the placenta was removed unexpectedly, which caused postpartum haemorrhage. The blood flowed non-stop, staining the sheet red, and had to take the basin underneath, full of blood, connected to the placenta, more than a liter. By this time Mona had used up all her strength, she could not feel the pain, and her consciousness was gradually blurred. Faintly, she heard the midwife calling for a doctor to prepare for emergency surgery.
Fortunately, something serious did not happen, and after more than an hour of suturing, the blood finally stopped.
Figure | Mona recorded what she was expecting from her baby
Fertility is another starting point
The arrival of newborns is just the starting point for the elderly mothers to start another new role. Browsing the experiences of the new mothers in the Little Red Book, we can glimpse that becoming a mother is not a natural process, full of discomfort, panic and confusion caused by identity conversion.
After the birth of the child, Wang Man asked yue's sister-in-law to help take care of it, and soon found that there were many conflicts in parenting concepts with yue's sister-in-law. Once, the sister-in-law took off the child's clothes and put them in the sun for tens of minutes to an hour, claiming to remove the jaundice of newborns. At first, Wang Man trusted his sister-in-law until the baby's back became red. "Adults can't stand the direct sun," she said, worried. Sister-in-law Yue was obviously unhappy: "I have brought so many babies, and none of them have had problems." ”
From what to eat at confinement meals to emotional control, Yue's advice is based on "helping you become a good mother", but Wang Man often feels that this makes her more like a feeding machine to be taken care of, rather than a complete individual.
At night, Wang Manjiu could not sleep, and on the Little Red Book, she saw that many new mothers were also experiencing the same troubles as her. "The right way for newborns to go to jaundice", "The top ten misunderstandings I personally experienced with a baby", "How I got rid of depression after giving birth"... Through their own personal experience, mothers write down practical and heart-warming notes.
Figure | Posted experiences shared by moms
Wang Man realized that Yue's experience was not a mistake, but some knowledge was not updated in time. In the 3 months of becoming a new mother, Wang Man spent in anxiety and uneasiness, always wanting to escape when things happened, afraid to face the relationship, "always subconsciously imagining himself as a victim." ”
The mothers' experience notes are more read, and the doubts are dispelled little by little. Wang Man slowly walked out, and during the parenting, she began to actively guide the relationship, bravely expressing her own views, and speaking softer.
Having a second child at the age of 38, Yang Yuan regarded raising children as a practice.
After the birth, Yang Yuan lived in the best confinement center in Shenzhen. 10 years ago, she gave birth to her first child in a public hospital, and without a bed, she lay in the corridor of the hospital and made up for a night. In recent years, the economic conditions have improved, and many people and things have been experienced, so that Yang Yuan realized that women can have greater independent choices in fertility.
The Confinement Center allows Yang Yuan to rest better, because she will have to fight a hard battle next. A month and a half later, when she returned home, she began to read while she was breastfeeding. In the first year of her doctorate, the epidemic is still not over, and she takes remote online classes at home. In the first two semesters, Yang Yuan chose 2 core courses and 2 professional courses, because the first year needs to complete all the basic credits before she can write a thesis or do research.
For the first 3 months, she was out of shape, because she was weak, and because breastfeeding was inseparable from her mother. Often, in class, as soon as she heard the child's crying, she had to turn off the screen to comfort the child. At this time, she recorded the lessons and listened to them again when the child slept at night.
After 3 months of the baby, the daytime sleep time decreased, and it became more lively, waking up to watch Yang Yuan in class, and also "babbling" to ask her mother to hug. At the end of the screen, teachers and classmates all looked at Lehe, but Yang Yuan knew that when it was her turn to turn in her homework, she would definitely not be happy.
Figure | Yang Yuan took the baby to online classes
It takes 4 homework to complete in one semester, which is not a small amount. At the end of the term, in order to catch up with her homework, she was like an ant on a hot pot, anxious enough to eat a box of marzipan a day. Academic force was too strong, which also led to worsening insomnia, and she had to comfort herself: she didn't have to score full marks in every subject, as long as she didn't hang up the subject. Giving myself psychological hints, the learning efficiency is getting higher and higher. Now, in her second year of ph.D., she is more at ease with life and school.
The family has two treasures, and life has doubled happiness, which also makes Yang Yuan worry, afraid that she has neglected the communication with Dabao. "You will always be mom's favorite baby!" She said this to Dabao every day. At first, When Dabao asked why, she always said, "Because you're Mom's first baby!" We've been together for 10 years and have so many great memories! The child listened to it and agreed very much, and from time to time turned out the previous photos to ridicule: the eldest took the book to raise, and the second took the pig to raise. Later, one day, Dabao said to Yang Yuan very seriously: "Mother, don't say this in front of your sister in the future, I am your favorite baby, I know it in my heart." At that moment, Yang Yuan burst into tears.
Mona said she was lucky enough to be a mother at the age of 38, no sooner nor later. Now that her daughter is two years old, she recently started her own business, using the evening time to ship orders and keep busy until midnight. Mona enjoys her current state, but she also understands that at the age of 40, she needs to take better care of herself in order to take care of her family.
For Mona, Wang Man and Yang Yuan, this life journey with children has just begun. Raising a child, on the one hand, will clearly mark your life, on the other hand, it also means the opportunity to experience childhood again with the full experience of adults. Mona enjoyed taking her daughter to the river to play, and once, looking at the back of the child digging the sand, she suddenly had a wonderful feeling. "We're 40 years apart, but at that moment, time seems to be folded." She posted this post and immediately received 128 likes.
On the Little Red Book, the elderly mothers recorded the next daily fragment, learned good experience from other people's notes, shared the most authentic parenting experience with each other, everyone left the most authentic look, and the mothers completed a mutual watch.
*At the request of the parties, some of the characters in the text are pseudonyms
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Written by | Zhou Jing