How those who are good release their "bad"

Author: Orange

Source: Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio (ID: zqfxlgzs)

"Come, everyone says a bad thing they've done lately."

This is an interaction that I love about a blogger who is focused on self-growth recently initiated.

When it comes to self-growth, everyone has drunk a variety of chicken soup, such as the "three characteristics of self-discipline life" and other spurning systems, and there are also lying flat such as "accepting their own imperfections".

After reading more chicken soup texts, I understand why it is called chicken soup, because it cannot be done.

We can neither be so self-disciplined nor fully accept ourselves, but can only drink some spiritual supplements from time to time to balance the mind that cannot and then retreat.

We intermittently filled our chicken blood and aspired to be better selves, but we often had to get discouraged.

So I found it difficult to go in a good direction, but after staying on this road for a long time, I found it more difficult to go in a bad direction.

Just like this blogger's interaction, when she threw this question out, everyone was dumbfounded, silent for a long time, and finally someone responded:

"My brother and I had a fight and got the money I borrowed from him back."

"There were two people next to me talking loudly in the café, so I silently turned on the video and played it out."

"Blocked a very nasty friend."

"When I first joined the company, an old colleague always sneered at me, and I caught an opportunity to beat him up in public."

"The child said he didn't want to go to school today, and I took sick leave with the class teacher, and as a result, I took the child to play all day."

For a while, everyone seemed to be making an emergency U-turn on the fast-moving car and returning on the way to find the bad things that had been done.

Everyone wants to be better, but why would anyone suggest reflecting on it and looking for their own bad?

On the one hand, we never lack discipline for improvement. From birth, we must use the performance of a good child and a well-behaved child to gain the recognition of the family, school and society. You can't talk dirty, you can't clash with people, you can't destroy relationships casually, you can't smoke and drink, you can't indulge in games.

Those who are spurred by this philosophy to get better is the direction of effort, effort, effort, there is no end on the road of trying to get better.

This process will slowly be internalized into a person's strict superego, such as the policemen living in different departments in their hearts, monitoring their words and deeds all the time in their daily lives.

On the other hand, human nature is two sides of the same coin, there is a motivation to become good and there is also a drive to want to become bad, if you can't get a balance between the two, desperately defend your good side, the bad side will be abandoned by yourself.

And the bad that is abandoned at the level of consciousness, that is, the part of human nature that is not accepted, will never disappear, it will form a shadow of a person's personality, and the shadow is not accepted by consciousness, then it can only work hard in secret.

Therefore, we often find that some people who are good to the ceiling suddenly make a strange bad deed.

For example, some entertainment stars, people set up a car in a moment, which makes people shout surprises, but it is also reasonable.

In their lives, there are countless moments of being forced by excellence, 360 degrees of blind spots are monitored by the public, so that they also need an exit behind the perfect lens to release the other side, and if they do not realize this, these repressive moments gather like a time bomb, detonating in unexpected ways.

Stars are the focal points, internal conflicts become more prominent, and there is no shortage of perfectionists among mortals around us.

My friend Xiao T told me that she had misremembered the time of a meeting last month, causing a series of losses and regretting it. She said she hadn't made any mistakes in ten years at work, not even being late, and somehow remembered the wrong time.

I was surprised to hear this and said to her, "You haven't made a mistake of being late once in ten years of work, are you a bit of a pervert?" ”

There are rules because someone will break them, otherwise there would be no rules. If Little T can see her own strict side and abide by the rules; at the same time, she can see that there will be an negligent side as a person, not being kidnapped by the rules, then she will not become a highly disciplined person, will occasionally make small mistakes inadvertently, and this relaxed mentality will not let her untie herself in a more destructive way.

Our culture advocates the logic of "moderation", too much is this truth, the degree of grasp of people will be self-consistent and harmonious, excessive will lead to other problems.

A person who is overly attached to excellence must have a stronger desire to become bad than ordinary people.

Unfortunately, their lives have been fixed on countless pairs of internalized eyes, and if they slack off a little, they will be judged by themselves, and they will not only judge themselves, but also judge others.

Therefore, if a person will not let go of himself in words and deeds, he will generally not let go of others.

On TIKTOK, I saw a female lawyer who likes to go to nightclubs and dance in her spare time, dressed sexily and beautifully. When she shared it on social networking sites, she was unexpectedly besieged, and her besiegers spoke fiercely, accusing her of corrupting the lawyer's door.

It's interesting that the lawyer didn't wear a bikini to court or dance in front of a judge, she was entertaining herself outside of working hours and attracting such criticism.

The attacker speaks righteously, as if he is standing on the shoulders of truth, and it is this unsolicited accusation that exposes the attacker's heart: you have done what I want to do but dare not do, so you are bad.

These people may also have the desire to dance in a bar, and the behavior of female lawyers evokes this part of them, and because they are afraid of the punishment of the superego, they have to blame the lawyer to defend themselves against the indulgent side.

Of course, the attackers will not admit this, and their harsh inner police have sealed the side they want to indulge in in a small dark room. Therefore, they are not aware of the rejected desire to fall, to relax, to be selfish, but always to be noble, rigorous, selfless, and judge others accordingly.

Born as human beings, we should not lose the joy of being human beings while gaining our own social recognition. After all, perfection is achieved only by machines, not by people.

But the reality is that we are always accustomed to projecting our unattainable perfection onto others, thinking that someone will always do it. For example, the perfect man on the Internet has four elements: no smoking, no drinking, no spending, and will make money.

In fact, even idol-level figures do not exist like saints, and they have their own flaws.

Teacher Wu Zhihong said that he once went to see the cartoonist Mr. Cai Zhizhong, and Cai Zhizhong took out a very good wine reception, but he did not drink himself, but smoked. Elder Cai explained to himself that smoking: My life is too perfect, I have to do something to destroy it.

I remember once I saw a few students smoking in the hallway between classes, and they saw me like a big enemy, full of discomfort, muttering "too embarrassed" in my mouth. In their eyes, I was the cop who could judge them for good or bad, and even in their spare time, even if they were adults, they still gave me this power, and they were ashamed of themselves without opening my mouth.

So, I said, "It doesn't matter, people sometimes need to relax themselves by doing something that is not acceptable to the public." Someone immediately quipped, "Yes, that question in the last lesson was too difficult." ”

They are students who listen attentively to the class, and they are also students who smoke after class, they are not necessarily perfect, but it does not affect them as complete people.

In fact, even in the Weibo interaction of "doing bad things", all the bad things are just trying to make yourself say no. Defend your rights with anger, abandon a consumptive relationship, or make a long-lost indulgence.

This is called a bad thing. We don't have a lot of misconceptions about the definition of "bad". We defend boundaries for bad, we indulge ourselves for bad, we consider our own interests as bad, if this is all bad, what good will it be to do these "bad things"?

Reading the messages of netizens will make people feel a kind of refreshing across the screen, and this refreshing feeling comes from the pleasure of the unobstructed release of vitality.

Doing these "bad" things will not really make us bad, but will make us easier on the road to getting better because of the harmony of the self.

Just when some people continued to expose their "bad", there were also high praise messages saying: I actually can't find the bad things I did, which makes me sad for a while.

It is indeed a sad thing to realize that you can be bad, but there is no way to be bad.

Sadness is because I see myself on the way to getting better with all my strength, ignoring the other self, and sadness is also the beginning of transformation, seeing the other side of yourself, the integration has already begun.

Therefore, on the way to getting better, can we not use too much force, let ourselves go, be kind with a little sharpness, self-discipline with a little laziness, follow the rules without being subject to the rules, and abide by the morality without being tied to the morality.

When a self that wants to be good and a self who wants to become bad shake hands and make peace, you should be able to be good or bad, good or evil, and then you are a living person.

Author: Orange, Zeng Qifeng psychoanalysis intermediate class student, more than ten years in the higher education industry, like to integrate psychology into life, in the text to sort out the harvest and experience.