Recently, many people have talked about children's self-confidence education, and under the influence of traditional culture, Chinese children seem to be more shy than Western children. Therefore, many parents will worry that the characteristics of children who "do not like to show", "hesitate to do things", and "less open mouth expression" are not the embodiment of children's inferiority.
Psychologist Polly. Jan Eisendes said: "Self-confidence is indeed a good thing, but it is not more and more. ”
From the encouragement of the older generation in the past who hope that children will be "modest and not complacent" after they have achievements, to today's encouragement of "children should be confident, participate more, and express more", what should the degree of children's self-confidence be?
01
Don't like to express yourself, is it not confident?
Parents' observations and concerns about their children's "lack of confidence" often ignore the characteristics of their children's nature.
Every child's innate temperament is different, in other words, a child's natural, natural behavior style may be low-key and introverted.
Kang Kang, the son of Hu Jun in "Where Daddy Went 3", is such a child. He is quiet, but has a warm heart. Everyone calls him "Cold Noodle Bully", in fact, he knows how to take care of his younger siblings in the show.
(Image from the Internet)
And when Kang Kang does things, he also has his own considerations. For example, when feeding ice cream to Summer's sister, he knew that boys should take care of and respect girls, and he carefully changed the spoon he had eaten to a side before feeding Summer.
Is a non-talkative child like Kang Kang not confident? No, on the contrary, he has now grown into a confident young man. His painting style is still calm and quiet, indulging in military knowledge, and even gave a lot of professional advice when Hu Jun filmed "Chosin Lake".
Stanley. In his book Tricky Kids, Turek says, "Temperament is about what behavior is, not about the cause of behavior." ”
If a child's style of acting is more cautious and less publicity, we may not necessarily have to "change" the child.
When a parent says to a child:
"You're fast, take the initiative to play with the children!"
"Baby don't be afraid, just say what you think!"
"Be brave in class!"
When words like this are said, they will put pressure on the child and interrupt their own rhythm and train of thought. Chen Zhiwen, editor-in-chief of China Education Online, said: "The essence of self-confidence is, to some extent, relaxation. "Children don't like to express themselves, and it may be that when they feel relaxed, they are actively participating in their own way.
02
Is it really necessary for children to learn from others?
The recent Winter Olympics have ended, and many parents and children have watched the games together. Seeing that the players who have won glory for the country are confident and generous, parents are also inclined to find a role model for their children to learn. However, in the live discussion of "Literature Education", teacher Chu Yin raised a question:
Why do we ask our children to learn from others?
Everyone is eager to set a standard: to be braver like so-and-so, and to be bold is self-confidence in the ideal state. Admittedly, this is a way of measuring, but it can also become an accusation in the eyes of the child.
Teacher Chu Yin's own growth experience as a child was spent in comparison. Because their parents are college professors, they have high expectations of their children and will always pull up a "nother person's child" to motivate him to forge ahead.
In such a growth environment, Chu Yin internalized his emotions more and became cautious and pessimistic.
In fact, we don't have to expect our children to learn from others, children have their own life trajectory. Everyone flocks to learn a standard object, and to some extent, it also hurts the uniqueness of the child.
Musk's mother, Meyer, taught her children from an early age: "Give up common sense and return to your own interests and ways of doing things." "Her own life has never taken the conventional route: modeling, learning nutrition, living in Africa with her children, even taking nude photos on the cover of magazines at the age of 60...
In Meyer's dictionary, there is no example to follow, only to cultivate his current life. Therefore, sometimes, we want our children to be confident, so it is better to start from ourselves and show our children what the state of self-confidence is. This kind of demonstration effect of "not saying broken" is much more effective and intuitive than letting children learn from others.
03
What is the definition and degree of self-confidence?
Mao's introverted personality has always been said to be "typhoon is not confident", but for himself:
"Introversion is either a character flaw, it's one of those traits."
Teacher Chu Yin believes that self-confidence is not necessarily "good", it may come from "fearlessness of the ignorant". Sometimes "effort under pessimistic predictions" is a sign of greater confidence.
Don Moore dialectically argues in his book Self-Confidence is the Answer to All Questions: "Confidence is not more and more, but learning how to adjust self-confidence, and finding a middle way between lack of confidence and overconfidence is the key." ”
Professor Don Moore's definition of self-confidence is that self-confidence is a parameter that represents past performance and current ability, which is the basis for predicting the future, that is, enabling a person to predict his or her own treatment of the problem at hand. And this prejudgment is related to the child's final decision.
From this definition, we can understand why Teacher Chu Yin ridiculed his son. He said: "The most unaccustomed thing for me is that my son doesn't know anything, but he is complacent. For a father who has a pessimistic prediction of the development of things since childhood and hopes to do his best every time, this "blind confidence" of his son is very dangerous in Chu Yin's view.
On the road to children's growth, it is bound to suffer from a lot of "losing" situations, at this time, self-confidence is inevitable. Even if the parents on the side have been encouraging "you are already great", "this time there is progress", etc., in the eyes of the child is a comforting measure.
Therefore, the best way to cultivate children's self-confidence is to let them truly experience winning and losing. The taste of winning certainly increases their control, while losing can also allow children to avoid overconfidence.
Bai Yansong once said: "It is by no means physiologically responsible for parents, we are naturally qualified parents, and parents are a big industry that requires lifelong learning."
In the process of growing up, the responsibilities borne by parents are at least 51% controlled. ”
For children, self-confidence building is inextricably linked to the attitudes held by parents. In a way, lack of self-confidence is the norm in life. If you take your child's "factory settings" too much as a problem, it will cause stress and confusion to your child.
What children need is the right and just right amount of confidence for themselves. This state of comfort and ease requires both inward exploration and gentle and firm parents to help them perceive, confirm, and correct appropriately.