The colleague's family has two sons, the eldest son is 6 years old and the first grade, and the younger son is 3 years old and has just started kindergarten.
When she was chatting with me, her eldest son had asked her several times: "Mom, can we not have a brother?" ”
For this problem, she thinks that she has deliberately avoided the trouble caused by having a second child to a first child.
For example, she will specifically find time and play alone with her eldest son, and will set the background map of the QQ space to take a photo with the eldest son, but even so, the eldest son still feels that his mother is better to his brother, and he is very sad.
The older brother said that she didn't want her brother and didn't like her brother, but she was actually jealous that her brother had robbed her mother of her time and attention, which made her very upset about what to do.
I understood her troubles, but there was no good way to help her solve them at the time, because I was also worried that if I planned to have a second child, I might face the same problem.
Until recently, I read a book and suddenly became enlightened about this question, called "LaRousse Child Psychology Encyclopedia: 60 Big Life Problems that Help Children Grow."
How does it help parents answer questions like "don't want younger siblings"?
The book sets up a scene in which 6-year-old Alicia asks her mother, "Why does her mother prefer her sister?" ”
The mother first accepted and acknowledged the child's emotions, helping the child establish the origin of this emotion: let the child understand that he thinks his mother prefers his sister because his sister is smaller and needs more care from his mother, and he has more time and attention from his mother. "Maybe you think this way because you're jealous of your sister, who feels more caring than you do."
At the same time, tell your child that jealousy is actually a very normal emotion, especially when facing the person you love. While that's okay, we also need to avoid the anger and hurt caused by jealousy.
This is how the mother helps the child deal with this jealousy:
On the one hand, assure the child that the mother's love will not be less.
Mom told Alicia: "Mom promises that Mom's heart is elastic, and when she has more children, her heart will also grow bigger", and Mom will not care less for each child. Although the mother needs to spend more time taking care of her sister, love is not measured by time, and the former mother without a sister also takes care of Alicia, who is also a baby.
On the other hand, what to do when a mother tells her child that her jealousy is overstepped —
"When you feel extremely mad and uncontrollable, you can go to your mom or dad and tell them how you feel. They'll give you a big hug and you'll be immersed in the happy hours of 'being together'. ”
Mom to Alicia "Why does Mom prefer sisters?" The answer is actually a typical acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) in psychology, which can help children recognize their own problems, understand their emotions, and answer their own confusion.
In the process of children's growth, they usually issue a variety of "heavenly questions", the problem is that they understand the door to the world, is the key bridge to establish a outlook on life and values.
In the book "LaRousse Little Encyclopedia of Child Psychology", author Carin Simone helps parents how to better answer their children's "heavenly questions" in the form of scene reproduction.
The book collects 60 questions that children may encounter and be deeply troubled, and these questions are presented in the form of "soul torture" for parents, such as "Why do mothers prefer little sisters?" above. ”。
Another example is "Why do mom and dad want to be separated?" "Why don't you like sleeping alone?" "Why do you always feel like an invisible person?" "Why do people die?" "Does the White Ghost really exist?" Wait a minute.
These questions touch on all aspects of our lives, such as family affection, love, friendship, death, school, family, social interaction, fear, and so on.
Many questions may never be thought of by our parents, but it must be admitted that for the "heavenly questions" they send, if parents cannot guide and answer them well, it will not only hinder the development of their curiosity, but also may leave the children with the secondary harm of being ignored and decided.
The author of the book, Carin Simone, a French clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, graduated from the Paris School of Psychology, trained in family therapy and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and spent 25 years with sick children in child mental health centers.
Child psychology is a complex science, but in the book, the author uses a childlike short story, with a seemingly simple and easy to understand but very professional answer, leading us non-professional parents to understand the psychological development of children little by little.
As a parent should learn some knowledge of child psychology, I recognize a sentence in the book, understand child psychology, in fact, "not to become a psychologist for yourself, but to better help children grow up and make them pass through every critical stage." ”
If you can understand the psychology of children, parents can guide them well to know themselves, understand the world, solve most of the problems they may encounter, and grow up healthier and happier.