Author | Lee walnut
Some people say that the greatest humility of parents is that their children enter puberty.
How to educate adolescent children has become the most headache for many parents
What do adolescent children really want?
Wang Zhanjun, director of the China Education Society, once said something.
Once he drove his daughter to an after-school class, and she sat in the back seat drinking coffee.
He was worried that the coffee had spilled, so he instructed: Put the coffee cup on the card seat, don't spill it.
As soon as he finished speaking, he felt: Broken!
Sure enough, the daughter shouted at him irritably: "I just want to release, you remind me, do you say I put it or not?" If I let it go, do you count yours or mine? ”
He quickly apologized and retracted his words.
The writer Mai Jia said: "Accompanying adolescent children, to put it ugly, is to accompany a tiger, you have to be careful." ”
One carelessly provokes him, from throwing his face and quarreling with his parents, to running away from home and even doing more extreme things.
Why are adolescent children so prone to tantrums?
Why My Adolescent Kids Don't Talk to Me points out that this is because of dramatic changes in hormones and brains that have led to emotional problems in children.
Developmental psychology believes that the child's sense of autonomy has awakened, and he wants to make his own decisions and get rid of the control of his parents, so as to prove that "I have grown up".
If parents are not aware of this, do not allow their children to make their own decisions, or even forcibly control them in a way that hurts their self-esteem, they will be fiercely resisted by their children.
A few days ago, a 15-year-old girl in Changzhou, Jiangsu Province, tore at her mother on the street, and a sharp cry came out of her mouth.
Just because the girl's old phone was broken and wanted to buy an Apple 13. She saved 4,000 yuan for her own part-time job, and her mother promised to make up the remaining 2,000 yuan.
But after arriving at the mall, the uncle said that "the old mobile phone can still be repaired", the mother repented, and the mother and daughter quarreled.
At the door of the crowded mall, the mother counted her daughter in various ways, and onlookers also accused her of not understanding things.
Girls who are in adolescence, who regard dignity more than anything else, how can they accept such onlookers and counts?
She was ashamed to let her mother leave quickly, and her mother not only refused, but continued to count.
She had an emotional breakdown! This is the scene where the mother is torn up.
It is a disaster for adolescent children to meet self-righteous parents.
After the news broke, many netizens said:
Although the girl's behavior is inappropriate, the mother's responsibility is greater, you can not support, but do not rebel, do not insult on the street, do not treat the child as a dignified person.
The book "Decoding Adolescence" points out that teenagers are the most self-conscious, especially eager to gain freedom, respect, and recognition from others, so they often have this thought:
If these needs are not met, they will feel offended, and they will be prone to irritability and emotional loss of control, which will lead to violent parent-child conflicts.
Therefore, ignoring the child's psychological needs and emotional feelings is the root cause of the conflict between parents and children in adolescence.
Smart parents are "consultants", not "managers"
After watching a video, a girl sent a WeChat message to a classmate about going to the exhibition hall on Saturday.
Mom suggested, "Go again on Sunday, and finish your homework on Saturday." ”
The girl said disapprovingly, "I've made an appointment with my classmates." ”
Mom began to nag:
"I didn't finish my homework, and I always wanted to play." If you go on like this, what if you can't go to college in the future? You look at your class so-and-so, all weekend at home making rolls..."
The daughter was impatient: "Leave it alone!" We've made an appointment. ”
Mom was even more energetic: "I'm your mother, I don't care who you are in charge!" I'll take care of you for your own good..."
The daughter was so angry that she pushed her mother out of the room and locked the door.
Michael Rivera, Ph.D. in American Education, said:
"Before your child's adolescence, you play the role of 'manager' in your child's life.
If you want to have a positive impact on your child during adolescence and beyond, you have to change your role, become a counselor, and get back on the job. ”
The manager controls, constrains, and guides the leader.
Consultants provide advice based on experience and are influencers.
Smart parents act as "advisors", giving their children more autonomy than controlling and constraining everything.
Because puberty is a transitional period from child to adult, children learn to arrange their own food, clothing, living, traveling, and playing at this stage, and learn to make decisions for their own lives.
The excessive control of parents not only deprives children of the opportunity to face problems and solve problems on their own, but also ignores the emotional feelings of children who want to make decisions for themselves.
Children who have never been able to make decisions for themselves may be stuck in adolescence forever.
Either they are prone to disputes with their parents when they become adults, or they simply become "giant babies" who obey their parents' orders.
The rebellious child actually needed the help of his parents
There is a junior boy named Gong Hao in "Teenagers Say", who knows that he has reached the rebellious period of youth, likes to do things according to his own will, and is easy to get angry and quarrel with his parents.
But he also wanted to control his temper, but he couldn't restrain himself.
So he wiped his tears and said to his parents, "I also want to change and I want to become better."
I want you to help me, not just criticize me. Can you help me through this period of rebellion? ”
Adolescent children seem to have everything in their own minds.
However, due to the limitations of age and experience, their ideas, practices, and abilities are not mature enough, and they need the help of parents more.
Such screwed children test the educational wisdom of parents even more.
"Consultant" parents know how to influence their children in these aspects.
(1) Give your child ideas, but let him make his own decisions
Psychological counselor Wang Zhanjun's daughter was a bit biased when she was in junior high school, and he wanted to help her daughter, but her daughter was unwilling.
So he wrote a "cover letter" to his daughter, wanting to apply for her daughter's "learning consultant", but asked her daughter to pay a monthly salary of 1 yuan.
The daughter felt that she could hire or dismiss her father as needed, so she agreed, and finally got on track quickly with her father's help.
The biggest feature of "consultant parents" is that they "provide services" without making decisions.
Children can learn from the experience of the consultant and make their own decisions according to their own wishes, why not enjoy it?
The book "Don't Fight the Adolescent Child" says, "When a child finds that you respect him, he is reasonable." ”
We know more than the child, but not necessarily the child is willing to accept us interfering in his affairs.
So when a child needs help, parents can provide one or more ideas for the child to weigh the pros and cons and make decisions on their own.
(2) Pay attention to the child's emotional feelings first, and then talk about reasonable things
Professor Li Meijin said: "Educating children must be emotional first, discipline behind. ”
Adolescent children don't want advice, nag, but don't refuse to understand and empathize. Let their emotional needs be met, and it is easier to win their cooperation.
The book "How to Say Children Will Listen, How to Listen to Children To Speak" provides a communication method to establish an empathetic relationship with children, and there are 4 steps when used:
The first step is to listen intently without nagging the child.
The second step is to respond to the child's feelings with "Oh", "um", etc., so that the child feels concerned.
The third step is to say how the child feels, so that the child feels understood.
The fourth step is to realize their wishes in a fanciful way, without directly making suggestions.
For example, when a child does not like to make a roll, it can be done like this:
Let the child vent his dissatisfaction with making the roll,
At the same time, use short "um" and "oh" short responses to make children feel concerned.
Then say how the child feels: having to make a roll every day is really annoying.
Finally, fantasize: "If there is no exam, it would be fine." ”
Children will understand for themselves, or honestly accept the status quo and learn with peace of mind!
When feeling accepted, children are more likely to feel respected, so it is easier to cooperate with parents' education.
(3) Before the age of 12, have a good relationship with your child
A U.S. study of adolescents around the world found that:
Only one in five children has adolescent rebellion.
In a warm, supportive family atmosphere, there is less chance of parent-child conflict.
In a hostile, coercive, and critical family atmosphere, parent-child conflict can worsen.
So, if an adolescent child likes to work against their parents, it means that their parent-child relationship has been in trouble a long time ago.
It's just that at that time, the children were young and more dependent on their parents, and the problems were covered up.
Therefore, before the arrival of puberty, parents must establish a good parent-child relationship with their children.
Before the age of 3, establish an emotional dependency relationship with him, raise him personally as much as possible, and establish an intimate emotional connection with him.
4 to 6 years old, began to make rules, so that children have a sense of awe, distinguish between right and wrong.
7 to 12 years old, supervise him to develop good study habits, from primary school to self-discipline, self-discipline, self-control.
After the age of 12, the words of parents become "garbage".
At this time, it is necessary to talk less, listen more, give advice without making decisions for him, and let the child be independent.
The book Decoding Adolescence says: "When children grow up as teenagers, dramatic changes occur in all aspects of their bodies, cognitions, emotions, and social scope. So what they need to get from their parents is different. ”
When children are young, we need to be good nannies and take care of them in every way.
In adolescence, children are more eager to self-manage and grow up freely, and the rules of their game with their parents change.
Meeting the different needs of children at different stages is what wise parents do.
After he has smoothly passed through this period of twisting and awkwardness, he will also re-accept his parents.
Children's rebellion is instinctive, and after the end of the rebellious period, they are still willing to trust their parents, which is the ability of parents.
——End——
Author: Li Walnut, social science book editor, is walking on the road to marriage, exploring the parenting code. Some of the pictures in this article come from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.