Becoming a victim of bullying is often a painful and emotional journey. As a parent, taking the right steps can ensure that your child feels safe as they overcome this difficult phase.
Before that, I'll tell a "story of two apples."
It goes like this.
A teacher stands in front of the classroom, holding two identical apples in his hand, one in each palm. She repeatedly dropped one from a high place while clinging to the other.
After a while, she asked the students if any of the apples had changed.
Since there was no obvious difference at first glance, they replied that the two apples looked exactly the same as before.
But when the teacher picked up the knife and cut into the two apples, the one that had been dropped several times revealed the severely bruised flesh, while the other was intact.
The reality of bullying is that victims tend to look normal on the outside, even though they may be experiencing great trauma on the inside.
That's why it's always important to let students know from an early age that their words and deeds will have a serious impact on the lives of those they choose to bully.
However, it is difficult to determine whether those harmful behaviors are indeed bullying. Like dropping an apple, it's hard to decipher the intent of the action. Was it intentional? Is it repeated over time? Do victims find it difficult to stop these harmful behaviors?
In a range of hurtful behaviors, including bullying, parents and teachers have the ability to adjust their responses and support to their children and nip problems in the bud.
A key step is to identify signs that the child is feeling uneasy and affected by the words and actions of others. While physical bullying in the form of bruises and lumps tends to be more pronounced and suggests a problem, it becomes particularly difficult to detect when bullying is verbal or social in nature.
In such cases, the most important sign is a dramatic change in their child's personality or demeanor, which usually occurs in a short period of time and for no apparent reason.
When a child who is usually lively suddenly becomes quiet or vice versa, this usually indicates that there may be a larger underlying problem, so parents need to be vigilant.
Communication & Support
When parents observe that their children have these signs of pain or confide in them, the first thing parents should do is find out what is happening in their children. Next, notify the school of the event. This will enable the school to get a full picture of the situation and investigate further. Parents and teachers can then discuss next steps to better resolve the issue and prevent further incidents from occurring.
Strong communication networks between students, schools and parents are essential to help combat bullying and other forms of harm.
Handling of the situation
As a parent, discovering that your child is a victim of bullying can be a very emotional experience. Parental reactions can determine the success or failure of a situation.
Although this can be a difficult phase, you must remain calm to properly assess the situation and provide emotional support for your child.
For victims of bullying who may already be under mental and physical coercion, not having parental support can be very detrimental to their recovery process.
From an early age, children tend to see their parents as a safe haven for comfort and safety, and as parents we must provide them with listening ears and not jump to conclusions too soon. We must express our support for our children by being informed.
One of the biggest mistakes parents who bully victims can make is to encourage their children to fight back against their oppressors.
While this may seem like the most practical response, it not only puts the child at greater risk, but also means that no solution can be found.
Violence is not the way to go, it may actually make things worse because a counterattack can provoke bullies and cause them to retaliate with greater force. Then your child's self-worth drops even more.
Instead, parents should do their best to explain what the bully really thinks.
It's important to help your child understand that all bullies want to do is incite a reaction. The greater the reaction, the greater the bully's satisfaction. As a parent, you can guide your child to understand that what bullies say or do to them does not define who they are.
Parents can also co-play with their children, practicing a confident response instead of being passive or aggressive, such as "Stop now and leave me alone," and then walk away and ask for help from an adult.
Parents' response to this can provide students with an opportunity to develop their character and resilience.
It can be difficult at first, but if you try to ignore the bully multiple times, they will eventually realize that they can't beat you. That's where you succeed because you managed to solve the problem without retaliation for violence, and you didn't let the bully's actions define who you are.
What to do when your child is being bullied
For parents of bullies, finding that your child has been intimidating others at school can sometimes be difficult to cope with.
There are usually three different reactions.
The first is often apathy, with parents downplaying the seriousness of the situation, saying "the child is the child" or "this is just the stage where they will eventually grow up".
The second tends to apologize and is willing to work with schools to take steps to ensure their children are better off.
The third is usually denied. Regardless of the evidence in front of them, they vigorously defend their children, sometimes even trying to locate their children as victims rather than perpetrators.
It's natural for parents to want to protect their children, but by acknowledging the fact that their children are mean and disrespectful in their behavior, parents are actually helping their own children learn and grow from their mistakes.
If left unchecked, their actions could have dire consequences in the future, by which time any intervention would be too late.
The bystander effect
Bystanders who witness bullying also play the most important role in changing the balance of power between bullies and victims.
Bullies often publicly exhibit acts of violence and aggression to prove themselves and get affirmation from those around them.
Thus, when a bystander steps in and blames the bully's behavior, the latter immediately feels the need to change his ways to be accepted by those around him.
Numbers definitely have power, so parents should have their children speak up the moment they see someone being bullied. The more bystanders remain silent, the more powerful the bully tends to feel. It's that simple.
Small acts of kindness can have a big impact on victims. As a parent, you can encourage your child to be a helpful and loving friend, to rest with a classmate who has been overlooked by others, to chat with them, and to understand their feelings.