Third-class parents manage their children with their fists, second-class parents manage their children with their mouths, and first-class parents manage their children with behavior. Don't fight or scold, use your actions to influence children, and use your emotions to infect children, is the direction of education that we pursue.
Many parents have this feeling, the older the child, the more difficult it is to manage! Especially after the children go to school, the sense of self becomes stronger and stronger, and the daily tug-of-war between parents and children begins to be staged.
A few days ago, some friends got together, gossip did not talk about two sentences, the topic naturally turned to educating children, everyone was talking about it, and Lao Liu on the side suddenly interjected: "I really envy you, the children at home are obedient." The boy in my family took me talking as a fart, choked me when he was in a hurry, and sometimes it really made me half dead, and I thought he was the father.
In the morning, you keep urging, but he refuses to get up!
You let him do his homework by himself, and after half an hour, he didn't write a word!
Ask him to eat more vegetables and fruits, he does not listen, always secretly eat snacks!
I was obviously right, but also for his own good, even if I said it 1,000 times, he just wouldn't listen, so angry that I wanted to hit someone! “
Dear parents and friends, is there such a situation in your family?
1 The more threatening you are, the less the child listens
American Tiger Mother Cai Mei'er, you know?
Right! It is the mother who sent her two daughters to Harvard Yale, in order to let her children win, first of all, at the expense of all kinds of coercion, grievance, and even the use of high-pressure means. But even if she is such a tough mother, when she encounters her daughter who is disobedient, sometimes there is no rut.
In her best-selling book, Tiger Mother's Battle Song, she tells the story of something that happened to her and her daughter.
When her daughter Lulu was a child, she used various methods to force her daughter to practice the piano, but Lulu refused to cooperate. Cai Mei'er, who did not give up on reaching the goal, then threatened her daughter that if she did not practice again, she would be thrown outside the door of the cold wind.
I thought that this trick would make my daughter afraid to obey, but I didn't expect that the stubborn Lulu really opened the door, stepped out in thin clothes, and looked at her provocatively before going out.
Cai Mei'er, who did not succeed in the plan, had no countermeasures for a while, and in embarrassment, she could only find herself under the steps, she said, "Lulu, it seems that you have begun to want to be a good child, you can enter the house."
Who expected, Lulu, who was trembling in the cold wind, resolutely refused to enter the door. Cai Mei'er, who was extremely passive, had to take out chocolates and cakes before finally coaxing her daughter into the house.
In the face of stubborn and disobedient children, threatening them with "harsh words", I believe that many parents are familiar with the road, "if you don't go, you will be left here alone", "Run so crazy again, never take you out again", "If you dare to stand up again, you will be spanked"...
As soon as the "harsh words" flew out, the child immediately relented, which was more effective than our barabala's persuasion for half an hour. However, this "big move" has "sequelae". The more frequently it is used, the faster it will fail.
When we first threatened the child loudly, the child was really scared and would behave honestly and obediently. But after the number of loud threats, the child will get used to it, seemingly listening to you, in fact, the attention has already wandered elsewhere, and it doesn't care what you are talking about.
There is a term in psychology called the over-limit effect, and the explanation for it is as follows: due to too much stimulation, too strong or too long-term action, resulting in psychological extreme impatience or rebellious psychological phenomena. To put it simply, it is: "If you want to say something powerful, don't nag."
Why do the children who stab their heads obey in the army? Because the instructions of the instructors of the troops were simply resolute and never dragged the mud with the water. The longer and cumbersome the instructions, the less executable they are.
2 Before you criticize your child, you have to do it yourself
Someone asked: "How do you think that parents always like to mention 'other people's children'?" ”
One of the most liked answers is: because "it is much easier to force children than to force yourself." ”
Yu Minhong once strongly recommended a book called "Change The Child First Change Himself", the author of this book, Jia Rongtao, was originally a successful career, but he was a "terrible" father.
His son is a "deep Internet addicted teenager", the bottom of the academic performance, several times involved in group fights, twice by the school to dissuade.
For this son, Jia Rongtao also beat and scolded, and even ran to the school to make trouble.
But his son not only did not relent, but on the contrary, he intensified his efforts, staying up all night in the Internet café and no longer going to school.
The disappointed Jia Rongtao made a surprising decision, he shut down the business he had worked so hard to build, and returned home to concentrate on his son.
After returning home, he made up all kinds of educational knowledge and tried to adjust his education methods.
The child makes a mistake, he no longer takes a violent solution, but patiently strives to communicate; the child is sloppy and does not pay attention to hygiene, he starts from himself, cleans all the rooms every day, the child does not love to learn, he insists on reading a lot every day, and strives to create a learning atmosphere.
Seeing Jia Rongtao, who was trying to change, his son was touched and began to reduce the number of times he went to the Internet café. One day, at the instigation of his classmates, his son went to the Internet café to play all night, until the next morning, when he walked into the house with his head bowed.
Jia Rongtao not only did not criticize him, but also served hot rice and hot dishes, saying: "Child, although you went to the Internet café again, your progress is amazing, and the number of times you enter the Internet café has been greatly reduced, which proves that you are a person with perseverance and are not far from success!" Even if you can defeat such a powerful enemy as the Net Demon, what difficulties can you not overcome? ”
In the end, Jia Rongtao's son completely quit internet addiction, studied hard, and was admitted to a key university in the college entrance examination.
There is a saying that third-class parents use fists to manage their children, second-class parents to manage their children with their mouths, and first-class parents to manage their children with behavior.
Teaching by example is more important than words, and when we do a good job of ourselves, the child will naturally follow.
3 Do not fight or scold, and educate children to have a method
1. Use appropriate methods to get your child's attention
Ask your child to stop what he's doing, look at you, and talk to him at this time. Otherwise, many times the child is immersed in doing things and will really not hear you.
2. Try to keep nagging as little as possible
Parents talk too nagging, which is equivalent to turning their words into white noise, suitable for coaxing sleep, not suitable for letting words enter the child's brain. Therefore, I usually say less, talk about important situations, talk about it once, and solve it completely and thoroughly.
3. Instructions should be specific and free of negative emotions
Give instructions to your child to let him know exactly what you want him to do at the moment, for example, instead of saying, "You should be neater," you have to say, "Now clean up your desktop, and then we'll do the work." ”
Instructions should not be complaining, accusing, counting, and not carrying negative emotions. When a person finds himself being accused of criticism by others, he must be even more reluctant to listen; because his mental energy is now used to "defend" your "attack".
4. Be patient and wait for feedback from your child
After giving the instructions, give the child some time. The practice of many parents is to see that the child does not react immediately, immediately issue a second order arrow, and then one close to the other, the firepower quickly escalates, and in a short while it will be filled with smoke. Give the instructions and finally give the child 10 seconds to give him enough time to react.
5. After giving your child instructions, ask him to repeat them
Sometimes, after giving your child instructions, you need to repeat them to make sure he really hears and understands them. Often, the child does not do what the adult asks, not because he is determined to resist, but because he is young and does not understand.
Parents ask their children to confirm that sometimes such problems can be detected in time. Then we make adjustments to make our instructions more specific, clear, and concise. As children get older, we can gradually increase the complexity of instructions and exercise their auditory perception.
6. Teach children to think differently
If necessary, discuss with your child: When you call your mom, how do you feel if mom doesn't respond? When you call out to children, what do you think if the other party doesn't pay attention to you? When you have a problem calling the teacher, what do you think if the teacher does not respond? Tell him that replying to others is the most basic etiquette and respect for others. For example, if someone gives you something, if you refuse, you must also say "thank you, I don't want", and you can't ignore it.
7. Try to leave things to your child to manage on their own
When you can't move your child, reflect on whether you have too many instructions and control over your child. If we can give the child autonomy and space, encourage him to do things independently, judge for himself, choose for himself, make his own decisions, and give him the things that belong to him, and only appear when you really need your opinions and reminders, then your opinions and reminders will be more respected.
Anyone hates to be urged, and parental urging often causes resentment among children, so try to leave things to the children themselves. For example, replacing your supervision and urging with an alarm clock or timer must be better.
As parents, if we want to keep our children's ears and let them listen to our advice, we must learn to be patient to adjust our mentality and seek effective entry points and expressions.
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