The Intensive Jun General Dictionary has been launched with 1791/2000 entries
Today is the 3004th day of intensive reading jun to accompany you throughout your lifelong growth
01
"What is the difference between love and marriage?"
I think there are some answers in everyone's mind.
On such a question, everyone can say something, but they can't always say it clearly.
More than 2.6 million people watched the discussion on this issue.
Among them, the answer of Mr. Cai Lan, an 80-year-old gourmet at the time, was praised by 10,000 people.
"Many young people ask me: What is love like?"
Mr. Cai Lan said that he did not understand, so he could only borrow the answer of the philosopher Plato.
One day Plato asked his teacher Socrates, what is love? How to find it?
The teacher replied, "There is a big wheat field in front of you, you go forward, you can't go back, and you can only pick one tree, if you find the goldenest ear of wheat, you will find love." ”
Plato walked forward, walked for a short time, turned his head back, empty-handed, and could not pick anything.
The teacher asked him, "Why can't you pick it?" ”
Plato said, "Because you can only pick it once, and you can't turn it back." The most golden ear of wheat was found, but I don't know if there is a better one in front, so I didn't pick it. Further on, the ears of wheat you saw were not as good as the one on top, and nothing could be picked. ”
The teacher said, "This is love." ”
Because I don't know if there is a better choice ahead, I can't make up my mind, which makes it easy to miss the "best love" for me.
In this way, love is unattainable, it is more like an ideal, and if you are not careful, you will miss it.
Another day Plato asked Socrates, what is marriage? How can I find it?
Socrates replied, "There is a very lush forest ahead, and you can't go back when you go forward." You can only cut down a barn, and if you find the tallest and largest tree, you know what marriage is. ”
Plato went forward, and soon after walking, he cut down a tree and came back.
This tree is not luxuriant, nor is it tall, it is an ordinary tree.
Socrates asked him, "How did you find only such an ordinary tree?" ”
Plato replied, "With the experience of the last time, I walked into the forest halfway through, still empty-handed. At this time, I saw the tree, thought it was not too bad, and cut it down and brought it back. Don't miss it. ”
The teacher replied, "This is marriage." ”
Marriage is often after love, when a person misses his ideal love, it is more likely to suffer from gain and loss, afraid of taking care of one or the other, so "meeting the right, almost can be" often becomes the beginning of marriage.
This story tells a truth:
In the eyes of many people, love is often idealistic, and marriage is often "will be", find a less ideal, but not hateful, and suitable person to marry.
But at this time, someone asked, "Can a marriage with a low concentration of love last?" ”
02
According to a survey, the shelf life of love is usually only "18-30 months".
Since then, the two have either parted ways or lived a life of unfazed conjugal life.
Professor Cindy Hatsan of Cornell University in the United States, with the assistance of psychologist Dorothor, came to the above conclusion after surveying 5,000 couples of 37 different cultural levels and conducting medical tests.
She believes that 18 to 30 months is enough for a man and a woman to meet, date, bond, and have children.
And after this process, the two people no longer have a strong feeling of love.
When the passion period disappears, love will fade with it, and it is generally not easy to see the situation of rapid heartbeat and sweating palms.
That is, most love, no matter how high the concentration, will be worn out in a year or two.
In the book "The Journey of Love", there is a similar view.
The book argues that the reason for the decline in marital satisfaction is habituation.
And this is one of the important psychological laws that govern our lives.
Its laws are obvious.
If we repeatedly contact a stimulus, no matter what the stimulus is, over time, we will gradually ignore it, because the stimulus has always been there, and we will no longer have feelings for it, and thus lose interest.
The Intensive Reading Jun's General Dictionary entry "Marginal Utility" also illustrates this truth:
Let a person who has no shoes to wear accidentally get a pair of shoes and rate the shoes. As a result, regardless of whether the shoes looked good or not, he immediately rated them high.
Next, the man kept getting shoes, but as he continued to rate later shoes, the scores got lower and lower.
The satisfaction brought to him by the "next pair of shoes" gradually decreases, which is the law of diminishing marginal utility.
The more times a person repeatedly receives the same or similar remuneration over a period of time, the less value the additional portion of that remuneration will be.
When you get used to the happiness and happiness in a relationship and become no longer fresh, the same mode of getting along can no longer bring you the same sense of satisfaction.
03
Therefore, from this point of view, whether the marriage is long-lasting or not has little to do with the concentration of love at the beginning.
What can sustain a marriage is often the efforts of both parties in the process.
As the book mentions, "Couples in a lasting marriage are able to escape the curse of habituation, not because of accidental luck, but because both spouses strive to make the marriage last." ”
The English word for marriage is wedlock, the word is derived from Old English, where "wed" means commitment and "lac" means action, which means that marriage contains commitment and action.
Erich Fromm also said in The Art of Love that love is not a feeling, but an action.
Therefore, true love should be able to make people see action.
To confuse true love with the feeling of love is to deceive oneself.
For example, a person who drinks all day and does not care about his wife and children may tearfully say to the bartender, "I love my family." ”
This false gesture is actually not difficult to understand.
Putting "love" in words, or imagining true love only in the mind, and using it as evidence of love is obviously a breeze, but the act of showing love is difficult.
So love is action, not fantasy.
And maintaining a long-term marriage or love also depends on actions to achieve.
In Journey of Love, two suggestions are made for maintaining intimacy:
Communicate actively and avoid cold violence.
When contradictions are found, it is necessary to actively communicate and deal with them positively, rather than choosing cold violence.
Express your wishes while listening to each other's ideas and working together to find solutions to problems.
Share the chores in the family.
The book mentions examples of housework, "Sometimes, love means husband and wife doing housework together, or dividing the housework equally. ”
This reminds people that there was a media photo of Huo Qigang and Guo Jingjing visiting the supermarket to buy daily necessities.
The media was surprised that they would do such a small thing as buying rice and buying vegetables. One is a rich man, a halo of world champions on his head, and in the eyes of outsiders, such a thing should be responsible for someone.
But Huo Qigang said bluntly: "We are just living together, I don't know why everyone feels strange?" ”
Family life is the trivial daily life of chai rice oil salt sauce vinegar tea, so that the key to family harmony is always to pay and work together.
Turning the triviality of the day into the sweetness of the story is the secret of marriage preservation.
So look back at "What is the difference between love and marriage?" "When it comes to this question, I would say that they can actually be no different.
Because a good marriage is also a kind of love in itself.