From the age of one or two, parents face a headache every day, which is how to "make rules".
In this regard, even Sun Li, the "Niangniang" of the Buddhist lineage, is not exempt from vulgarity.
Previously, a Weibo post sent by Sun Li revealed the "eighteen bends in the heart" when "setting rules" for children.
In the matter of "managing" children, the mother who manages people is often more careful than the children who are managed.
On the one hand, I don't want to be an "old mother" who is nagging, and I also think that my child will have a lesson in eating some losses by herself, while on the other hand, I am worried that my child will really be hurt.
Sometimes I want to give my child freedom, but I worry that my freedom is too much, and I become a doting.
Her friend Mei Jing has also been plagued by this problem recently.
Mei Jing's son loves to watch cartoons very much, but considering that watching TV for a long time will hurt his eyes, Mei Jing only allows him to watch two episodes at a time.
Therefore, every time it comes to turning off the TV, it becomes a "tug-of-war" between mother and son, the child has to argue to watch another episode, the mother refuses, he cries and makes a big fuss.
At this time, Mei Jing's heart began to shake and tangle: "The child just wants to watch another episode of cartoons, and it seems that it is not too much." No, no, no, if you say that if you watch two episodes, you have to follow the rules..."
Every time the entanglement is made, how to make rules has become a problem that confuses Mei Jing.
Rules are the product of the family and the environment
Previously, there was a small video circulating on the Internet that made people laugh.
The daughters "teach" their fathers in a serious way:
"Daddy, as soon as you see a cigarette, you're going to smoke it, smoke it with your uncle, and your heart won't go black?" That day you said quit smoking, why didn't you quit smoking? ”
There was also a fierce milk that yelled at the father who was playing the game: "Daddy, why don't you sleep yet?" ”
The little babies train their fathers to be the head of the tao. However, the little ones are also righteous, if parents can't do it, how easy is it to make rules for their children?
In one episode of "Teenagers Say", a boy complained about his father, always preaching, but refusing to be an example.
For example, the father himself is addicted to smoking, but he educates his son: "No matter what the father does in the future, you are absolutely not allowed to smoke, this thing is not small poison." ”
When the son protested, the father defended: "Although the father cannot teach by example, he can speak." ”
However, with such a pale justification, the child did not buy it, but said a heartfelt sentence:
"You always say that life is stressful, and you smoke to relieve boredom. But if I also have my own son, and I am living a stressful life, will I follow your old path, and will I also have to tell my son? ”
In the final analysis, although the object of the rules is the child, it is the product of the parents' three views and behaviors.
The premise of "making rules" for children is that the whole family reaches an agreement and abides by them together.
If the whole family obeys unanimously and maintains a united front, the child will be more willing to abide by the rules of the family in such an environment.
Good "rules" education stimulates children's "self-discipline"
Most of the time, we establish rules for children through strict requirements, in addition to easily stimulating parent-child contradictions, the effect is not good.
Instead of restricting the child through strict "external forces", it is better to stimulate the child's "self-management" ability.
The best way to want children to spontaneously restrain their behavior and act according to "rules" is to protect their "self-expectations".
Let the child deeply feel that "I am good, I want to be better".
In rule education, the more scolding, suppression, and strict control, the more likely it is to run counter to the real solution.
At this time, we must think more about the child's motivation from the perspective of "drawing salary from the bottom of the pot".
Psychologist Maslow said:
"When a child feels insecure, when he is fundamentally hindered and threatened in terms of the need for security, the need for love, the need for belonging, and the need for self-esteem, he will show more selfishness, hatred, aggression and destructiveness."
When a child's heart is not filled with love, or thinks that he is a "bad boy", always criticized and not recognized, confrontation will grow.
On the contrary, if we can treat children in a tolerant and accepting way, patiently listen to children, see children's shining points, actively discover children's interests and hobbies and encourage them to gain a sense of accomplishment from them, we are more likely to achieve children's "self-management".
Appropriate methods make children more receptive to "rules"
1. Make rules in the way your child understands
To make rules for one- or two-year-old children, we must use a way they can understand, for example, there are mothers who are anxious about the problem of children's toys not returning, and repeatedly emphasize the rules of toys to return, but children always do not listen.
It is incomprehensible to say directly to a child under the age of 2, "Go and collect the toys", and can say "Let's send the toys home" and make him follow the rules in a way that he can understand.
2. Through discussion, make rules together
The child can understand the parents' instructions at the age of 3 years old, his understanding and autonomy have improved, and we can clarify what to do and what not to do through discussion.
In the process of discussion, let the child feel the judgment on his own, such as a guest at home, what should he do? What can't be done? Establish rules of hospitality together.
3. Rules are the rules of the whole family
When rules are jointly formulated, family members are required to follow them, especially parents.
Some parents stipulate that their children are not allowed to watch TV after school, but when their children are writing homework, they sit in the living room and watch TV; they ask their children to read books and sit in a correct posture, but they lie on the bed and read books.
If parents are not self-disciplined and just ask their children to do it, then the child will definitely have resistance and want to let the child implement the rules, and parents must set a good example.
4, do not easily break the rules
We often see scenes where children want to buy toys in the mall, and parents will say, "We said yes, and the toys that look similar are no longer bought." ”
Then the child began to cry, and even rolled on the ground, and some parents compromised to buy it for the child.
Originally, the rules were made, and when the child did not reach his goal and began to cry, the parents made concessions, which was undoubtedly telling the child that the rules could not be followed.
Therefore, after formulating the rules, parents must insist on implementing them and cannot be easily destroyed because of their children's crying.
5. What should I do if my child violates the rules?
Do you want to punish? Punishment can bring short-term effects, behind the punishment is a signal that I am strong and you are weak, it is disrespectful to the child, so it is not recommended to use.
In some cases, you can make your child bear the consequences. For example, if you clean up your school bag after writing your homework, if you forget to bring your homework book because you have not packed it, the child will have to bear the consequences that may be criticized by the teacher.
In some cases, logical consequences can also be used. For example, if the child agrees that if the toy is not packed, the mother will keep it for a week after cleaning up, until the child shows that he will put away the toy with practical actions and return the toy to the child.
In the final analysis, "making rules" for children is not to restrict children, but to set a safe protective line for children, so that children can get more complete freedom within the rules.
The rules established at a young age will subtly become the habits of children and affect their future choices.
Simple stopping and pressure can not make the child "convinced", but it is easier to provoke the child's rebellion.
It is important to let children grow up happily, but happiness is not the same as indulgence, learn to follow the rules, children can grow better.
Love based on rules is true love. For the child, reasonable rules and order, not a cage, but a track, to help him on the journey of life, has been on the right path.
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