When I got married, I felt that after giving birth to a baby, I would raise a baby well and be a good mother who followed the nature of my children.
Having a baby, I felt more and more that I was getting farther and farther away from the original intention of raising a baby well, and the main business became a tamed beast.
now
Along with the "bizarre" experience of a case, I think this is the portrayal of human nature, the portrayal of the family, and it is a real version, which is vividly interpreted in the hundreds of lives, and there is no moisture.
01
My emotions ---- you decide!
A few days ago, the epidemic was at its peak.
16-year-old little A, shawl distributed to my clinic, was originally a flower girl, but the heart is old, eyebrows are wrinkled, wearing a mask, but it is difficult to hide the endless sadness and hopelessness, choking, describing the scene that just happened at home: my mother tore her up! The reason was that she was listening to the song with headphones on her back, and it was swinging with the music.
Yes, looking at the scalp, sure enough, a few strands of hair were gone, and there were still undried blood on the scalp.
Look at her arms, covered with rows of tooth marks, red, purple, and even fleshy.
She said: The hair was torn off by her mother, and the arm was bitten by herself.
Little A said that when she was 10 years old, her father died unexpectedly in a car accident, her mother took her and her brother to live alone, worked odd jobs in the city to earn money, depended on each other in a tight knuckle, never remarried, at that moment on, my mother from the original often complained and accused, gradually evolved into insults and violent beatings, more and more intense, the most commonly said sentence is: "My fate is too bad, I am too unlucky, your father this dead ghost left us, I am alone desperate, eating and drinking are not as good as others, you are not obedient one by one!" ”
Little A said that her mother is very emotional, and if we are not happy, we will suffer. However, the conversation turned sharply, but my mother said the truth, she is living a very hard life now, how can I listen to music and enjoy it.
It seems that this invisible shackle has been trapped in the child. And the purpose of today's consultation is: how to make yourself have a bigger mind, and be able to withstand the attack of your mother's greater language and body...
This mother, the logic behind all actions: she has no happiness and happiness, but she is hitting any little pleasure in her child! In other words: I'm very bitter myself, and you're making me angry!
Folks, are you familiar with the image of a staring forked waist and roaring? Looking at the comfort of others is particularly uncomfortable!
I still remember a few days ago, my upstairs neighbor had a dog, walking downstairs at night into the lawn, a pair of "new dog shoes" together with the mouth stained with feces, was punished by the owner to kneel.
Everyone watched, and the owner of the dog said: This dog is as full of urine as my son, very stubborn, yesterday I just scolded him, honestly much more!
But 1 hour ago, I heard that their family was still singing birthday songs for the dog's birthday, and they hugged and hugged, how did their faces change in seconds?
In fact, this is typical, my emotions ---- you decide! Your behavior has satisfied me, we are intimate and laughing; your behavior does not meet my standards, well, don't blame me for turning my face and not recognizing people, you forced it!
Just like a post on the Internet about dog character training is very popular, the training effect is not bad.
1. Indulging dogs will develop many vices, which should be warned in time and must be changed as soon as possible.
2. The dog should reprimand it immediately after doing something that is not to your liking, or hold its chin to reprimand, or roll the magazine into a barrel and knock it on the floor and make a loud noise to intimidate it, these are all very effective methods.
3. Praise the dog when it is quiet. After the reprimand, the dog will be quieted when frightened, and it should be praised, stroked, and hugged.
Over time, the child also becomes a "dog", judging the master's instructions according to the adult's movements, tone of voice and the owner's eyes! A timid and humble flattering look.
02
Everything is --- I'll decide!
Hunan Satellite TV program "Teenagers Say", there is an issue that made an extremely deep impression on me.
As soon as a boy came on stage, he shouted to his mother: Stop eating me apples and eggs!
In elementary school, one apple a day, until the end of primary school a total of 2190 apples, after graduating from primary school, his mother asked him to have an egg a day, just like this, he ate eggs for a whole year and a half, a total of 547.5 eggs;
What a tired boy!
What's more, such as my client, 17-year-old Xiao B, who is in his third year of high school, because he feels bored and powerless, he attempted suicide and was brought by his parents for medical treatment. More than a dozen consecutive consultations have gradually presented the problems in parenting: all the decisions are made by parents, what kind of bedding to use, what kind of sleeping posture to sit in, what kind of hair to comb, what kind of smile to have, what time to eat and sleep, what time to get up, especially the holidays, what time to learn Chinese, what time to math, watch TV for a few minutes... The planning is meticulous to every minute and second of the day, even the prescribed reading of extracurricular books, if you are seeing the wonderful place, you have to put it down, because the eyes need to rest, you must quickly look out the window to protect the eyes!
Man does not live in this world to obey, not to be enslaved, but to unfold his life in the world. Otherwise, it is to live for others! It's the walking dead!
The Walking Dead, what's the living head? At the mercy of others, stuffy, annoying, full of regulations, heavy suffocation, like someone strangled the neck and could not move, dead, so the choice of small B is a natural result.
03
My dream ---- come true for you!
My mother said: When I was a child, I wanted to learn piano and dance, but I didn't have the conditions to learn, which is a pity. You must become a good pianist or dancer, your temperament is extraordinary, elegant and elegant, and how bright."
Dad said: Child, I got married too late, now you are a little powerless to raise you, you have to get married early, hurry up and have a baby, have more children and more blessings and enjoy it early!
Grandma said: Grandma ate the last meal from childhood without the next meal, hungry every day, you have to eat well, all kinds of "essential nutrition" are readily available, the child said, I am full, Grandma said, which can, must eat more, the body is good!
……
Without exception, they are forcing their children to fulfill their dreams for themselves. The obvious logic behind this is that their incomplete life, pinned on the next generation, must be played by them!
This is also the portrayal of many parents, especially the kind of friends who have no friends, who have no interest, who are more likely to give themselves what they have not got, have not completed, and give a brain to their children, and they toss their children at will, not too much, how to do it, they all feel that they are justified. Because you're my child!
But where is the child's independent personality and free will? Who are they themselves?
In "The Boy Says", there is another child shouting in the stands, his mother insists on letting him practice boxing from an early age, he is always the one who was beaten in the training ground, he actually does not want to practice boxing at all, his dream wants to learn street dance, but is it possible? Because my mother thinks boxing is good, street dance is a big deal, and your dream is a fart! ，
Just like the monkey who was trained to sell his art, when he did not have the ability to feed himself, I had to listen to you to have a way to live:
You make me jump, I have to jump, I need a life-saving ration;
You let me act, I have to act, I need a good face!
One less beating.
04
How --- the spell is broken?
Although he is a psychological counselor, he is constantly practicing everywhere and all the time. But it is also difficult to resist the demonic nature, from time to time, it will shuttle between raising babies and taming beasts, but fortunately, with awareness, timely withdrawal of the role of tamed beasts, and return to the original intention.
It is said that Su Daqiang in "All Is Good", after the death of his wife, changed his tricks to toss his children, made heaven and earth, and the cute scenes of tricks flying, is not it the crazy rebellion against the repression, not being satisfied, being accused, being suppressed, not being seen, and being humble and flattering?
As a human being, parents raising babies are like the debts owed by tamed animals, and they always have to pay back! A child who once became a well-behaved beast in front of his parents will grow up and return it to his child in the same way. In other words, I don't want to be like this, but I can't help myself. This is the cycle of fate in psychology, the compulsive repetition.
Life is the biggest ashram, how to break the spell?
At that time, PAPI Sauce's life ranking in a variety show was once intimidated: she > partner> children > parents, in fact, this is her clear point of view: love yourself first.
Only when people first nourish themselves, have the heart to raise themselves, and make up their own black holes, can they have the ability to love others, because parents who have not repaired old wounds are like holding up a dilapidated rotten umbrella to shield their children from the wind and rain, still full of wind and rain.
The movie "Flying Over the Madhouse" brings us a little enlightenment, the Mike in the film, he looks so happy, lives so vitally, because he dominates himself, he can dominate his dreams, he chooses the choices he wants to make...
First, be "selfish" a little.
What you want to eat, drink, wear, and give yourself something small. Because you are an adult, you can have your own opinions, you can satisfy yourself, not the child who needs to rely on the sniffles of others to have a way to live, you also have enough financial strength to buy food and drink for yourself, remember that you are an adult.
Second, do what you want to do most.
In my counseling, in the face of the client's repressed "inner child", I always leave them homework, try, do what you really want to do but do something that is uneasy. For example, sleeping late, raising birds, going to pet cats, wasting time that dare not be wasted, etc., visitors often feel good after doing it, and they are very happy to control their results, and the sky has not fallen.
Again, unload your deathless gold medal.
The former self, in order to live, cried and could not cry, angry could not be angry, words could not be said... These are the gold medals you once had to avoid death, and now that you put it down, you are the master of your emotions, you want to cry to the fullest, there are anger and bold expressions, and the real is far more qualitative than the humble who is patient.
Of course, you can also choose to go to class, go to counseling, and deeply heal yourself to avoid going into the pit from time to time, because we are often "touching the present scene and generating past feelings".
After becoming a parent, are you raising a baby or taming a beast along the way?
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