The best education is to always remind yourself not to be a discouraged parent
Author: Qingyun (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
A netizen shared his recent experience on social platforms:
The mother bought a box of yogurt that the child liked, the child opened it happily, and the mother asked: Can I get a bottle for the mother?
The child said happily: Okay, drink whatever you want, I'll invite you to drink.
Mom said happily: Wow, my son is so generous.
Dad suddenly sneered next to him: I don't need him to pay for it, it must be generous. Dad's "disappointment" is not the first time, but in every moment of life:
Mom said: so happy, my son has not been a picky eater recently, and when he looks a lot taller, Dad will say: It's not very tall, you see who is who, tall and strong.
The child on the side instantly had tears in his eyes, and looked at his father with a stubborn look and said: Am I never able to compare with other people's children?
Shakespeare once said: Your tongue is like a fast horse, it runs too fast, it will run out of strength.
If the parents' words are full of shocks and disappointments, the impact on the child will be deeply imprinted in the memory; A person and his native family are inextricably linked, and this connection will affect his whole life.
Parents who talk unhappy not only affect their child's childhood, but also affect their children's later life.
Parents are unhappy when they talk, and children are prone to unhappiness
There is a sentence in "The Way of Good Parents to Talk": Talking to children is a practice; Trivial daily communication requires a lot of energy and patience.
I think so. Words are supposed to be servants of thought, but in reality, they often become the masters of thought.
Sometimes it is obviously a happy thing, but because of the parents' poor expression, the child feels very disappointed after listening to it, and after a long time of accumulation, the child will only feel that life is desolate, but so.
There is a blogger's niece, who is deeply affected by it.
It is said that she took her niece on a trip to Yunnan, and along the way, she and her niece were enthusiastic to check in and eat food along the Internet celebrity route, but every time she asked her little niece, "Do you like it?" All I got was a response like, "Make do, okay."
After arriving at Dali Shuanglang from Lijiang, my niece began to complain constantly: "There are too many people here, this dish is really unpalatable, this place to live is too difficult..."
The blogger asked her: "What your eyes see is the worst side of every place; What comes out of the mouth is also full of negative and discouraged words; Are you happy with yourself? ”
"The flowers in Yunnan are so beautiful, the snowy mountains are really spectacular, the stone roads and old houses in the ancient city are very distinctive, the Naxi potato rice is delicious, the service in the inn is very intimate, thank you sister-in-law for taking me out to play... Is it so hard to express positively? ”
Unexpectedly, my niece suddenly choked up...
It turns out that the niece has been since childhood, and every time she says that she is so happy, her mother will say that there is nothing to be happy about;
When she said that the food was delicious, Dad would say that he had never seen the world;
Her parents' blow to her language made her suppress herself all the time, obviously in happiness, but she couldn't smell happiness.
Bren Brown once said: Every word parents say to their children shapes their future.
Frequent hearing of negative words may lead to negative thinking patterns and difficulty seeing the positive side of a problem or finding solutions.
Speak well, do not say the opposite, express positively, and give positive feedback in order to cultivate a child full of happiness.
The more parents can talk well, the happier the child, and vice versa, the parent who cannot speak, the child is also more likely to be unhappy.
What abolishes children is a constant hint from parents
Dr. Susan Foward, a well-known American psychologist, wrote in "Poisoned Parents":
"Children don't distinguish between facts and jokes, they believe everything their parents say about them and make it their own ideas."
For children, parents are the most trusted and closest people to children, and they will accept their parents' evaluation of them until they are rooted in their hearts.
Someone on Zhihu asked: Do you know how helpless it is to be negatively affected by your parents all the time?
A high praise replied: I understand.
Then she shared her experience:
Just graduated, when she signed her first job, she reported on the first day, she got up early in the morning to clean herself up, looking forward to her first day at work, but her mother said lightly: ugly to death.
Her good mood was shattered in an instant and collapsed in an instant.
In a family that is unhappy, the parents' words are often negative, frustrated and dissatisfied, which can bring depressed and dull feelings to the child.
Just like some time ago, in a short video: a little boy cried that he scored 99 points in the test, which was more than his usual results, and he was quite happy;
But Mom and Dad had to ask him, where did that point go? Is it that the knowledge points are not mastered enough and are not accurate enough?
Although parents have good intentions and do not want their children to be proud of their small achievements, day after day, it will be difficult for children to recognize their achievements from their hearts.
In such a family environment, children may become negative, depressed, and even lose their enthusiasm for life.
There is a "suggestive effect" in psychology, which says that people will inadvertently receive information from other people, so as to respond to the information.
If parents often say to their children "you can't", "you are stupid", "you are far worse than whom" ...
Subtly, children will only be convinced that they are only focused on shortcomings as their parents say, and in the long run, inferiority will breed in their hearts.
If the child always grows up in the blow and constantly accepts negative cues, the child will have a lot of frustration and lack of self-confidence.
When children are suppressed and denied for a long time, the parents' evaluation criteria will be internalized; Even in adulthood, this habitual negative attitude will invade them from time to time, making them always dissatisfied with their grades.
How parents speak is related to their children's future
There is such a sentence in the CCTV family education documentary "Mirror":
"Every child is born with a blank piece of paper, parents are the ones who paint, what the white paper becomes, the key is how the parents draw the picture."
We often hear parents complain, "Why do children always disobey?" Why not write your homework well? Why is it always so disappointing..."
Even many parents expect to use preaching, scolding, threats, warnings, rewards and other methods to make their children obedient, and the results will only get worse and worse ...
Because, long-term and effective communication starts from the child:
1. Do not suppress and find the child's brilliance
There is an "imposter syndrome" in psychology.
People with this disease, no matter how good they are in the eyes of others, always feel that they are not good enough and do not deserve everything in front of them.
When praised, they feel upset and deliberately belittle their achievements.
Studies have shown that most of these people come from repressive education.
Parents are too strict with their children, and children tend to have perfectionist tendencies; Over time, it is difficult for children to recognize their achievements in their hearts.
Parents should constantly open their eyes and grow their wisdom, discover the shining points in their children anytime and anywhere, often encourage their children, and help them smoothly cross the ditch in their lives.
2. Have boundaries and respect children's privacy
One mother was worried that her daughter was in love, so she often followed her daughter and casually opened her daughter's letters to read them.
When the child protested that it was a personal right to privacy, the mother said:
"How old are you to start having privacy?" Do you know what privacy is? Those dirty things that can't be seen are called privacy! Do you want privacy at a young age? ”
Invisibly, while violating the child, it also pushes the child further.
Chinese parents like to say, "We are all for your good." ”
It is undeniable that parents do give a lot for their children, but why do they always fail to understand, and even raise their children as enemies?
One of the very important reasons is that the sense of boundaries is blurred, and everything has to be mixed.
Parents have boundaries and are the greatest protection for parent-child relationships.
3. Will listen and let the child finish speaking
Ruan Gengmei said: Squat down and listen to the child, and what you will see will be an innocent and flawless world.
Parents should spend a little more time listening to their children with empathy, and guide them to say what they really think and guide them to answer questions by themselves; And pay attention to express your thoughts at the appropriate time;
In this way, parents can guide their children to make viable choices.
For example, you can guide your child like this:
"Is it? Do you think they did the right thing about this? ”
"Baby, I want to know what's going on in your heart!"
"Child, tell mom what you really think, I think I can help you."
……
Introductory language can bring children closer to their parents, making it easier and more willing for children to express their thoughts; So that parents can give better advice.
Parents who don't talk badly can not only help their children develop a positive self-image, but also develop a positive attitude towards life.
Write at the end
British writer Jill Robbins said: "Children's minds and hearts are irreproducible, and they need the generosity and kindness of their parents to protect this unique power." ”
Let's abandon rigid roles and become partners in learning, teachers of listening, and supporters of understanding.
Always remind yourself not to be that unhappy parent, and keep your mouth shut in order to make the family and children have the greatest happiness and joy.
About author: Qingyun, a columnist of Fushu, inspires himself with words, and at the same time warms the people around him, Article: Parents read carefully, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, it shall not be reproduced, and infringement will be investigated
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