After holding back and feeling distressed, I really have the confidence to say: Children should do this when they are bullied

 What to do if your child has a social conflict? Should parents step in? Where is the degree of involvement? Social problems may seem simple, but few people can handle them perfectly. However, smart parents can choose a way that makes both parties comfortable and scientifically solve small social frictions based on their children and their own personalities.

This article is authorized to be transferred from the public account "Big J Small D" (ID: jiayoubaobao2015) 

Text丨Big J ed.丨May

After the summer vacation, our community is lively, and every morning, the central square and children's playground of the community are already full of people.

Unknown children were soon able to play together, and the adults sat in groups of three or five in the shade and chatted. But such a harmonious scene, from time to time, will be broken because of the child's crying complaint, really in response to the saying "where there are people, there are rivers and lakes".

Social conflicts between children are inevitable, this truth is understood, but really their own children encounter, really not every parent knows how to deal with it.

When Little D was a child, I also wrote about social conflicts, and at that time I was used to "specific analysis of specific problems", and it was inevitable that I would feel a little "trapped in it".

Looking back now, I can de-simplify and leave some clearer and clearer ideas to share with you.

Style classification for parents and children

I believe everyone has seen a lot of ways to deal with social conflicts, but there must be such a problem, the method you said is right, but I just can't do it. I also took the child to do this method you taught, but the child did not dare.

Over the years, I have a core point of view, putting aside my own and children's style, simply talking about methodology, that is, "playing hooligans".

Therefore, before I share how to deal with social conflicts, I feel that it is more important to look at what the style of myself and my children is.

I probably made this classification:

(1) The vertical axis is divided into radical and moderate according to the degree of tolerance of the parties to the conflict.

For example: some parents (children themselves) think that their children are making trouble, even if there is a small scratch; But some parents (the children themselves) think that it is a big deal to be touched even lightly, which is the difference between "radical" and "moderate".

(2) The horizontal axis is the preference for the interaction between the parties and people, and some people are not afraid to deal with strangers and communicate with each other to reason; And some people, even if they are reasonable, are particularly afraid to communicate with others, which is the difference between "preference" and "avoidance".

I've named these four quadrants again, let's talk about the performance in different types of situations:

Type representation

Self-assertion: When encountering social conflicts, they will communicate/complain, focusing on a "definitely not at a loss".

Magnanimous: Most of the time it doesn't matter, and I don't feel hurt.

Internal attrition: especially angry, but not stretched, and the matter can not be turned over after the matter, basically will be angry with close family members.

Swinger: It didn't matter, but I fell into self-doubt because I heard the outside world's comments "Why don't you shoot back/Why are you so honest".

From such a classification, everyone can understand why the same social conflict, children behave differently, parents behave differently, the key is that each of us has a different style.

This is also why, when talking about how to deal with "others", it is especially crucial for us to understand ourselves and our children first.

For example, if the child is generous and the parent is the self-assertion, then it is prone to "excessive intervention". Parents themselves can't see their children being bullied at any point, and it is easy to label their children: timid/afraid of things/not social.

And if the child is an internal attrition, and the parents are generous, there will be parents' frustration, feeling that every time they take their children out to play, they are originally happy, why will the child lose his temper with himself after returning home. A large reason is because the child is angry when he socializes outside, but the parents do not capture it at the moment, and the child's emotions are eaten back afterwards.

After understanding my classification logic above, it is not difficult to find that those who really find social conflicts tricky and unmanageable are basically "internal friction people" and "swingers".

So let's talk about these two types of styles (whether it is you or children), how we can deal with social conflicts.

Internal friction people

Internal friction people have a strong sense of the bottom line of social rules, but lack of communication skills, resulting in a lot of discomfort will accumulate in the heart.

If the parent is of this type, but the child acts indifferent (generous) or dares to face it (self-assertion), it is not a big problem. On the contrary, children can also heal their parents, which is also what we often hear, I XXX can't, my son is very powerful, don't care at all/reason by yourself.

The difficulty is that if the child is also the style of the left quadrant, it is easy to have internal friction in the parent-child relationship, and parents and children need to improve their communication skills.

The essence of our social conflict resolution is not to "win or lose", but to try to let ourselves learn to express our discomfort.

Let's take an example of a specific scene: the child is accidentally beaten in the playground, and the parents of the internal attrition person will basically be particularly angry, and because their social communication skills are not good enough, they will basically spread their anger on their children: Why don't you fight back? You go and talk to him and let him say sorry to you.

And the child can't actually do it, at this time it is not difficult for you to think that the child who was originally beaten lacks a sense of inner strength, and such "encouragement/guidance" from parents brings about the weakening of the sense of secondary strength.

The best thing to do is to set the record straight -- support -- follow up.

1. Clarify the facts: don't rush to get on the fire first, first guide the child to say what happened at that time (improve communication skills);

2. Give support: firmly state your position, your mother supports you, it is not right for him to hit people (let the child have a reassurance in his heart first);

3. Follow up to the end: Come, let's find each other together and get them to apologize (improve social skills together).

I know that many people will say when they see this, it's useless, some bear children who beat people are bear parents behind them, I take the children to communicate, they don't apologize at all, and to put it mildly, it's normal for children to fight between them.

Yes, this is objective, but we need to know that our main goal in doing this is not really for the "sorry", but to improve their social skills, can give themselves/children an explanation, I did it, I expressed my needs, then I can not have internal consumption.

The real torture of internal attrition is never what happens at the moment, and there is no explanation for this incident, so they repeatedly torture themselves in their hearts.

Even if others do not apologize, the process we do with our children is actually healing in itself.

For the child, he always knows that his parents will support him unconditionally; For myself, I understand that it is someone else's fault, and I will not constantly punish myself with other people's fault.

Learning to turn the page, and knowing that in everything, I also improved myself, which is the best way for internal friction people to deal with social conflicts.

Swinger

Swingers are essentially quiet socialites who are generous and don't communicate much. But this type of parents, under the group evaluation system, is prone to self-doubt.

If the child is radical and does not give in to any social conflict (the top half of the quadrant), this type of parent is prone to appear: Why is my child so generous, why do you have to fight for everything?

If there are also some external evaluations: you are used to it, love and freedom are given too much, the swinger's parents are more likely to be questioned.

At this time, the best way to deal with it is to learn to "allow", allow everything to happen, and understand from the bottom of your heart that everyone's style is different, even my own child.

Then in the face of the child's complaint, what we can do is: listen - share - support.

1. Listen to your child's thoughts: Wow, she cares so much, this is different from me - help us better understand the difference between people and people;

2. Share your thoughts: the mother actually feels that the other party is not intentional, if I am you, I feel that it is nothing - but also provide children with different perspectives;

3. Support, but no matter what you decide to do (as long as it makes sense), mom supports you.

Respecting each individual's self-choice and trusting the child's own strength is an important point for swinger parents.

Conversely, what if the child is also mild (lower half of the quadrant)?

For another example, playing slide is cut in line, for swingers/generous parents and children, they don't actually care, cut in line and cut in line, and they can always play by themselves.

Originally, this matter turned over, but the complexity of social interaction is reflected at this time. There will be other children there to argue with reason, or the elderly in the family evaluate their children.

Swingers will have question marks, they all care, why don't I care? Is it my problem with the baby? Is it my own problem?

This is the situation that swingers often face social conflicts, and many people will come to the message to ask what to do, many times it is not that they do not have a method, but their method is different from most people, they are not sure.

Whether you are like this yourself or your children, when facing social conflicts, the first thing you must ask is, how do you feel?

It's especially important to try to express your feelings or your child's feelings in the first place, when the swinger will find that I really don't care.

This certainty of facing the heart is the firm inner cornerstone of the swinger.

Since I don't care, my children don't care, then even if everyone else cares, it has nothing to do with us.

Write at the end

I know that this article must be unflattering, and everyone is more willing to read articles that solve various social problems than such "brains".

But it is precisely after writing so many articles, and reading hundreds of thousands of messages from everyone, I will find that parents or children who know these methods will themselves, and will not read more methods.

We have never faced a key point of parenting, people are ever-changing and diverse, so the essence of all parenting is not methodology, but relationology, understanding oneself, understanding children.

I hope that today's article can give you a new perspective on social issues.

Discover quality education