01. Some children obviously win at the starting line, why is there enough stamina?
"Can't let children lose at the starting line" is the obsession of many parents. From the time the child goes to kindergarten, further education and school selection are the top priority in the eyes of parents, and parents try their best to arrange their children in the best class and the best school, hoping that their children can run faster than their peers.
It is a fact that the educational resources of good classes and good schools are better overall. The intentions of this part of the parents are good. However, if parents do not know the real scientific and intelligent education method behind the choice of school for their children, children may not only fail to become adults, but may also suffer psychological harm and even suffer from mental disorders!
Why do you say that? We have received a large number of adolescent patients in the clinic, and found a phenomenon: some "other people's children" who won at the starting line at the beginning have "insufficient stamina" after entering key junior high schools and high schools.
For example, many adolescent patients are indeed very intelligent when they are young, learn things quickly, coupled with the efforts of their parents to "chicken baby", they have excellent academic performance at the beginning, and they are still serving as class leaders in the class, which makes other parents envious, and is a proper "other people's child".
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But behind the excellence, they have been under great pressure in their hearts, and they have not established a positive and correct concept of learning, and even have not developed good learning methods and habits. When the difficulty of learning knowledge increases and the competition becomes more intense, it may be difficult for these children to stand out.
But parents still keep pressing, and even accuse their children of not working hard. Children themselves also want to become excellent, regain the feeling of being praised by teachers and envied by classmates before, and they themselves will put pressure on themselves.
Under long-term anxiety, children are prone to learning disabilities and emotional problems, and the two form a vicious circle. If the child has not been able to get timely guidance and help, the pressure cannot be reduced, emotional problems will develop into emotional symptoms, and then suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, bipolar disorder and other mental and psychological disorders.
Some children are seriously ill and have to take a break from school at home, and even fail after returning to school several times, and finally drop out of school and get out of the normal growth track. Their parents are very miserable and can't even accept this reality, how can a child who has been so good since childhood become like this now?!
Junchen, a teenager patient we have seen in the clinic, is a typical example. Junchen had very good grades in primary school, developed morally, intellectually, physically, aesthetically and laboriously, and was still a team committee member in the school, and the adults around him praised him as "someone else's child".
But in junior high school, Junchen's learning status declined, resulting in the high school entrance examination did not do well. After high school, Junchen not only continued to be sluggish in his academic state, but also suffered from somatic symptoms such as vomiting and diarrhea, and was subsequently diagnosed with depression.
02. Parents should not focus on the grades at the beginning, but on these points
Parents need to realize that life is a "marathon", not a 100-meter dash. We must have time thinking and look at the issue of children's further education and school choice from the height of a lifetime.
First, the biggest concern of parents is not to let their children run faster than their peers at the beginning, but to recharge their strength, store enough strength, and adjust the scientific way of "running" to prepare for the continuous running and final sprint later.
For example, it is very important that parents provide high-quality companionship for their children during their young years. While this is not directly related to a child's academic performance, it can make it more likely that a child will remain mentally and physically healthy. Children who are healthier physically and mentally tend to run more steadily and farther.
Another example is that if a worker wants to do a good job, he must first sharpen his tools. In the lower grades of primary school, parents should not always focus on the scores, but should pay more attention to cultivating children's interest in learning, guiding children to master scientific learning methods, and shaping a state of efficient learning.
If the child's learning method is good, he likes to learn, and he knows how to learn efficiently, do you still have to worry that the child will not become an adult in the future?
Second, behind the "children of other people", they need a "parent of other people's family" in order to go more steadily and further.
Parents require their children to work hard and be motivated, but if parents themselves are lazy, undisciplined, and do not know how to improve themselves, when their children encounter difficulties and setbacks on the road of life in the future, parents will not be able to guide their children, let alone guide their children.
Therefore, if parents want to "chicken baby", they must "chicken themselves", continue to learn, improve, improve cognitive level, and strive to become the ideal parents in the minds of their children.
Third, parents should not blindly compare their children with other children, but also guide children to calm down, do not blindly compare with others, if they must compare, they must learn to "compare" correctly.
Many parents compare their children with other children, the starting point is good, is to hope that children can learn the advantages of others, catch up with others, so as to become better themselves. But when the child's self-confidence has not really been established, such a comparison can easily do more harm than good. Children do not understand the motivation of their parents, but feel that their parents are demeaning themselves and blaming themselves.
They feel that their parents always say that they are worthless, and that they are really inferior to others in some ways. In the long run, they are prone to fall into inferiority and self-blame, habitually deny themselves, and attribute setbacks internally, thinking that they are indeed too stupid and useless. This mental and psychological state can easily lead to depression.
Our mother loved to compare Yaoyao with "other people's children", always saying that Yaoyao was inferior to others and urging her to learn from others.
Over time, Yaoyao both felt aggrieved and gradually lost her self-confidence, thinking that she was always imitating others and had no personality. In order to meet her mother's expectations, Yaoyao has a large amount of negative emotions in her heart, and often cries when she is alone at night to release pressure. In fact, Yaoyao suffered from the menacing "smile depression".
Some parents may say that when we compare our children with other children, we generally praise their merits and say that they do better than others, which is to improve their self-confidence and motivation to move forward.
It's not for nothing, children who are always praised are indeed more likely to perform better and better. But there are also hidden dangers. If children are often overly praised, it is easy to think too much of themselves, think that they must maintain a good image, and deliberately pursue external praise.
On the one hand, this may lead to self-pressure on the child, unable to face temporary backwardness and failure; On the other hand, they are prone to pathological positive emotional experiences, induce manic/hypomanic episodes, and suffer from bipolar disorder.
Some children themselves can't help but compare themselves with their classmates, especially excellent children. They are often praised for their top grades from an early age, and their academic performance is an important source of self-confidence.
But as they go up, there are more and more excellent classmates around them, and it is more difficult for them to continue to get excellent results.
They will unconsciously compare themselves with the students with good grades in the class, and even regard them as "imaginary enemies", trying their best to surpass them, and constantly exerting pressure on themselves.
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It is likely that this part of the child has an unbalanced mentality and learns not to achieve their own goals, but to excel others. What's more, many children don't have active, clear learning goals, they just bury their heads in hard work.
Even with the continuous efforts of his children, he was admitted to a good university and surpassed most of his classmates. But after arriving at university, they did not have a clear goal to strive for, and found it more difficult for their classmates around them to surpass. It is easy for them to find the meaning of life, fall into confusion, and have the so-called "hollow heart disease".
Therefore, whether the child is an excellent category or a relatively less excellent category, it is best for parents not to compare their children with others, but to compare themselves with themselves, notice their own progress, notice what efforts are behind their progress, what methods are used, and learn to affirm themselves.
For excellent children, parents can recognize their learning process, but also guide them to persevere in their efforts, constantly reflect on themselves, self-improvement, and be prepared for the ups and downs ahead.
For children with less than ideal grades, parents should analyze the causes and problems with their children, solve them one by one, and achieve improvement, and in the process, make children realize that temporary backwardness and setbacks are not terrible.
If children can't help but compare with others, parents should guide their children to have time thinking, we should "compare one lifetime, not one moment". Even if we are temporarily behind for now, as long as we keep trying, it is still possible to overtake in corners in the future.
03. In the promotion of education and school choice, we must listen to the child's heart
Fourth, on the issue of further education and school choice, parents can properly respect their children's wishes and let their children learn to make their own decisions.
Parents should not always think about arranging their children's lives, children are living people, they also have their own ideas. Even sometimes, children know more than their parents and think more rationally.
Parents can listen to their children's inner voice, which school do they want to go to? Why?
If the child's choice is not too obvious, even if there are some problems, the parents have the ability to "go to the bottom", then you may wish to obey the child's wishes. And even if a child chooses not the best school in their parents' minds, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Because the school is chosen by the child himself, he is more likely to like his chosen classmates and teachers, and may be more motivated and interested in learning, and better at absorbing knowledge. Otherwise, if the child chooses another school under pressure from his parents, the child is depressed and will likely blame his parents for setbacks, difficulties, or even bullying at school in the future.
But if the child's choice is obviously irrational, parents can analyze the pros and cons behind it for the child. If possible, parents can also take their children to alternative school field trips, so that children can have a more intuitive feeling and try to make more rational and suitable decisions.
No matter how the child chooses, parents must make the child aware that they must learn to take responsibility for their own choices and be mentally prepared to deal with the difficulties they may encounter later. Even if the follow-up does encounter difficulties, the child must learn to deal with it correctly, and this also helps to cultivate the child's adverse quotient (AQ).
Fifth, there are also many parents with better financial ability who want to send their children to aristocratic schools, international schools, etc., and even think that as long as they send their children in, it is logical for their children to study abroad and return from school.
Actually, it's not that simple. It can even be said that if you want your child to take this educational route, parents should pay attention to a lot of things, and even be prepared to deal with the possibility of some psychological and behavioral problems in their children.
In this regard, we will also publish videos and articles for detailed analysis in the future.
In short, if you want children to become adults, you must do at least the following 3 points:
Parents should give their children high-quality companionship, cultivate a close parent-child relationship, and guide their children to grow up mentally and healthily;
Parents should master the knowledge of learning disabilities, know how to shape the state of efficient learning for their children, and even cultivate interdisciplinary thinking in their children;
Parents should guide their children to cultivate a high adverse quotient (AQ) that is becoming more and more courageous, learn to find their shortcomings in setbacks, and constantly improve in order to achieve a spiral.
I hope that parents who see this article will stop being anxious about their children's further education and school choice, and must master the real laws behind adult success in order to help their children "win at the end".