Raised a mom boy, is it because the mother is too strong? How many people have been misled by this long-standing misunderstanding

If you want a boy to grow up healthy and become an independent and responsible man, in addition to his mother's intimate care, calm and calm, he must also have his father always accompany and lead with his heart.

Author | Potato Mom

Psychological counseling expert Qian Shuyun shared such a case:

A boy who graduated from college was diagnosed with schizophrenia by the hospital because of his long-term lack of self-confidence, emotional instability, and reluctance to enter public places to interact with people.

The parents worked hard to seek medical treatment, spending 200,000 yuan before and after, but there was still no improvement.

When he arrived at Qian Shuyun, he asked the boy's parents:

"After spending so much money and finding so many people to see it, do you know why the child has come to this point?"

But the parents were still confused and unaware of their problems.

In fact, the boy's mother is a particularly anxious person, she not only overdoes her son in life, but also mentally extremely child-loving, trying to control her son.

Over time, the boy loses his ability to stand on his own.

Although he was 23 years old when he graduated, his measured mental age was only 13 years old.

Even now, the boy still can't take care of himself, and he never dares to have any disputes with his mother, even for such a small matter as buying clothes, he has to listen to his parents, and will not resist anything.

It is often said that behind every mom boy, there is a strong mom. But is it really just mom's fault?

In this boy's family, the father is always absent.

The relationship between the wife and the mother-in-law is not harmonious, and the husband turns a deaf ear, resulting in frequent disputes in the family;

The husband also leaves all the problems of the son, so that the wife is often alone;

The husband can not count on anything, and the wife can only put her emotional sustenance on her son.

As Qian Shuyun said, behind the problem child is the parent's husband and wife relationship problem.

This mother's anxiety, strength, and control are actually rooted in the disappointment of her husband who is absent from the family and the absence of children.

Behind the mother's strength

It is the irresponsibility and inaction of the father

Some time ago, Wang Xiaofei was ridiculed by the group for "crazy literature".

He is irritable, impulsive, emotional, cursing, drunk, crazy at every turn, a 41-year-old man, but what he does is extremely naïve.

Every time he broke into trouble, he waited for his mother Zhang Lan to help him clean up the mess behind his back.

Many people are saying that it is Zhang Lan's strength and arrangement that has led to Wang Xiaofei's cowardice and incompetence, but few people mention Wang Xiaofei's father.

When he was in third grade, his parents divorced, and since then his father has been like an "invisible man". Wang Xiaofei herself once said that she always felt that something was missing in her childhood.

In fact, the cultivation of a mom boy is not only as simple as having a strong mother, but also has a father to bear a lot of responsibility.

Behind the "strong mother's incompetence" is the irresponsibility and inaction of the father.

I once saw the story of a netizen on Zhihu.

His mother treats him very well, takes care of everything in his daily life, and puts all his thoughts on his study and life.

At the same time, he is very controlling, always strong and domineering, and does not let him decide anything.

From childhood to adulthood, my mother would always talk about "I'm not all for you", and as long as he didn't do well or made a mistake, my mother would cry.

Growing up in this atmosphere, he has no bit of manhood, can't make friends, is afraid of rejection, wants to escape but does not dare, wants to be independent but is used to dependence.

He always felt that there were many things in his heart that were suppressed and did not dare to grow.

He always thought that his father was the one who paid the most for this family, and his mother was all to blame for these shortcomings. Later, when he was older, he realized that his mother was actually the most pitiful.

It turned out that his parents had a bad relationship after marriage, and they quarreled at every turn. When he was two years old, his father simply went out to work, leaving his mother to rely on him for his life.

After Dad left, he rarely even called home, and he didn't care about things inside and outside the house.

The triviality of the family and the helplessness of parenting forced my mother to become a strong woman.

Writer Liu Na once said:

"Why is the female humiliation of 'one mother, ruining a home' debatable, because its biggest problem is that it takes it for granted to ignore the extremely important and non-negligible role of fathers in tutoring."

When there is a problem in the relationship between husband and wife, the mother cannot be nourished in the intimate relationship; When the father's role is absent, the mother is left with no one to rely on.

They can only pin all their emotions and expectations on their nearest son.

Behind the boy becoming a mom boy, it is often the mother who carries all the burdens of the family alone.

The absence of the father prevented the boy from moving towards independence

According to a survey, 80% of fathers on the mainland do not have time to spend time with their children, and 70% of fathers are absent from the family for a long time.

If the father is absent, it will delay the psychological weaning of the boy and make him accustomed to leaning into his mother's arms.

In the community, I once saw a little boy, and every time he came out, his mother took him.

He doesn't like contact with people, and every time he cowers and hides behind his mother, afraid to play with children boldly.

The mother said that the boy's father only cares about earning money and basically does not reach out for family affairs.

Her son has been inseparable from her since he was a child, and even when he reached the age of kindergarten, he still stuck to her and refused to go to school.

Psychologists once pointed out:

"Mother's love makes us obsessed, but excessive mother's love will make a boy grow up, making him stay in the state of a little boy forever."

The role of the father is to help the boy and mother to separate and develop a more independent and sound personality.

From the father, the boy will observe and imitate how to be a "man", and at the same time will think about what independence and bravery are, which the mother simply cannot replace.

In the movie "Perfect World", 8-year-old boy Philip grew up in a single-parent family, with only his mother and sister, and his mother bound him with various rules.

This caused Philip to be extremely timid and cowardly, and he was ridiculed and bullied and did not dare to fight back.

When he meets Butch, a fatherly man, everything slowly begins to change.

When he was in the wild, he couldn't hold back his desire to pee and didn't know what to do, and Butch told him that "this is the wilderness, just go under the tree and pee."

He fancy a piece of clothing, but is embarrassed to change it, because people used to laugh at him for "too small a cock", and Butch told him that "it's not too young at your age".

In the past, Philip only promised, and this did not dare to do that, and he had not even played a slightly exciting game, and he had no ideas of his own at all.

Following Butch, he learned to play games, learn to take risks, step by step into the world of men, began to become brave and tenacious, and had "masculinity".

Education expert Sun Yunxiao once said:

"Children brought up by mothers are delicate and gentle, while children raised by fathers are more independent and brave, and fathers are the bridge between boys and 'manhood'."

The father's unique adventurous spirit and courageous majesty will give the boy a different kind of support.

The responsibility, power and independence symbolized by the father will help the boy slowly get rid of the embrace and attachment of his mother, boldly explore the world, and grow into a truly independent man.

As the famous German philosopher Hellinger said, a boy has no power if he cannot get close to his father.

Those boys who are inferior and timid, cowardly and unassertive, and have no ability to discern, think, make decisions and resist setbacks are often behind the character shortcomings brought about by the absence of their fathers.

I don't want to raise my son as a "mommy boy"

Dad has to work harder

There is such a story in "Raising Boys":

There was a little boy who had been weak and sick since he was a child, but he could not find the cause of the disease.

Once, the boy's father happened to return from abroad, and as soon as the father returned, the boy's condition improved.

But after his father left, the boy began to get sick again.

The doctor advised the boy's father to try a different lifestyle, because the father was on the go all year round and rarely had the opportunity to spend time with his son.

So the father returned to the boy, and the boy's illness slowly improved.

The BBC documentary The Biological Meaning of Fatherhood mentions:

"The absence of fathers incompletes the family environment in which children live, and the absence of fatherhood can lead to deficits in their psychological development."

Fathers are crucial to the development of a boy's personality and psychology.

Zhang Huang, a national second-level psychological counselor, once talked about the current situation of family education in China: missing fathers, strong mothers, raising sick children.

The absence of the father's function will cause a series of problems.

"The Importance of Fatherhood in the Healthy Development of Children" clearly defines 7 "effective fathering functions", but many fathers ignore them:

First, cultivate a positive relationship with the child's mother;

Second, spend time with your children;

Third, parenting;

Fourth, discipline children appropriately;

Fifth, guide the child to the world outside the (family);

Sixth, protection and provision;

Seventh, be a model for your child.

The father is the mother's emotional stability and peace of mind, and the source of strength for the boy to transform into a "man".

The father knows how to return to his place, and the mother naturally will not be strong because of anxiety and controlled by helplessness;

If the father is responsible with his heart, the son will not be overly attached to his mother and become a cowardly and incompetent "mom bao".

Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said a passage that I agree with:

There is no prescription for the growth of children, some are just responsible parents, providing stable and healthy soil.

In this soil, there is the gentleness and calmness of the mother, and the company and guidance of the father.

A good education should not be the only work on by the mother.

Because many times, the father is the heart of the problem.

Encourage all parents.