Cultivate the most interesting and practical psychology every day
Regarding marriage, Mo Yan once said: love will disappear, low-level men continue to incense, middle-level men find helpers, high-level men challenge friends, scumbags and other poverty alleviation, marriage is a transaction, you don't have to make love look like...
Seeing this passage, many people inevitably think that Mo Yan is too pessimistic, in fact, in addition to the love of parents in this world, the interaction between people is always oriented to value exchange, from your time companionship to friends, to a marriage match, when you are incapable, the cost of time is your value, when your ability is getting stronger, personality thinking will become your value.
Marriage is a door-to-door pair, is the comparison of comprehensive values, comprehensive value is too far apart people are difficult to come together, even if the true love will experience more, just like the TV series in the male and female protagonists will also have a tragic ending.
Some people think that Mo Yan himself does not believe in love, and seeing that there is such a sentence written on Zhihu, it must exist, but it may not always exist, nor may it only exist in a certain person, let alone exist only in marriage. In other words, it's just that we need a marriage at that age, and true love doesn't necessarily happen at that age.
Rather than believing in love, it is better to say that there is no such thing as perfect love, psychologist Stenberg, divides love into three elements, namely
Intimate
Passion
Promise
The combination of three elements of intimacy + passion + commitment belongs to perfect love, that is, from acquaintance and love to final marriage.
Most people experience the first kind: intimacy + passion, people who have loved passionately have not fulfilled their promises, and finally have not walked together, and at a certain age, marriage is needed, and intimate + committed partner love is needed.
Therefore, marriage has not promised to have passion - no passion is the norm of marriage, feelings can actually be cultivated, Teacher Chen Haixian said: The vast majority of people's marriage, if it can become a partner love, is already very happy.
Looking for a quality man is actually a science, first of all, the high-level man must be looking for a woman with a brain, either ice and snow smart, or emotional intelligence eloquence, in the career can help him, a simple-minded girl even if she looks beautiful will not be chosen.
High-level men are generally extremely rational people, like some top local tycoons marry ordinary-looking wives, but the inner charm of these women is far better than appearance, and the choice of high-level men is definitely 1+1 greater than 2.
Beauty is only a consumable for them, and it is easy to depreciate over time, while inner charm is a value-added product, helping men go further and constantly appreciating, such women are men's comrades in arms on the battlefield of life.
In fact, in the eyes of our ordinary people, most of the rich people actually only belong to middle-class men, this kind of man will still choose a beautiful woman, but if this girl is just beautiful as a flower, the family is superior, there is no brain to help the man, then they can only rely on gentleness and thoughtfulness and housekeeping, the home is only a rule, let the husband come back with three dishes and a soup, the husband is outside, she is inside, this is also a kind of value equality, so some of the scenery when Mrs. Kuo goes out does not represent her true appearance, And this kind of woman is a helper or thug in a man's life
I don't know if you have often seen such news in the past two years, many women have been killed by male domestic violence, and such incidents have a common feature: women are diligent in running the family, excellent and independent, and the men's conditions are generally not stable.
If the woman is better than him, she will be said to eat soft rice, causing inferiority and psychological pressure, and then vent to the wife, the purpose of such men to marry is only based on physical needs, when their second level of security needs are not met, that is, the need for security, order, stability and freedom from fear, threat and pain.
They will try to eliminate this fear and pain of inferiority by beating women, for example. In the case of domestic violence against men, marriages in which women are capable or "strong women" and the husband is more nestled are actually prone to accidents, which once again confirms the importance of equal value.
The lowest type of man is the scumbag, the domestic violence man only involves two people, and the scumbag is to find a way to hollow out the woman to meet the interests related to it.
First of all, let's define this kind of scumbag: we call men with bad character and no sense of responsibility collectively called scumbags, and their loss of responsibility is not only reflected in marriage, but also in all aspects of the world, and bad character refers to the lack of moral literacy.
There is a saying that scumbags should help the poor, help the mother's family, help the distant house, help relatives, help friends, help the three children, and so on.
For example, the first kind of support for the mother's family, listen to a case to know, Xiao Zhao and Xiao Wen just got married, both sides of the salary is not much, Xiao Zhao has a sister from childhood is very distressed about her, the sister wants apple x, Xiao Zhao two words do not say, spend all the salary to the sister to buy, completely disregard the wife's feelings, the wife's interference finally only changed a sentence "My money I want to spend how I want to spend, and what does it have to do with you?" ”
This is the typical sister-in-law demon, in fact, no matter which one, in the final analysis, the man does not love the woman at all, in the eyes of the man, other social relationships are far better than the relationship between husband and wife, so they will continue to squeeze the wife.
Understand that marriage is essentially a transaction. In today's marriage market, women are marked with a price tag for men, many men are also marked with value standards for women, appearance, economic conditions, personality these are hard values, soft value is the other party you like the point is called defect value, these combinations, together constitute a comprehensive value.
In fact, these things are not the manifestation of snobbery, because only when a person grasps the law of life and still chooses to insist after recognizing reality, can he have the opportunity to know what true happiness is.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205