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Why do children become different from before when they reach the first and second grades of junior high school and the age of thirteen or fourteen? The former well-behaved boy and well-behaved girl seem to have changed into a person who likes to work against his parents, with a strange temper and mysterious personality? ”
The reason is simple: as children grow up, they begin to look for their own independent selves and do things according to their own ideas. In psychology, this period of growth of the child is called the "rebellious period".
In the child's rebellious period, many "parent-child relationships" that seemed good in the past seemed to have gone wrong all of a sudden. In order to change their children, parents go from criticism, reprimand, and quarrel to helplessness and anxiety. In fact, the right approach should be: parents should start by changing themselves and re-establish a positive parent-child relationship.
To establish a positive parent-child relationship, parents should first make it clear that the purpose of education is to cultivate the child into a real person, not an object that satisfies the vanity of the parents, or a copy of the will of the parents;
Second, we must understand that the only way to cultivate is to trigger the child's own growth ability, so that he consciously grows on his own, rather than letting him grow for the sake of his parents or something else.
In the establishment of parent-child relationship, there are "three high-voltage lines" and "two traps" that parents should pay special attention to. The "three high-pressure lines" are ignoring the child's existence, destructive criticism and compulsion, which can greatly damage the child's self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of independence, and destroy the parent-child relationship. The "two traps" are "conditional love" and "the mentality of not being able to afford to lose."
Never use material rewards to motivate the child to do something, this is a transaction rather than love, in this condition, no matter what you do, the child will not feel your love, he will not appreciate you, he thinks it is a conditional exchange. Survey data shows that 23% of parents still have this mentality, they believe that if their children's material needs are met, their children should study well.
An obvious manifestation of the "can't afford to lose mentality" is not trusting the child, wanting to know everything about the child, and even wanting to monitor the child at all times and know his (her) every move, which will make the child very disgusted and destroy the trust and relationship between you. Statistics from the field questionnaire show that nearly half of parents say they want to know anything about their children, suggesting that at least nearly half of parents may fall into the trap of "can't afford to lose mentality."
"Eight Tools" to help you build a positive parent-child relationship
The purpose of education is to train children to become real people, specifically, to cultivate the child's six personalities: self-esteem, self-confidence, responsibility, enterprising spirit, learning interest and good habits. Mi Renhai said: "Among them, if the child has the first three personalities, he will certainly not have problems and will grow up healthily, and if he still has the personality behind, he can become an excellent person." ”
In order to cultivate the six personalities of children, a positive parent-child relationship is crucial, how to establish a positive parent-child relationship? Mi Renhai introduced the "eight tools": love, praise, encouragement, confirmation, understanding, companionship, rule-making and criticism. "As long as parents can use these tools well, they can establish a good parent-child relationship."
Every parent will say that they love their children, but can children feel your love? "Do a good job of listening, speaking, seeing, and doing these four aspects, and use the tool of 'love' well, so that children can feel love." Li Renhai said, "Listen to the child as if you were listening to the leader; if you have something to say, you should say it directly to the child, never say anything that hurts the child's self-esteem, and don't teach the child in front of you; you must look at the child with love and do not stare at the child's report card; and do things for the child to be moderate and appropriate, not too much and too little." ”
Praise is a good tool for children to build self-esteem and self-confidence, but nearly one-third of parents believe that praise will make children proud, "as long as the praise is appropriate, it can play a good positive role, including praising the child's strengths and immediate praise, the specific steps are: state the facts, confirm the reasons for praise, express happy mood and hope that he (she) continue to maintain the desire, and finally have physical contact, such as hugging the child, patting the shoulder and pulling up the child's hand and so on." ”
Whether it is when the child fails or succeeds, parents should encourage the child more, give the child the courage to start again and the confidence to continue to work hard. If parents want their children to do something or have any qualities, then when they find that their children have done this once, parents must say it out loud to confirm, which will make the child remember it deeply, and after a few times, the child will form a good habit. Parents should communicate more easily with their children, understand their children's ideas and the reasons for doing something, and truly understand their children.
Parents should stay with their children as much as possible, and only together can parents know what their children say, do, and do, and can communicate with them so that they can know and trust each other more. When formulating rules, you must consult with your child, and only the rules that the child himself agrees to can he abide by and be useful. When you criticize your child after you find out that you have made a mistake, you should discuss the facts, state the facts and point out the consequences, pay attention to protecting the child's self-esteem, and express positive hope.
Just staring at transcripts can ruin parent-child relationships
Parents should not just stare at their children's report cards. "If you only stare at the report card, you will ignore the child's learning status and psychological growth, which is very detrimental to the child's growth and will also destroy the parent-child relationship between you and the child." From the survey data, more than one-third of the parents said that their emotions followed their children's achievements.
"I often hear many parents complain, 'My child is not good at math', 'He can't speak English', etc., which is why parents are 'characterizing' their children by staring at the grades."
Experts said: "This kind of characterization will form a negative psychological implication for children, that is, 'I can't learn mathematics well', 'I have no language talent, I can't learn English', which will limit the child's progress." "She believes that parents should encourage their children from the positive side and see that children have more room and potential for progress in subjects that are not well learned for the time being." My child used to be partial to subjects, the liberal arts grades were not very good, the composition was still off-topic, but I never said that he was not good at Language, I always told him, 'Your Language has a lot of potential'. Later, with the encouragement and help of the teacher, his composition was no longer off topic, and he also scored a good score in the middle school examination. ”
Once a child has some kind of interest that has nothing to do with "grade improvement", most parents' first reaction is to immediately ban it, "this practice may push the child to your opposite," Xie Suwei said, "interest is the best teacher, it prompts the child to study on his own, parents should respect the child's interest and give the right guidance." For example, if a child likes to read and loves to read miscellaneous books, parents should protect his reading interest, especially in the winter and summer vacations, to support and encourage children to read more books. ”
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