▼ Click "Little Bee Physical and Mental Growth" below to pay attention to the public account
Are we really helping children find themselves? What kind of guidance is positive and effective? This is something that every parent and teacher should think about.
At the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics, after Gu Ailing won the gold in one fell swoop, she not only became a hot sports star in the country, but also made her a "child of others" in the eyes of tens of millions of parents.
For a time, many educational articles were analyzing how Gu Ailing became a talent, and parents also took Gu Ailing as an example to encourage their children to study hard.
(Image source: Internet)
Recently, Gu Ailing also shared his views in an interview.
(Image source: Internet)
Gu Ailing replied: "I don't want many children around the world to become @Frog Princess Ailing." Don't you think it shouldn't be copied so simply? I've been saying that everyone has to have their own choices, and so do children. They can find their own direction, everyone is unique, believe this"
If you say who is the biggest "enemy" of Chinese children? It must have been someone else's child.
(Image source: Internet)
I don't know when it began, the comparative education of Chinese parents has unconsciously obliterated the right of children to choose.
As everyone knows, every child is unique, they have their own direction, and they have the right to become a better version of themselves.
01
The meaning of education is to make children better selves
When many parents are asked if they would like to let their children be themselves, they will answer without hesitation: Yes! But they didn't actually do it.
"Do parents allow children to have their own will? Can they choose their preferred career? Wouldn't you interfere as an engineer or a service? ”
"Do parents allow children to have their own sexual orientation? Can they be heterosexual or gay?"
"Parents allow the child to have his own emotions, can he recognize his own emotions?"
(Image source: Internet)
More and more children often feel that "self" seems to be far away when talking about themselves, as if they are not the people they know.
Psychologists have found that the root cause of the child's loss is that the child is often not allowed to be himself in the process of growing up.
(Image source: Internet)
Taking Qingbei students as an example, most of the chicken baby parents may not know the following set of data.
Among the new middle school students in the first year of Peking University, 30.4% of students hate learning or think that learning is meaningless, and 40.4% of students think that living and life have no meaning.
Most students feel that their lives are just living according to their parents' logic, and some have the idea of giving up on themselves.
(Image source: Internet)
At first glance, such an excellent group of young people, there is no obvious trauma in the process of growing up, life is good, personal conditions are superior, but they feel empty inside, can not find what they really want, and even lost themselves.
What is the reason behind this? It is the child who has not been able to become his own self according to his own wishes since he was a child.
(Image source: Internet)
Most parents show great respect for their children, but when the child says their choice, the parents will frown and ask, "Do you really want to do this?" Have you figured it out? ”
This also makes more and more children suffer from "hollow heart disease", that is, the "psychological disorder of value defects" in psychology.
Sick children often show low mood, decreased interest, anhedonia and many other symptoms.
In response to this phenomenon, the well-known parent-child tutor Teacher Li Chongjian mentioned in the TED speech that the essence of education is to let children become themselves, and parents need to help children evoke self-awareness and appreciate themselves.
(Image source: Internet)
If a child whose opinions are not respected from an early age, a child who cannot know himself and become himself, when he grows up, he will not be able to touch his true heart and accept himself from the bottom of his heart.
This also requires parents to reflect on an idea that the child proposes, wants to do a thing, encounters a problem, and what parents should do is to really listen and have a connected interaction with the child.
Only in this way can we gradually guide children, know themselves, and become themselves. And no, as soon as the child sees himself, he feels repulsive.
02
Parents are the best containers for children
Back in Gu Ailing's growth story, when most people only see her excellent results, she said that the family atmosphere is the fundamental driving force that makes her better and better.
(Image source: Internet)
We always say that the nature of the country is easy to change and difficult to move, and the basic psychological characteristics of many original families are very difficult to change.
The British psychoanalyst Bion has such a theory that the essence of relationship is to see who creates anxiety, who accommodates and dissolves anxiety.
(Image source: Internet)
In Bion's theory, good parents need to have the qualities of a container.
What is a container? When the child does things well, the parents give recognition, when the child encounters setbacks, the parents give support, and when the parents have this trait, the parents are like containers for the child.
(Image source: Internet)
Just like Gu Ailing's mother, Gu Yan, graduated from a prestigious school, has a promising career, and is also very good.
In all of Gu Ailing's videos, we don't see a single time when she creates anxiety for her children, but her gentle and powerful traits provide a good container for children's growth.
(Image source: Internet)
At the age of 13, Gu Ailing wanted to participate in an adult ski race, but suddenly had a fever of 40 degrees.
At this moment, Gu Yan did not show too much anxiety, nor did she make decisions for her children like most parents, but asked her children's opinions over and over again, and supported her children's choices and helped them solve problems.
(Image source: Internet)
Gu Yan also shared two of her parenting tips in the interview:
First: Never correct your child's typos and trust their creativity.
Second, praise them less for their cleverness and more praise for their efforts.
It is also Gu Yan who respects the child and lets the child follow his own wishes to become himself in his heart, so that he has the now shining Gu Ailing.
(Image source: Internet)
In contrast, under our society and culture, parents are more like an anxiety maker, and more parents are helping their children make decisions. Respecting your child's choices is the first step to making them a better version of themselves.
Everyone is imperfect, "becoming yourself" is a lesson that children must do in their lives, why should parents become authoritative, rough, dissatisfied, anxious and high expectations in life?
Expand the scale, conform to the child's personality, and accept the child's behavior. While allowing children to become better selves, it is also for parents to become better selves.
(The content of the article is compiled from the Network, some of the data comes from Wu Zhihong's psychology, porridge Zoro If there is a copyright involved, please contact to delete.) ）