A few days ago, I saw a mother asking for help on Zhihu.
Her 19-year-old daughter, who had been suffering from severe depression, wrote her a letter, but the mother did not know how to respond.
I saw her at the beginning of her plea for help, writing this sentence:
My daughter has had good grades since she was a child, very well-behaved and obedient.... I don't even know why she suddenly got this disease....
Yeah, good boy, how did you get depressed? This question may be confusing to many parents.
In our impression, children should be carefree and unsociable, but in reality, more and more children suffer from depression.
People's Daily once published a set of data: the detection rate of depression among adolescents on the mainland is as high as 24.6%.
That is to say: 1 in 4 children has a tendency to be depressed.
And as children get older, the detection rate of depression shows an upward trend.
The 2019-2020 National Mental Health Report shows:
The detection rate of depression in primary school is about 10%, of which the detection rate of severe depression is about 1.9-3.3%;
The detection rate of depression in junior high school is about 30%, and the detection rate of severe depression is 7.6-8.6%;
The detection rate of depression in high school is close to 40%, of which the detection rate of severe depression is 10.9-12.5%.
Depression sounds distant, but it does come closely to all of us.
It exhibits a variety of symptoms, but it is quite hidden and is usually difficult to notice.
Dr. Wang Pengfei of Beijing Anding Hospital summarized the typical symptoms of depression in the early stage:
1, the continuous depression and sadness of emotions seriously affect social functions
2, lose interest in everything, resist socialization
3, memory loss, slow response, inattention
4, there is no obvious reason for long-term insomnia, loss of appetite, weight loss, the body is always tired
If your child has these symptoms for more than 2 weeks, they should go to the hospital for professional treatment.
But depression, exactly?
How can we help our children prevent depression and get out of depression?
The documentary "How We Fight Depression" uses the real experiences of several children to give us a clear answer.
01
People suffering from depression
These symptoms are often present
When you think of the word depression, do you think of words like melancholy and sadness?
Indeed, depressed people have sensitive minds and are prone to sullenness and even sadness and anger because of a small matter.
But in fact, the most typical feature of depression is a loss of interest and a listlessness about anything.
As the film says: the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.
This originally cheerful girl named Zhong Hua, she suffered from depression in her third year of high school, and came out with the help of her parents.
Zhong Hua once described his state this way: The school has a total of 8 classes a day, and I will lie on the desk for 8 classes. When I got home, I lay in bed, sometimes crying, sometimes not crying, and lying down for 5 hours at a time. Take a shower or wash your face and brush your teeth, and then insomnia at night.
Another child named Su Qi, too.
From the county to Beijing, he was diligent, hardworking, and excellent, but after the illness, everything changed.
Su Qi does not like to move, does not like to go out, often sleep is a whole day, so that parents are very headache.
Up to now, I don't do anything every day and play games at home.
However, playing games is only a way for him to pass the time.
He said: Although it is not fun to play games, it is even more boring to do other things.
Because if you don't look for things to divert your attention, the anxiety that comes to his face will overwhelm him.
The essence of depression is a loss of vitality.
It makes the child lose his desire and cannot lift his spirits in anything.
On the one hand, many depressed people still feel that they have done nothing, but they always feel tired.
But in fact, this kind of tiredness is not caused by physical exertion, but due to mental internal friction.
Because of a small matter, depressed patients will also use the most pessimistic attitude to repeatedly interpret and ponder, and torture themselves to exhaustion.
These children are not lazy, not doing, not being pretentious, just sick.
02
The child suffers from depression
Tends to behave more stealthily
After a child suffers from depression, many parents feel particularly "sudden" and have no warning at all.
But in fact, every depressed child will show some signs, but it is easy to be ignored and misunderstood.
Cui Yonghua, director of the Department of Psychiatry and Psychology at Beijing Children's Hospital, said: Compared with adults, adolescents with depression are more withdrawn, angry and bored.
The children are physically and mentally immature, have poor emotional control, and the symptoms that erupt are more intense.
Because of this, many parents will think that their children have entered puberty and are just a bit rebellious.
In the documentary, the little girl Ye, who fell ill at the beginning, is like this.
From the first to the second year of junior high school, for 2 years, she has been sending help signals to her parents in various ways, but her parents have not taken it seriously.
Cornered, she chose some extreme ways to relieve stress.
Zi Ye shared such a thing: Once, the scissors cover was gone, and he couldn't find it, and he suddenly became anxious.
She wanted to calm herself down, so she cut her hand with scissors.
Seeing the blood and feeling the pain, she calmed down.
This is also the most dangerous place for teenagers to develop depression, and they will hurt themselves and even give up their lives because of it.
The day before the start of the third year of junior high school, Zi Ye really couldn't hold on. She went crazy at home, dropping things, throwing tantrums, and threatening her parents to take her to the doctor.
Finally, this time, her parents took her to the hospital and was diagnosed with depression.
In addition to personality changes such as irritability and rebellion, some children's symptoms may also manifest themselves physically.
They will have inexplicable headaches, fevers, stomachaches, go to check the body, but can not find the cause.
These hidden, diverse manifestations of depression are often overlooked by parents.
Suffering from depression, Zi Ye is unfortunate. Fortunately, she knew she was sick and had been actively asking for help.
But not all children in life are aware that they are sick.
This requires our parents to pay enough attention to their children, carefully observe, and capture their help signals.
Otherwise, when the child goes to the extreme, it will be really too late.
03
How can a good child be depressed?
Every time they talk about their children's depression, many parents feel incredible.
"What do children want now, how can they be depressed?"
But in fact, everyone may suffer from depression, it is like being sick, not controlled by the will of the person.
The causes of depression in a child are even more diverse.
It may be the inheritance of congenital genes, or it may be the influence of the acquired environment such as family, school, and society.
Genetics are powerless, but educational concepts and family environment are within our reach.
I would like to share with you the causes of the illness of several children in the documentary to avoid more children's mental illness.
▎Overly expected
Zhong Hua, a senior high school girl mentioned earlier, suffered from depression, which has something to do with her mother's high expectations.
The mother's requirements for her daughter are that the grades are top-notch, and it is best to enter a world-famous school like Harvard.
In order to motivate her daughter, the mother always keeps an eye on the child with better grades, hoping that she will do better on the test.
If Zhong Hua did well in the test, her mother would ask: Who is the first?
But zhong hua took the first place, and her mother would ask: Who is the first in the whole grade? How many are you ranked?
There is nothing wrong with asking the child to improve, but the problem is that Zhong Hua's mother's requirements for the child are "better tests".
This is not a concrete goal, and the child can never do it, and it is difficult to have a sense of accomplishment.
At the same time, her parents are always dissatisfied with herself, and it is difficult for Zhong Hua to gain a sense of value from her parents.
Zhong Hua felt like a donkey, a carrot fell in front of him, desperately running for it.
Intense study, coupled with mental pressure, eventually crushed her.
When we raise children, we will also hope to have the mentality of jackie chan and hoping that the daughter will become a phoenix.
But too high expectations will not make children better, but will make them feel stressed and stagnant.
▎Not understood and respected
In the documentary, there is also a "other person's child" Manmei, which impressed me.
This girl was admitted to college at the age of 15, and she is also good at painting, a very good child.
But at the age of 18, she committed suicide by cutting her wrists in her college dormitory and was diagnosed with major depression.
Why would such a proud woman of heaven choose to give up her life?
Man Mei explained: I have been pushed by external forces.
She loves her parents and family deeply, but she is confused: what they love and what I want to be seems to be different, I like to be different from what others expect, will people still love me?
Man mei's questioning may also be the inner thoughts of many children.
They feel that from childhood to adulthood, they have followed the wishes of their parents and moved forward. But after living for so many years, who am I living for? What is the meaning of my life?
I've heard a saying before: Depressed kids, most of them are particularly kind.
The gradual emergence of self-awareness makes them yearn for freedom and control of life by themselves.
They are also afraid that if they resist, they will hurt their parents and lose each other's love.
These two ideas contradict each other, leaving the child entangled and unable to extricate himself.
In desperation, death seems to be the only way to be liberated.
Perhaps, as Gibran's poem says:
Your children are not actually your children, they are the children born of life's desire for itself.
What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts.
We want to keep our children away from depression, the first thing to do is to hear the child's heart, respect their thoughts and feelings, so that the child feels love and strength, and will become strong inside.
04
When a child suffers from depression
What can we do?
In the documentary, I was deeply impressed by an interview with Zhong Hua's mother.
After Zhong Hua's depression was diagnosed, her father told her about her illness and asked her: Now that Zhong Hua is sick, what do you think?
When she learned that her daughter was sick, her heart was pounding, but she still said calmly: Then take a break from school.
It was as if the child had just been sick and needed to be cultivated.
Later, Zhong Hua said to her: Mom, this sentence saved my life. If you had been like any other parent and said I was being pretentious, I might have jumped out of the window.
How suspenseful, that quarter of a minute, if Mother Hua had not chosen to understand and accept, there would not have been Zhong Hua who was healed today.
To fight depression, in addition to seeking medical treatment, parental acceptance and love are also a very critical part.
Imagine that when a child plucks up enough courage to ask for help, but is said to be pretentious or looked at directly, the pain of not being accepted is undoubtedly worse.
On the contrary, those children who are cared for by their parents, even if they are in a low valley, will find a way to get out.
Because beyond the abyss, they know that there is always someone to guard.
Whether it's getting your child away from depression or getting out of it, the role of parents is crucial.
This also requires us, as parents, to adjust our cognition and mentality to keep up with the needs of our children.
Encourage everyone.
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