The national prevalence rate of mental disorders in children and adolescents is 17.5%, and the mental health of children and adolescents in mainland China is facing severe challenges, which is the latest data of the "Epidemiological Survey of Mental Disorders in Chinese Children and Adolescents" released on October 10. October 10 is also World Mental Health Day, and this year's mainland theme is "The Heart of Youth, the Youth of Youth". Psychological experts remind that good family education is a "good recipe" to resolve the psychological crisis of adolescents, in the face of some "small emotions" of adolescents, if parents can identify and intervene early, they can prevent problems before they occur.
The nagging and discipline of everything makes parents offside, and "high-control" families are easy to ignore the psychological needs of children
On the eve of World Mental Health Day, a reporter from China Women's Daily walked into the children's consultation room of a psychological clinic in Beijing's Chaoyang District, and Yin Jianmin, an expert on children's and adolescent behavior and emotional problems and the founder of teapot psychology, pointed to a shelf full of sand tray toys and told reporters that children who came to receive psychological counseling "projected" their emotions, wishes, and personalities by selecting and placing these various toy models such as plants, animals, houses, cars, etc. on the sand table.
Xiaomi (pseudonym) is a fourth-grader with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) who exhibits problems such as poor concentration in class, poor emotional control, and interpersonal communication disorders. "Xiaomi designed the sand table for the first time, the whole sand table is full of tanks, knives and guns, skulls, the whole tone is very gray, almost no space and disorganized." Yin Jianmin told reporters that it can be seen from the sand table projection that Xiaomi chose the "war scene", with aggression in the subconscious, and the logic is chaotic without layout awareness, which is also the commonality of the children of the "high control" family.
"Many people think that a 'high-control' family is a high concentration of patriarchy, accompanied by coercive orders, high restraint, absolute obedience as the principle of upbringing, and even violent methods. But in essence, it is now commonly 'absent from the father's office', and the mother's nagging, nanny-style discipline and bitter exhortation are the special forms of the current "high-control" family. Yin Jianmin explained.
The reporter learned that because the father often travels on business, Xiaomi is mainly brought up by grandma and mother, and the mother's considerate and strong education method penetrates into the growth of the child all the time. For example, the child wants to wear a pair of shoes, but the mother feels that the shoes are not resistant to dirt and constantly persuades the child; the child wants to eat a dish, but the mother feels too greasy and asks the child to eat more nutritious dishes...
In life, there are also many parents who always use the banner of "good for their children" and ignore the most direct psychological needs of their children. Yin Jianmin found in psychological counseling that under this "high control", the child's performance is generally divided into three stages, the infant period is to identify with and become accustomed to it, but after entering adolescence, the sense of independence and autonomy gradually appears, rebellious emotions breed, the child will "reject" the parents' planning and arrangement, and the parents' still strong attitude is manifested as forbearance, resistance or indifference, disregard, and in the end, the child's negative emotions accumulate to a certain extent, anxiety, depression and a series of psychological problems begin to surface.
Parental anxiety, academic pressure, role confusion, etc., make "high-control" parents like to intervene in their children all the time
Parental anxiety shifts. In the interview, the reporter found that the "anxiety" portraits of the parents who came to consult were also strikingly similar, mostly because the father was in a state of wandering and neglect of parent-child education, and the mother was anxious under the sense of loss of control. "If the mother's anxiety is not strongly supported by other family members and is not guided in time, she can only unconsciously transmit negative emotions to the child, and then turn to a stronger control of the child, and try to avoid the imbalance of value caused by the child's loss of control." Yin Jianmin said that once such a family has problems with their children, parents are extremely broken, because they regard the "good or bad" of their children as the most important embodiment of their own value.
Only look at the "utilitarian mentality" of academics. The reporter found that the direct reason for many families who come to do psychological counseling is that "children's grades are not ideal", even if the children have abnormal behavior and emotions long ago, but as long as they do not affect learning, parents often do not turn to psychological intervention agencies. "This is also a typical 'high control' thinking, as long as the good results such as full score and first place, do not care whether the process is reasonable and scientific." In fact, many children have serious problems when they are sent over, but parents always think that after psychological counseling intervention, as long as the child's grades go up, it is 'cured'. Yin Jianmin said.
The "shackles" of the original family. Why do parents punish their children violently? The reason cannot be simply attributed to "hurting long memory", because many "high-control" parents still stay in the educational concept of the original family - "the previous generation beat is kissing, scolding is love, not fighting is not talented." Yin Jianmin believes that in psychology, children will establish a causal link between "love" and "violence", and think that hitting others is also an expression of "goodwill"; on the moral level, this genetic demonstration effect of parents, if not broken, will be passed on from generation to generation, constantly sending a signal to children - "Violence caused by love is not a bad thing." This also explains why many teenagers like to express the demands of interpersonal relationships in the form of confrontation, fighting, and gang formation.
The positioning of parental occupations and tutoring roles is "chaotic". In many of the consulting cases, high-ranking intellectual families account for a higher proportion of "high-control" families, many of whom are elite groups such as professors, doctors, civil servants, and business executives. "There are strict rules for this type of parental work, which usually requires rigor, seriousness, and a high degree of self-discipline and efficient output. They often have difficulty switching identities quickly after work, and instead use lively, gentle and patient ways to talk to their children on an equal footing. Han Bing, chief expert of the Beijing Brain And Torobeal Children's and Adolescents Growth Center, explained that this part of the population usually takes their own "success" as a sample to ask children, believing that their academic experience and life attitude are basically correct, and they can completely lead the child, and have a stronger intervention guidance for the child's "what to do, how good to do", and do not allow "deviation" to exist.
Adhere to the main principles, respect children's preferences, parents should balance the "control" and "independence" of tutoring
In family therapy, Han Bing found that in the "high control" mode, children have formed a strong contradiction between avoidance and high dependence for their parents, on the one hand, seeking self-growth, on the other hand, they are "accustomed" to the protection of their parents. Because "high control" means that children give up the opportunity to think independently and choose to "follow tussocks", children lack real endogenous motivation.
How do you motivate your child's inner self-motivation? "Parents must first respect their children's choices, be good at listening to their children's expressions, and give feedback to their children in a motivating, agreeable, and empathetic way." Han Bing suggested that when the relationship between parents and children tends to be harmonious, children will show a "more conscious, easier to communicate, more positive" mental outlook, and the initiative to learn will also increase.
In traditional Chinese culture, "filial piety" is the foundation of benevolence, and it is the duty of children to obey and obey; in adolescence, "rebellion and independence" is the release of children's nature and is the necessary growth process. How to balance "control" and "independence" in family education?
"When children show disobedience and rebellion, the parents' instinctive reactions are to be vigilant, nervous, unprepared, and plan to further tighten their control. But in fact, the best way is to realize your own anxiety in time, break this tight string, and gradually relax from the state of tension, while adhering to the main principle, other details can respect the child's preferences. Han Bing reminded that because the biggest impact on children is the control and anxiety state of the parents themselves, children will feel uncomfortable with their parents in this state.
"The purpose of education is to let children have an independent and healthy personality, not 'obedience', all love in the world is for the sake of being together, but only the love of parents for children is to gradually separate, for children to grow up and leave home independently." The family is an important 'soil' for the mental health growth of adolescents. In families with a good parent-child relationship, children will open their hearts to their parents, pour out their troubles, and resolve negative emotions in a timely manner. Han Bing said. (China Women's Daily all-media reporter Xu Yangchen)
Source: China Women's Daily
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