Hello everyone, I am Teacher Qiming.
Many mothers tell me that when they find that their children are in the lower grades of elementary school, they are willing to talk to their mothers, but as the children reach the age of 10, they begin to communicate with their mothers.
Either he doesn't talk to you, or he always says dirty words when he speaks, you take care of him, and he still confronts you. I think this kind of thing should be a problem that many parents will encounter, why don't children want to talk to their mothers?
So here I want to tell the mother that the child is actually very willing to express himself. They are very eager to be recognized by their parents.
Because in the process of growing up, his self-confidence comes from the encouragement and acceptance of others. Then the child is not willing to talk to you, which has two very important points that need to be seriously considered.
01
Physiological causes – the pursuit of self-independence during adolescence
In fact, many books will say that puberty is a very critical period of children's development. At this stage, the child's sense of independence is enhanced, and the adolescent child hopes that he has his own independent thoughts, and does not want to be deceived by his mother and the teacher again.
They prefer to listen to their friends. The child has his own standard of judgment, longing for his parents to respect him, and for his parents to be able to listen to his opinion.
It can be said that adolescence is an important period of transformation from passive to active, from dependence to independence.
During this time, their hearts began to close, and they began to have their own little secrets. They become taciturn in front of their parents, often hiding in their rooms, rarely talking to their parents, and even refusing their parents' concern. These are actually the psychological characteristics of adolescent children.
Of course, some children can actually transition well at this stage, on the one hand, parents are well defended before puberty. Many problems in children during adolescence are already in the lower grades of primary school. And many parents are actually not clear about why their well-behaved children appear like this.
In fact, when they are young, children have a very large dependence on their mothers on the one hand, and they are weak and helpless. They want to have themselves, but under the pressure of their parents, they have to aggrieved themselves. Think back to whether you said, "If you don't obey me again, I won't want you." What about this threatening language?
Although these words sound very fake in the eyes of adults, it is not a big deal. But in the eyes of the child, he thinks that the mother will leave him, which is likely to cause the child to be very insecure. Become introverted, sensitive at heart and less willing to trust others.
02
Parenting style – The child is constantly frustrated and does not want to say more
Now let's talk about why parenting causes children to become silent. In fact, I have already mentioned an example above. But the most important point I want to share with you.
There is a problem with the way parents communicate. Have moms found themselves in the following situations when communicating with their children?
First, when the child is disobedient and cries when he is young, does the mother reprimand the child fiercely?
Second, when the child is young, there is a strong curiosity, when he is sharing with you what he has learned or asking you questions, do the mothers become impatient and interrupt the child's speech?
Third, when the child's academic performance has improved, in order to prevent the child from being proud and complacent, does the mother pretend to express her dissatisfaction?
In fact, these will cause children to be reluctant to communicate with you again, because as long as they communicate with you, it will cause self-esteem to be hit, and no one wants to be denied, which will make him feel that he has no value and feels very inferior.
03
The way to break the game – empathy
At this point, I would like to tell you a very easy-to-use method, which can not only make children willing to communicate with you, but also apply to any interpersonal relationship, including with lovers, friends and so on.
This method is actually called empathy. What is empathy?
Psychologist Rogers defines empathy this way: "Refers to the ability to penetrate into the subjective world of others and understand their feelings." Thinking about things from someone else's perspective means entering the private cognitive world of others and being fully grounded in it. ”
Simply put, you can feel the other person's feelings and express them.
In fact, mothers will find that mothers who tend to have a more male and tough personality often have poor empathy ability. And those sensitive and delicate mothers will empathize with their children. Why?
On the surface, the problems and difficulties encountered by children are nothing in the eyes of mothers with strong personalities, and to be honest, they are not very good at comforting children. Also tell the child to be strong, which is not a big deal.
In fact, this has a lot to do with the mother's attachment pattern, because the mother's ability to feel is relatively poor, which leads to her inability to empathize with the child's feelings, which makes the child not only sad but also feels that she is ridiculed. I feel that this little thing is crying, this little difficulty can not be overcome, in fact, for children, this is already a big thing.
As a result, the child is influenced by the mother, will begin to self-depreciate, self-attack, become introverted and unwilling to express.
In fact, in this case, the mother should try to empathize with each other, the mother can say: "Child, the mother understands your feelings, you feel sad, wronged right, do you feel that you are helpless, do not know what to do?"
This is actually a kind of empathy, and the child will feel that the mother understands his feelings. When the child is empathized with by the other party, he will heal his own pain, and he will trust his mother more, and he is willing to tell his mother what he has in mind.
When we use empathy techniques, there are four important points to keep in mind.
First, the eyes should look intently at the child, express sincerity, and let the child feel that he is accepted;
Second, try to simply repeat what the other person says, so that the other party feels that they are understood;
Third, from the child's point of view, use the method of empathy to understand his feelings;
Fourth, maintain a calm tone and a gentle attitude throughout the whole process. Don't let your child feel ridiculed.
All right! I don't know if you have learned it or not, simple empathy can make the other party feel that you understand him, and you can make the other party recognize you.
Mothers play a very big role in the parenting process and have a great influence on their children. Because moms are usually the first to build relationships with their children. Children will unconsciously replicate their mother's relationship patterns.
Of course, moms don't worry too much, the more they do, the more they make mistakes. This is actually very normal, but the mother should also be more self-aware, and in the process of getting along with the child, she should empathize with the child.