Introduction: Yesterday I read an article, called The old man who helps his children with their children with babies, what are they bearing, look at this name, we know that this is an article that speaks for the elderly, the article tells a documentary of CCTV from the perspective of grandma, the documentary details the hardships of the elderly to help bring children, and at the same time with the baby, many of their own ways of taking the baby are rejected by the children, so it is often the one hand, while being wronged, and being complained by the children.
After reading this article, I had a particularly strong urge to write an article to give voice to my current young parents.
I remember that I once wrote an article about how to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the article is still relatively rational and neutral, but it is still "beaten" by many mothers-in-law in the comment area, so even if I think that after this article is written and published, it will still be scolded and said to have no conscience, I still decided to follow my heart and write about my true thoughts.
My mother-in-law helped with the baby, but I was very depressed
I saw a question on Zhihu, I summarized it, and the title has the following meaning:
My mother-in-law is very young and very good, willing to help me with the baby, and also listen to my words, but I feel like a hundred claws and scratching my heart when I get along with her.
For example:
Every time when eating, the child immediately throws down the chopsticks to see the baby as soon as she cries, and when she makes a good meal, let us eat her to see the baby first. It always gives the feeling that everything can be given for the sake of the child. However, I am a person who pursues independence, her sacrifice is very large, I also see it in my eyes, but it makes me feel very weak, many times expressed that I do not use to take children, but she always ignores it.
I have talked and quarreled, but he still looks like I am willing to sacrifice for you, there is a feeling of powerlessness in punching the cotton, and most importantly, my husband does not understand my thoughts, and always feels that it is easy to throw the child to the mother.
It can be seen that the subject is very entangled and sad, and even feels that such a life makes her very painful, although taking children is a recognized chore, but for an adult with independent thoughts, since she has chosen to have children, she has been prepared to bear more than the expected consequences, and no matter how tired she is, it is also her choice.
However, the unilateral and unconditional intervention of the mother-in-law made her feel that her life was interfered with and disrupted, and most importantly, the mother-in-law's behavior could not say anything herself, otherwise she would be kidnapped by morality, and immediately someone would come out and say something like this:
"The current daughter-in-law just doesn't understand things, the old man sacrificed his old age to bring you a baby, you are not satisfied!"
However, what you call "good for you", have you ever asked the child if she needs it?
Bringing children is the parents' own business, although the mother-in-law to bring is kind, but it does violate the boundaries of young parents, the most important thing is that young parents are unhappy, in the end they still have to feel the old man, because she "sacrificed herself to help with the baby" this great behavior, so the children have to accept everything unconditionally, is this fair to the children?
Coupled with the different parenting concepts, in case there is a difference of opinion between the two sides, if you meet a very unreasonable mother-in-law, there will inevitably be a dispute when you go back, if you meet a reasonable mother-in-law, you will be labeled as "ungrateful" and "unfilial", which makes young parents do what?
Why do many elderly people like to bring grandchildren?
When watching the TV series "Si Teng", the finale made me very emotional.
In the TV series, the bamboo demon Kong Jinghua adopted a child before Si Teng, called Xizhu, but because Xizhu rebelled during adolescence, disobeyed discipline, and fooled around with bad teenagers, Kong Jinghua never reflected on her own way of education, but immediately broke Xizhu's legs, abandoned Xizhu, and then adopted a child, also called her "Xizhu".
Kong Jinghua believes that when a child is raised, another one will be raised.
Just as many parents on the Internet joke about having a second child: raising a child is like practicing well in a game, practicing another one after practicing.
Kong Jinghua's psychology is actually similar to the psychology of many elderly people with grandchildren in reality.
Some elderly people from the busyness of youth to the idleness of old age, can not really adapt to this change from the psychology, so they began to give birth to and want to use the "grandchildren" to divert their attention, and turned their biggest hobby into "bringing grandchildren".
There are also the elderly just like Kong Jinghua, their own desire to control is relatively strong, their children have grown up, have their own life, no longer listen to the opinions of the elderly in everything, and no longer accompany the elderly at all times, compared to the grown children, young children are more likely to be controlled by adults, and than busy children, grandchildren can accompany the elderly for a long time, to meet the elderly's desire to control.
Of course, it is not denied that there are still a large number of elderly people who think that life pressure is too great, thinking of helping their sons and daughters-in-law with children, can reduce the pressure on their sons and daughters-in-law's lives, or do not trust young people to bring children, thinking that they are more experienced, so they give up the idle life of the elderly and resolutely devote themselves to the cause of "bringing grandchildren".
But in any case, few families will not have conflicts between the two generations because of the child's education when the elderly help with the child.
The old man helps with the baby, and the most difficult thing is not the mother-in-law but the daughter-in-law
When my husband died in junior high school, his mother had always taken him alone, and he had told me before he got married that he would definitely live with his mother after marriage to repay his mother's nurturing grace.
At that time, I didn't think anything was bad, and I really wanted to treat my mother-in-law as a mother-in-law. After marriage, the mother-in-law has been urging children, and the most common sentence is: "I can help you with the baby while I am young." ”
This sentence gave me unlimited expectations, but also gave me the determination to have a baby early, so I was just in the rising stage of my career, resolutely decided to have a baby.
After the child was born, I realized that many things were not as simple as I thought.
Just after the first year of giving birth, the rhythm of my life is like this:
Get up at 7 o'clock every morning to wash and prepare breakfast, go to work, because the unit is far from home, do not go home at noon;
After work at 6 p.m., hurry to the supermarket to buy vegetables, choose dishes, wash vegetables, cook, and prepare the next day's meals for my mother-in-law (my mother-in-law is only responsible for taking the baby, the next day's meals are prepared at home the day before, and the dishes and chopsticks in the morning and at noon are left for me to come back to wash at night).
Often a set of processes down to nearly 9 o'clock, after eating 10 o'clock;
My husband cleaned up the table and washed the dishes at 11 o'clock;
At night, I take the child to sleep, wake up five or six times a night to feed the child, change the diaper is not wet, and the overall calculation is not more than 5 hours of sleep a day.
That year, the family was chaotic like a pig's nest, every day lack of sleep and tired, but also by the mother-in-law complained that they did not bring a baby or do housework, go home a little later, the mother-in-law complained that she was at home every day with a baby, dinner could not be eaten in time. Occasionally, if I really don't want to cook and propose to go out to eat, my mother-in-law will say that I will not be thrifty and thrifty.
There were no gatherings that year, and occasionally friends organized dinners that I refused, because my mother-in-law would say, "I work hard at home to bring you a baby, and you go outside yourself!"
Seriously, rather than being at home full-time with my baby, I am more afraid that my mother-in-law will hang on to my mouth every day the theory of "sacrificing my happiness for you for a lifetime", which makes me very stressed, and I dare not have a little opinion on her, otherwise I will be whipped by my conscience, and I feel that I am "so unfilial and so unthinkable"?
Let the elderly not let the elderly bring the baby, and the young parents are really embarrassed
When I say this, I may be spitting again: "The old man can help you take you to be grateful to Dade, and you are still considering not letting the old man take it, does the old man owe you?" ”
However, in my house, let the old man not take it, I am really embarrassed.
As I said earlier, my mother-in-law has always lived with us, and in the process of taking the baby, I have said several times that I am tired and bitter, and I have also proposed that I personally take the baby or ask an aunt to reduce the burden, but as soon as I hear this, my mother-in-law will say: "Do you hate me for not bringing it well?" "What else can I do with my aunt?" Too much money to spend? ”
When the child grows up a little more, goes to kindergarten and primary school, we begin to participate more in the child's learning and life, and as a result, whenever the child has a little problem, the mother-in-law will say: "When I was a child, how good and obedient the child I brought, now you have brought it like this!" ”
To put it bluntly, as long as the child has some achievements, it is the mother-in-law who brought it well when she was a child, as long as the child has some problems, it is my mother who has taken the child to waste!
Inside and out are my wrong, what else can I say?
I once saw a netizen on the Internet say something like this:
My mother-in-law is the kind of person who sacrifices herself to move herself, and she gets along quite suffocated, I am more independent, pay attention to privacy, she is completely opposite, every day nervous and tense eyes to watch the six ears listen to the eight directions, whispering she interjects at any time, phone overhearing, rushes into my room as soon as there is movement, in short, everything has her, and everything wants to listen to her, superficially kind words to ask for advice, if not satisfactory, she will cry to me, oppress me with tears, my husband does not eat her set, I am slowly immune, She always complained to herself that she treated me as a daughter-in-law, and I didn't appreciate it, and she was quite suffocating.
Seeing this, can you say that this mother-in-law is not good, or the daughter-in-law is not good? No, it's just that there is a problem with the two people getting along, and what is missing is respect for each other's choices.
Write at the end:
According to the "China Floating Population Development Report 2016" released by the National Health and Family Planning Commission, in order to support the cause of their children, take care of the third generation and leave their hometowns, the number of elderly people who go to live in the cities where their children are located has reached 18 million, and in recent years, it has increased every year.
However, these elderly people who live with their children in the name of supporting their children's careers and taking care of their children and grandchildren are not happy, and these children who are cared for also feel depressed.
Although with the help of parents, to a certain extent to reduce the pressure of young parents' lives, but in this process, it is difficult for young parents to fully establish a good intimate relationship with their children, and the other is that they do not feel the process of both husband and wife overcoming difficulties together, this process can actually turn the original short-term hormonal relationship into a lasting comrade-in-arms, if you do not go through this process, it is difficult to form a strong husband and wife relationship.
Therefore, if it is not a last resort, or do not let the mother-in-law help with the baby, after all, whether to have a baby is your own choice, since you have chosen, you must be prepared to take responsibility, who let the child be their own?