Source | Daughter Pie
Hello everyone, this is Dumb Daddy Parenting.
Recently watched a satirical animated short film from Russia, "The Umbilical Cord", which is just 6 minutes, but the reason is very profound.
The child was born and the doctor was about to cut off the umbilical cord, but was stopped by the mother.
Later, the child has been connected to herself by the mother with an umbilical cord.
This little umbilical cord is of great use to mom.
Kids graffiti? Pull it back with an umbilical cord!
Kids treading dirty water? Pull back!
Playing with puppies? Pull back!
When it is not in the mother's sight, the child will be pulled back to the mother's considered safe range by the mother with an umbilical cord.
Fast forward to the age of enrollment, and the mother reluctantly sent her child into the school.
Unexpectedly, what awaited the child was the ridicule of his classmates and the play with the umbilical cord, and no one wanted to play with him as an "outlier".
The mother angrily pointed at the teacher and scolded, then slammed the door with the child.
When other children are playing on the playground, the children can only sit next to their mothers and scribble.
The child grew up, and in order not to let the child leave his sight, the mother taught the child to knit sweaters.
In this way, the child knits sweaters during the day to support the family, and sits with his mother and watches TV until late at night.
Finally, the adolescent child could not resist the inner restlessness, and met with the girl next door late at night, and found that the mother of all this dragged the child back with the "umbilical cord".
The child became angry and vowed to cut the "umbilical cord".
However, the mother fainted because of the "betrayal" of the child.
In the end, the child chose to compromise and continued to maintain a connection with the mother with the "umbilical cord".
The mother is getting older, the child is middle-aged, and she must earn her own money to support the family.
But the child is still inseparable from his mother, selling sweaters for a living.
Spring, summer, autumn and winter, wind and frost, rain and snow, from middle age to old age, from green silk to white hair, the only thing that remains unchanged is the small stall and the umbilical cord that always links mother and child, and the two have been poor all their lives.
The elderly mother, has long been unable to keep up with his pace, he can only take one step to stop, the mother is like a "baggage", dragging him, but can not shake off.
Seeing the other family of three enjoying each other, the lone "child" cast an envious look, and then sighed deeply.
At the end of the story, it is the most ironic.
The messenger from the other world took his mother, cut the umbilical cord between mother and son, and the son woke up from his sleep, emotionally broken, dazed...
01.
How terrible is the parents' desire for control?
Silently recalling, similar to this, in the process of children's growth, we have said too many times:
"You don't have to worry about this, you just have to take care of your own study!"
"Follow my steps, don't fool yourself!"
"I've given you a different tutoring class, not before!"
Suddenly, I found that these words we said as parents ended with an exclamation point.
While we express our love and care for our children, the emotions we express to our children also include "command and control".
Two years ago, before the Spring Festival, a man under the pseudonym "Wang Meng" accused his parents of all kinds of control over him in a long text of 15,000 words.
"Wang Meng" ranked among the best in his grades from an early age, and he was a science graduate in the college entrance examination in a certain city in Sichuan, a graduate student majoring in biological engineering at Peking University, and a graduate student in the top 50 universities in the United States.
But did you know that 12 years ago, he did not go home for the Spring Festival?
6 years ago, he blocked all the contact information of his parents;
Recently, he is planning to study for a doctorate in psychology at Peking University in order to solve the psychological problems brought to him by the control of his parents.
In Wang Meng's impression, his mother locked him up at home for a long time and took care of everything for him.
Clothes are purchased according to the aesthetics of their parents, and friends from elementary school to high school need to be reviewed by their parents.
After being admitted to Peking University, his parents entrusted his relatives in Beijing to take care of him, and he still had to continue to understand his friendship.
All kinds of interference and control made Wang Meng choose to break with his family and parents.
This is a vivid example of how "I love you" evolved into "I control you.")
Parents, treating their children as their own private property, excessively interfering in their children's lives.
It's not love, it's harm.
In the Taiwanese drama "Your Child Is Not Your Child", after her mother's divorce, Xiao Wei is her only sustenance.
Her mother's biggest requirement for Xiao Wei is to study seriously, listen to her mother's words, and get admitted to a good university.
When Xiao Wei failed to get the score his mother wanted, his mother would be angry and reprimanded:
"Mom is for your own good, why don't you understand?"
Until one day, Mom got a remote control that could reverse time.
Whenever Xiao Wei did not do well in the exam, did not obey, and resisted his mother's orders, his mother would press the remote control.
Until Xiao Wei makes a choice that satisfies her mother, she will stop reversing time.
Because my mother believes that that kind of choice is the right one, and it is beneficial to Xiao Wei's growth.
shudder.
Just like the mother in the opening short film, the child is bound by the "umbilical cord", and when the child breaks free of the "umbilical cord", the parent-child relationship also breaks down.
As psychologist Wu Zhihong said: "The desire to control is the source of all evil." ”
02.
The ideal type of parent is not a template for children's growth
Di Ying, who played the lord of Cheshire in the 83rd version of "Bao Qingtian", "vomited the truth after drinking" in a live broadcast, and loudly told the audience that "you don't want to rob my husband" and "no one should rob my son".
After giving birth to his son Sun Anzuo at the age of 38, Di Ying treated the child like this:
Three meals a day must be arranged in person, because the child is very naughty when eating, and she will spend many hours "consuming" until she sees the child finish eating.
Once, the son went to play at a friend's house, and after learning that the other party's family actually ate porridge, Di Ying felt that the child's friend's home was too shabby, and never let his son associate with that friend again.
From the child's food, clothing, shelter and transportation to the communication of friends, she must strictly manage it.
18-year-old Sun Anzuo left home to study in the United States, once he told his friend that he was going to attack the school and asked his friend not to go to school, so as not to be injured by mistake, and the friend immediately called the police after hearing it.
On March 29, 2018, Sun Waszo was arrested by U.S. police on suspicion of intimidation, after which he seized a firearm and 1,600 rounds of ammunition at his lodging.
Di Ying was born in a single-parent family from an early age, and worked to earn money to support the family at a very young age.
Therefore, she does not want the child to live such a life as her again, she hopes that the child can be hurt and loved, and she also hopes that the child has learning and status.
Therefore, she has always wanted to let her child become her ideal appearance.
However, children who are saddled with their parents' ideals are no different from children bound by "umbilical cords", who are eager to show themselves and can easily go astray once they break free.
Qi Mingyue in "In the Name of family" is also a girl who is "arranged everything" by her mother.
When she was studying, her mother only allowed her to make friends with classmates with good grades, and she was not allowed to play with those with poor grades.
Regarding the future, her mother also planned for her: to enter the University of Political Science and Law and choose a lawyer major.
Even dressing up, eating and ordering, the mother has to force interference.
One of the words that my mother often hangs on her lips is "we are all people who come here, all for your own good."
But in the end, the "well-behaved girl" completely broke out, deliberately filling in one less answer card in the college entrance examination.
In order to get rid of her mother's control, she did not hesitate to self-destruct her future.
"You want a good daughter, what you won't let me do, I did it all behind your back!"
In reality, how many parents control their children in the name of love, and how many parents dominate their children's lives with "good for you".
Psychologist Li Xue said:
"A body can only bear one soul, and if the parents' control is airtight, the child is actually mentally dead."
Children should not be sculptures that we shape according to our own ideals.
03.
As parents, they can't help but have such worries:
If I relax my discipline of my child, won't I become a wild child? What if my child's school goes bad? What if my child has a bad time in the future?
I used to think the same way, until I saw the story of Long Yingtai and Andrei.
The family was playing by the sea, and when Long Yingtai was going to go to the toilet, he casually asked his son, "Do you want to go?" ”
Andre said, "Mom, don't you know if I want to go to the bathroom?" ”
After seeing his mother return, his son asked, "May I ask, will you ask your friend if he wants to go to the toilet?" ”
Long Yingtai shook his head.
The son asked, "Then why do you ask me if I can go to the toilet?" Afraid I'm peeing in my pants? ”
Because of this small matter, the son also wrote a letter to Long Yingtai:
"Mom, when you give me freedom, you feel that it is your 'authorization' or 'giving', and you don't feel that it is my innate right.
In other words, you can't understand it to this day: your child is not your child, he is a 'nother' who is completely independent of you! ”
The letter shook Long Yingtai, which she called "Andrei's Declaration of Independence."
I've seen a passage before that says what is the best love:
"If there's a road ahead that I've fallen beyond recognition, and you insist on going."
I hope I love the way, not desperately holding you and saying don't go can't go.
Instead, prepare the most durable shoes for you, prepare an umbrella, and tell you that the second intersection is slippery and there are thieves on the fifth street.
Tell you, go, come back home and have food. ”
Parental love is a timely and appropriate exit.
A little less control, a little more understanding.
Less complaining, more respect.
As Zhao Jie, a talented woman at Peking University, said:
"Care and separation are both tasks that parents must accomplish with their children."
*This article is original to the Daughter Pie. My family has daughters, and there are women who do everything. A parenting platform that millions of parents follow.
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