A friend of mine, my girlfriend is 4 years old. Friends have recently been trying to "train" their children to sleep in their rooms.
It has been going on for more than a week, and every night there is a "crying scene", and the mother and daughter are not allowed to live in peace all night.
Whenever the child woke up crying at night, she had to repeatedly go over to comfort and sleep, and every day she went to work with two black circles and swollen eye bubbles, and collapsed!
Later, I told her about another mother's experience sleeping separately with her child:
A mother, on her child's 4th birthday, began to try to sleep with her child.
On the first night, the child came knocking on the door unexpectedly, one moment saying that ants had crawled into the room; the next saying that his own teddy bear had landed in his mother's room.
The father said to the child through the door, "Who are you thinking so carefully about?" Hurry back to sleep or spank your ass. ”
After that, the child was not heard all night, and the couple slept peacefully all night.
The next morning, the moment the mother opened the door, she found the child curled up in the doorway sleeping soundly.
It turned out that he himself had brought small mats, small pillows, and small quilts from the room in the middle of the night, and he was still holding one of his mother's clothes tightly in his arms...
After listening to the experience of the mother and the child's bed separation, the friend actually cried.
She said: Originally, I thought that only by letting the child learn to sleep on his own early could the child be more independent, but I did not expect to hurt the child's heart.
Yes, how many mothers have the same mentality and plan to sleep in separate rooms with their children step by step:
Want to sleep in separate beds and rooms to make children more independent;
Don't want the child to be too clingy and too squeamish, and want to sleep separately from the child early;
"3-year-old bed, 5-year-old room" after this age is even more difficult to divide;
I heard that foreign mothers have to sleep on their own as soon as their children are born...
Are these all true?
Is there the best age to sleep in separate beds and rooms?
Isn't sleeping apart from your child as early as possible?
How can children adapt to sleeping separately?
Today's article will give you the answer you need most!
What happened to the children who slept separately from their mothers at birth?
When I gave birth, many mothers especially adhered to the principle of "as soon as the baby is born, you should sleep by yourself".
And this statement comes from a few decades ago, many children in Europe and the United States, as soon as they were born, slept in separate rooms with their parents, which was called "this can make children independent, obedient, and non-sticky."
But later, many mothers found that sleeping in separate beds with their babies too early led to more unexpected problems.
A mother who has no regrets shares her experience:
She is an extremely enthusiastic mother of various parenting concepts abroad, and she sleeps separately from her baby as soon as she is born, even if the child cries.
Slowly, the child gradually grew up, and indeed became more and more accustomed to sleeping alone, but he also became silent, did not like to talk, and did not like to laugh.
During a trip, she had planned to sleep with her children, but heard her children say, "I don't want to sleep with my mother, and my mother never likes to be with me."
At that moment, she regretted it so much...
Just imagine, in the past day, the child's small back, again and again by the parents to be rejected, again and again into the endless darkness and fear, how painful it is!
Does the mother really put up with it and just push the child who is not ready out of the door?!
Children who sleep apart too early may have a weak relationship with their parents in the future
Some families in Western countries have paid attention to cultivating their children's independence from the time their children are born.
The "cry immunization method" we have heard is also transmitted from the West, children crying will not be immediately soothed and hugged, but need the child to adapt and repair themselves, the baby in the swaddling to achieve separate room sleep.
Although the child has indeed been cultivated to a large extent, but at the same time, it sacrifices the child's trust and attachment to the mother, the sense of security is lacking, and the relationship with the parents may be relatively indifferent in growth.
Mothers who work during the day need to sleep with their children at night
Many parents have to go to work during the day, can not accompany their children, and come back late at night, and the time of companionship is very short.
But even so, you'll find that there are still plenty of kids who are most attached to their own moms than grandparents/grandparents who bring them during the day.
The key is that the care and timely comfort at night is more important to establish an intimate relationship with the child!
To put it bluntly, whoever the child sleeps with at night is closer to whomever he sleeps.
Children sleep with their mothers and sleep of a higher quality
Anthropology professor James McKenna used decades of research to conclude that:
Infants and young children are biologically habitually close to their mothers, and the mother's body is the only environment that the baby really adapts to.
Baby and mother sleep together, feel each other's body temperature, smell, sound, touch and other body signals, the baby sleeps better, helps to improve the quality of sleep of infants and young children.
Sleeping with your mother greatly reduces the occurrence of "sudden infant death syndrome"
Professor James McKenna also said that the sleeping situation between mother and baby based on breastfeeding is the oldest and most effective way of sleeping in human beings. Sleeping together is universal in any cultural context and maximizes the probability of survival of the baby.
As can be seen in the figure below, the high incidence of sudden death syndrome in infants is between 1-4 months after birth, and babies at this age are not very good at looking up and turning over;
If you sleep alone at a distance from your mother, it is difficult for your mother to perceive that your child is in danger at night, leading to accidents.
On the contrary, when the mother and baby sleep together, each other can better perceive each other, the mother's response to the child is more sensitive and alert, the child is slightly wrong, the mother can react quickly to avoid accidents.
It is not necessary for a mother to sleep with a child in the same bed.
Instead, placing a sleeping basket or cot next to the bed, and parents can feel the baby within reach, is a safer choice.
But! It is not good for the child and the mother to sleep in the room too late
There is a second generation of stars who was arrested for his terrorist-related remarks. He is the only child of star Di Ying, 18 years old, Anzo.
The incident was caused by Sun Anzuo telling his classmates not to come to school on May 1 because he was going to be shot that day.
The frightened classmates then chose to call the police, and after the police intervened, nearly a thousand bullets and some military items and guns were found in Sun Anzuo's room.
When confronted by the police, Sun Anzuo and his mother both said in unison that the "shooting" was just a joke.
But the U.S. police didn't buy it, and they doubted that Mr. Sun possessed such a large number of weapons.
After the son's accident in the United States, the mother flew over to the son to "wipe his ass" and deal with follow-up problems.
Many people are not familiar with the mother and son of Di Ying and Sun Anzuo, but they are recognized as "strange" mothers and children in the entertainment industry.
When Sun Anzuo was 11 years old, he slept in the same bed as Di Ying, and he had to hold his mother's chest at night to fall asleep.
It was not until Sun Anzuo was 15 years old and began to have physiological reactions that Di Ying slept separately from him.
Children who sleep in the same bed with their parents for a long time will be overly dependent on their parents, have poor independence, and are mentally immature.
It is reasonable to say that normal families generally let boys sleep in separate rooms when they are six or seven years old, and Di Ying's approach completely subverts our imagination, not only sharing a bed with her 11-year-old son, but also letting her hold her own breasts.
When someone asked Di Ying why he didn't let his son sleep in separate rooms, Di Ying just helplessly said that this would make his son complain.
Because I don't want my son to complain, let my son hold his mother's chest and sleep in the same bed until he is 15 years old, from this small detail in life, it is enough to see how much Di Ying's accommodation and doting on his son is excessive, no wonder his son's behavior and thoughts are so naïve.
Although the child's excessive dependence on his parents and poor independence are not necessarily caused by sleeping in different rooms.
But sleeping too late with the child will indeed cause obstacles to the child's physical and mental growth, resulting in the child's mental immaturity, naïve consideration of things, reckless, and problems must rely on parents to solve...
I don't think any parent wants to raise their child like this.
Psychologist Fromm said in The Art of Love:
"The child must grow up, must be detached from the mother's and the mother's breasts, must become a complete, independent life. The true essence of the mother is to care for the growth of the child, which means also to care about the separation of the mother and the child. ”
For all mothers, accepting the separation from their children, allowing them to grow up slowly, and learning to be brave and independent is the best love that all mothers give to their children!
The child sleeps with the parents all the time, affecting the relationship between husband and wife.
I know that there is a question that is very hot: "Do you want to sleep with your husband in the first year?" ”
Before, a mother in the background also sent us a message:
Because the father is busy, every day the mother sleeps with the child, when the father wants to sleep with his wife and children one day, he finds that he has long become an outsider in the eyes of the child, and has become a "third party" between the mother and the child...
Many new mothers, after having a baby, in order to better take care of their children and understand the hard work of their husbands during the day, will choose to share rooms with their husbands and take their children to sleep.
But the data tells us that since having children, couples' intimate relationships and satisfaction with each other have shown a downward trend year by year.
Originally, after having a baby, the woman unconsciously shifted her attention to the child, and then divided the room at night, there was no space for two people, and gradually could not talk together, from husband and wife to "roommate".
Even if the husband and wife do not sleep in separate rooms and there is a child in the room, the mother will also put more attention on the child, which is also a kind of neglect of each other that begins with "children".
Over time, even if they share the same bed, they are each doing their own thing, and without communication, the intimate relationship becomes more and more weak.
Having said all this, should we sleep in separate beds with our children, and how old should we be?
Is there an age limit for sleeping in separate beds and sleeping in separate rooms?
Is it true that the "3-year-old bed and 5-year-old room" spread on the Internet is right?
The best time for a child to split the bed should be when he is ready
Recently, a mother left a message saying that her daughter is six years old and should not sleep in a separate room with her parents, but the child is very resistant to this.
I tried a few times, but without exception I failed, and each time I promised to be fine, but as soon as I walked to my room, she would change her mind temporarily, and then she would go back to sleep next to me.
Once I had a hard time coaxing her to sleep, but she got up in the middle of the night and cried and said: Afraid of the dark, it is terrible to sleep alone...
In fact, this is exactly what the child is telling the mother "I am not ready", the child may be afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of all kinds of things he is worried about... At this time, instead of forcing the child to accept, it is better to go with the flow.
As Yi Nengjing once said on Weibo:
Sooner or later, the child will be a thing, why is it so anxious?
Maybe one day, the child asks to sleep by himself, just on the day you are caught off guard.
Ma Yili once mentioned on Weibo that her daughter Ai Ma happily proposed that she should sleep with her mother after learning that her classmates slept alone, and quickly got used to it.
Children will grow up one day, and when they are ready, they will have enough ability to cope with new situations and new growth.
And all we have to do is to quietly accompany and wait, and always be ready to let go and let the child move forward on his own.
Some psychologists pointed out: before the age of 10, it is not too late to finish sleeping in separate rooms with your child!
Each child is a unique individual in the world, there is no specific bed, room age limit can be suitable for all children, everyone often says "3 years old room, 5 years old bed" is just a recommended age according to the situation of most children.
Instead of pursuing time that is quantified very precisely, instead of bringing anxiety to the child, it is better to relax and think of some appropriate guidance methods.
4 steps + 4 assists to help children sleep smoothly
Step 1: Baby, split the bed, fit the bed tightly
First of all, we are advocating that babies should sleep in separate beds after birth.
It's just that the baby's small bed should be close to the mother's large bed, so that the baby can feel the mother's smell and temperature when sleeping, and it is also convenient for the mother to take care of the baby at night, which more effectively reduces the occurrence of sudden neonatal death syndrome.
The British Medical Journal reports:
Nearly 1500 cases of sudden infant death were analyzed, and the report showed that babies sleeping in their parents' beds had a 22% chance of sudden death.
Step 2: The big baby, split the bed, and the big bed to pull away
Older babies, the crib has not been able to sleep, you can change the children's bed, placed in a certain distance from the large bed, it is best for the mother and baby to reach out and touch each other's distance.
Not only have an independent space for each other, but also be able to perceive each other at any time, adults and children can sleep more peacefully.
Step 3: The eldest child, divide the room, do not close the door
When the child grows up and sleeps in a separate bed with the mother, you can consider sleeping in a separate room for the child.
However, in the initial room division stage, the mother can accompany the child to sleep and then leave, and the two bedrooms should not close the door;
Let the child know that even if he does not sleep in the same room with his parents, his mother will hear his voice at any time, and if he needs to call his mother, his mother will be able to come over immediately.
Step 4: Finally, split up and sleep independently
At this point, it is not far from the completion of sleeping alone in a complete split room, and the child shows that he is becoming more and more accustomed to sleeping in his room.
The mother can tell the child a story every night, or talk with the child and leave the room after talking, turn off the lights and close the door.
If the child does not want to close the door, you can cleverly tell the child: "Is it quieter to sleep behind closed doors, even if the door is closed, you call your mother, and your mother can hear it." ”
Auxiliary one: Decorate his own small room with the child
You should decorate your room with your child long before you officially go to bed in separate rooms.
Let the child choose their favorite bed, lamp, small desk, small cabinet, etc., everything is arranged in the way the child likes, and let the child participate in the arrangement, giving the child a small expectation that he will soon be able to live in.
For example, the princess style that girls like, the heroic style that boys like, tell the child:
"This is your little world, you are the master here..." Let the child have a sense of belonging to his room, and it will be much easier to divide the bed in the future.
Auxiliary 2: Allow children to choose a favorite toy to "sleep with"
At first, when the child sleeps alone, he will feel lonely and afraid, and the mother can allow the child to choose a favorite toy as the "sleeping partner".
Holding or holding their own familiar and favorite toys in their hands will make children feel safe and accompanied, and can eliminate children's loneliness.
Assist 3: Hold a room separation ceremony for the child
Choose a ceremonial point, such as your child's birthday or the first day of the New Year, and tell your child:
"Baby is 1 year old again, from today on, you are the eldest child, you can sleep alone!" 」
Then hold a room separation ceremony for the child, such as hanging a ribbon in the room, changing into a new sheet, a new quilt cover, hanging a sign on the door, writing the child's name, etc.
Children will also feel from the bottom of their hearts that they have really grown up, really amazing, and can sleep on their own.
Assist four: Bedtime companionship is very important and must not be saved
Before parents go to bed, it is best to accompany them in the child's room, tell the child stories, play small games, and whisper.
Let the child feel that even if the bed is separated, the parents are still the parents who love themselves, and they are still the children who are loved, which is more conducive to their acceptance of the fact that they sleep separately from their parents.
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