"Accompanying children to grow up for life" - reading notes guide to share

This text number is 3932 and the estimated reading time is 10 minutes.

The book shared today is "Growing Up with Children for Life".

The author is Fan Deng, the founder of "Fan Deng Reading", a master's degree from Xi'an Jiaotong University and a doctorate from Beijing Normal University. In 1999, he was the winner of the International College Debate Competition, CCTV host, and hosted programs such as "12 Studios" and "Samsung Intelligence Express" on CCTV.

Fan Deng established three pillars of parent-child education in "Accompanying Children for Life": unconditional love, sense of value, and lifelong growth mentality. Unconditional love provides happiness and courage for children; a sense of value, so that children have the internal drive to create achievements; the mentality of lifelong growth is the virtue behind all virtues.

1

The nature of parenting

Parenting is a complex system, and raising children is by no means something that can be summarized by the simple and crude logic of "what others do, I do". Every child is an independent individual, has his own feelings, and needs to be respected and understood. When parents mistakenly believe that educating their children is a simple system and responding with a mechanized model, the child's vitality will be snuffed out.

1. Complex system

So what is a "complex system"? We can understand complexity by understanding reductionism. The core of reductionism is that if we know every aspect and every detail of a thing, we must know the whole picture of the thing. Reductionism can solve simple problems, such as to figure out what a car looks like, you have to figure out the chassis, wheels, engines, gearboxes, electric motors, car shells, electronic systems, etc.

After figuring out every system and using the best technology in the world to understand the assembly process, the whole car is almost understood. This is the simple system, and the characteristics of the simple system are traceable and can find causal relationships. For example, if the upstream makes a change, the downstream can see the reaction.

What did we human beings evolve all the way from a large molecule to such a complex social system today? There are three simple rules: the first rule is called heredity, which means that the father provides half of the genes and the mother provides half of the genes. The second rule is called mutation, find a few points to mutate, become a little different from your parents. The third rule is called selection, which becomes good, and those that are suitable for this world stay, and those that do not fit are slowly eliminated.

So someone asked the cellular computer experts, can you tell me the origin of the universe, what exactly? The cellular computer expert said, I don't know what the origin of the universe is, but if there is, it must not exceed three lines of code.

Therefore, if we treat the child in a mechanical way, it is not feasible to build him into an obedient machine, the parents feel tired, the child is particularly painful, and the relationship between parents and children is particularly tense. This is a lot of what we see in our lives right now. In daily life, almost all families are in such pain.

2. Stay away from inferior parent-child relationships

Some people said: "My relationship with my parents is not good, I think of my mother and want to cry, what should I do?" Other parents said, "I've been nice to my kids." When I was a child, my parents were even worse for me, where did all those bad things go? How I feel as if I'm still growing up. ”

Let's take a look at where our "bad" for our children goes. The way parents deal with their children is really strange. For example, many parents will hit their children. What are the problems with hitting your child? A child who is beaten will secrete a lot of adrenaline in his body, because people will naturally be nervous when they feel threatened. If there is a conflict between the child and the child, secreting adrenaline, and then the two fight, the adrenaline will be consumed and the person will return to normal.

If the parents hit the child, the child will also secrete a lot of adrenaline, but the child cannot hit the parents, so they can only be beaten by the parents. He was very angry, holding a lot of fire, and secreting more and more adrenaline, but he couldn't release it. Once there are extreme situations, such as drawing a knife to kill people, these consequences are beyond our ability to bear.

There are many people who are now questioning whether parent-child relationships have a decisive role in a person's life. This decisive role needs to be defined. Even if we do not say that parent-child relationships are decisive for our lives, we should at least admit that parent-child relationships have a very important role in our lives.

For example, if your child does the wrong homework, you will be angry. This is because you were a child, because of this matter, you have been hit and wronged. This inexplicable anger is called projection, that is, you put the pain and pressure you suffered in the past in your heart. Then, now, projected on this child, saying that I have suffered such humiliations before, and today I can no longer bear it.

It's not my fault, so when you hear a lot of mothers scolding their children, the most common thing to say is this, saying whether your mother has told you, how many times has your mother told you. What is the subtext of your statement? The subtext is that I don't blame you for this, I blame you for this. We are dividing responsibilities with our children.

What good is it for you to distinguish this responsibility from a seven- or eight-year-old? It just proves that the moment you are mad, you are also back to the state of a seven- or eight-year-old child. That's what projection does. Therefore, the parent-child relationship has a very big impact on our behavior patterns, our values, and the hormone levels in our bodies.

So, we need to understand the process and then find the three pillars that build a child's inner motivation. Finding it, the child became a person who took responsibility for himself. He'll iterate on his own, he'll run forward.

We can't cut a child into a lot of different metrics and then piece them together hard to make him a great bully. The right thing for us to do is to treat him as a person, and then let him have inner motivation, let him love himself, love this society, let him be curious, like to explore, and be able to solve setbacks on his own. That's when you find that you just have to sit back and enjoy it. You just take care of yourself. Adjust your own inner well, make you more sunny and healthier, and you will, in turn, bring better personality influences to your child. Then the child will grow on his own.

2

How to rebuild the parent-child relationship

Raising children is also a thing that should be full of curiosity, and adults should accompany their children to grow up with an attitude towards living organisms, rather than solving individual problems with the treatment of mechanical bodies. In this way, the child can grow up healthily. Teacher Fan Deng said that there are three very important pillars in a person's growth process, namely: unconditional love, a sense of value and a lifelong growth mentality.

1. Unconditional love

The energy within a person comes from love. What can unconditional love bring? It's trust, respect, security, and all of these things come from unconditional love.

Parents sometimes like to treat their children with threats, such as you don't obey me and I don't want you; you don't study well, don't buy you good food, and so on. You have to know that parents are children's role models, your words and deeds will affect children, Teacher Fan Deng said in the book that children are parents of a copy, I think it is very reasonable.

So, before puberty, how parents treat their children, how children will treat you, he will harvest a very unfriendly, very cruel adolescence, because he is learning from his parents. When he has such ability after puberty, he will apply all the problem-solving methods he learned from you to you. And using this threatening method will make the child rebel against the learning and exercising that should have been engaged in.

There are many parents who say that if they do well in the test this year, they will take you on a tour. Wait until the end of the year, as soon as the results are taken, I still want to travel on this achievement, and I don't have the face to go and cancel. The moment the parent says cancel the tour, the child immediately realizes who you love? What you love is not me at all, what you love is the good grades in our class, and what you love is the grades.

Therefore, we use this wrong way of communication, and we cannot establish unconditional love with our children. When you can't build unconditional love, your child is insecure inside. The end result is to spend a lifetime seeking security and becoming afraid.

Of course, we are not saying that unconditional love is to give up regardless of the child, how the child loves, this is a wrong perception. Rather, it means that while we love our children unconditionally, we set boundaries for them. That is, the child has done something wrong, someone must point it out, someone must point it out, to correct him, this will bring a sense of security to the child. Unconditional love does not mean coddling. Unconditional love is something that can be criticized.

But it should be noted that you want your child to know that I criticize you because I love you, because mom and dad care about you, so I want to resolutely stop you from doing something wrong. When you have established unconditional love with your child, the child will listen to you because you love him. Another point that needs to be emphasized is that before the age of three is the most important time point to help children establish values and establish behavior habits, so before the age of 3, we need to help children establish these abilities.

2. Sense of value

Unconditional love can bring a sense of belonging, and a sense of worth needs to be built for our children by our parents. How do you build a sense of value? That is, you want your child to know that he is valuable, he is capable, he can solve many problems by himself, and his self-esteem level will be high.

Emotional guidance can be effective in helping children build a sense of worth. That is to say, the most effective time to shape a child's behavior is not when he does something wrong, but when he does the right thing.

For example, many parents will hit their children regardless of whether their children behave well or not, saying that you are doing well this time, but don't be proud, there are many children who are better than you. This habitual blow can lower a child's self-esteem. People with high self-esteem have strong self-discipline, and conversely, their self-discipline will become worse.

Therefore, we must avoid habitually hitting the child, and when the child is doing the right thing, immediately stand up and tell him that you just did the right thing, say the specific reason, and then praise him. In doing so, the child will learn to stick to the right thing for the rest of his life by doing the right thing.

3. Lifelong growth mentality

Even if a person has love and a sense of value in this life, it is difficult for him not to encounter setbacks. But if after a setback, his first instinct is to run away, then he will never continue to grow. What really makes him keep moving forward is the mentality of lifelong growth. He saw every setback as an opportunity to learn.

Why is a person humble? Because he feels that the days are still long, and what I have achieved now is nothing at all. Why is a person honest? Because he knows this time the deal, only this time, we have a long life ahead, and we need to build a better credit system. So he's honest. Why does a person work hard? Why does a person have the courage to try? Why does a person have the courage to accept the challenge? The mentality behind your investigation must come from lifelong growth. I can keep changing, I can keep improving.

So how can we help children to build a lifelong growth mindset? First of all, we should learn not to label our children with a lot of labels. For example, how can you be so stupid, it is so bad compared to the child next door, others are better than you, and so on. We often say not to compare with others, but to compare with ourselves, this is the truth, we do not need to win over others, what we have to do is to let ourselves grow every day is enough.

Therefore, when cultivating the mentality of children's lifelong growth, the first thing parents can do is: do you have a fault tolerance rate, and whether you have enough patience for your children. When you affirm a child's behavior, you affirm the result of the behavior or the motivation behind the behavior. The most important thing is to know the motivation behind your child's behavior.

Therefore, when we praise children, we must not simply say, baby you are awesome, baby you are really amazing, but to analyze with the child, this thing is successful why, the previous efforts have brought us rewards. Let him feel the process of practicing, feel the process of learning. Setbacks themselves bring a sense of experience, which can help children establish a lifelong growth mentality.