Fan Deng: Graduated from Xi'an Jiaotong University, won the "National Famous School Debate Invitational Championship", hosted CCTV's "12 Studios" and "Samsung Intelligence Express" and other programs, Ph.D. in Film Studies, Beijing Jiaotong University Star Teacher... In 2013, he resigned to establish the "Fan Deng Reading" company named after himself and became famous in one fell swoop.
He rose to fame because of the founding of "Fan Deng Reading", and he has also made tens of millions of families fall in love with and benefit from reading. Needless to say, Fan Deng is a very successful entrepreneur. But what few people know is that his most proud and comfortable identity is actually his father...
There is the best way to do it in the book
At 6:30 p.m. on January 19, 2021, Fan Deng came to the "Fan Deng Reading" office of a building in Beijing's Haidian District. Half an hour later, he will be with Yu Dan in a live interview with a parenting channel of a website. "We can have an interview that lasts 28 minutes. When the live broadcast is over, we will continue to talk. Because I had to rush home before my son went to bed. Fan Deng told reporters.
After the establishment of "Fan Deng Reading" 8 years ago, Fan Deng was very busy. At most, I have to travel more than 100 times a year, so busy, where is the time to spend with my family? Fan Deng said that in addition to business trips, other times are at home.
Every time he meets at his son's school, he must also attend. His work revolves around "books": reading, recording, and writing books, all of which can be done at home. Therefore, Fan Deng spent much more time with his son than many people.
Fan Deng's son is called Toot Toot, 13 years old, and he is in the first year of junior high school, and he is the protagonist who often appears in his father's books and courses. In his father's eyes, Toot is independent, confident, and not rebellious at all.
On the day of the interview, Toot had just finished the school's final exam. A 13-year-old adolescent boy, who has just taken the final exam, the atmosphere in the home is said to be very tense. But Fan Deng confessed that their family laughed and laughed every day. Toot toot is happy to go to school every day and go home happy. "These days, as soon as he comes back, he reviews the day's exams with me. Whichever problem is ten to nine, which problem is done wrong, he will say, and I will definitely put down my work and listen carefully. ”
Speaking of Toot Toot, Fan Deng's happiness overflows into words. Why not? Because for him, raising, accompanying and educating children is the most meaningful thing in the world.
But when Toot was still in his mother's belly, Fan Deng was anxious for a while, worried that he would not be a father. He bought a lot of parent-child and parenting books, read them locally, took notes, and shared them with friends. The moment He landed, he was suddenly not anxious or afraid.
The idea of founding "Fan Deng Reading" was also slowly born after he read a large number of parent-child books to alleviate his father's anxiety. "Everything in the world has tools and methods, and it's interesting that once a lot of things are written in a book, people don't want to believe it."
Fan Deng said that many parents are accustomed to learning from other people and then feel that it is normal to yell at their children, collect their mobile phones, and stare at their children to write homework. Even if it pains both generations, parents still feel that this is the right way to educate their children. In fact, how to educate children, the secret is in the book.
Just as if we read the Analects and the Tao Te Ching today, we will find questions that are usually very distressing, but in fact, these have long been answered in ancient books. Confucius said, "I have tasted all day without eating, and I have not slept all night, and it is useless to think, so it is better to learn." That's the point.
Fan Deng said that reading books can let us master the most effective methods, and those parents who are accustomed to reading books are certainly much easier and more relaxed than parents who copy the experience of others.
What to read and how to dispose of the phone: The child decides for himself
The most common thing in Fan Deng's family is books. He reads books every day and usually likes to share the books he reads with Toot Toot. Of course, toots also like to read, and there are many kinds of books that are involved. But what books the child reads and how long they read, Fan Deng never interferes.
Not long ago, the first grade of the toot online to buy a third grade math book, Fan Deng asked him why? He said "because I like it". Because of the textbook of the second year of junior high school, he had already finished self-study.
"Parents are better off not worrying too much about their children, prescribing what books he reads, or what kind of books to ask him to read in grades." Give the child a family environment where he can read books at any time, let him have as many books as possible, he will choose what to read, and he will definitely read useful. Fan Deng said that every child is alive, please believe that he will find the book he wants to read, and will definitely find the road he likes.
Fan Deng's parents are both teachers, his father teaches mathematics, and his mother teaches Chinese, but both of them like to read, which has a particularly great impact on Fan Deng. Although his parents are both teachers, Fan Deng admits that they are not strict at all. When other parents force their children to read certain books in order to get their children high scores, he is free to choose what he likes. His parents did not bother to stare at his studies, but Fan Deng had to pass the exam every time, and the road of life became more and more spacious.
The way his parents treated him subtly influenced Fan Deng, and also made him feel at ease and full of accomplishment after becoming a father, but it looked very different from many parents.
Many parents are worried that their children are addicted to mobile phones, either do not let their children touch mobile phones, or strictly control the time to play with mobile phones. But when Toot was in the first grade of elementary school, Fan Deng bought him a mobile phone. He has his own number, WeChat, joins family groups, classmate groups, and downloads games and apps that he thinks are interesting.
"He does a lot of things with his phone, but when he gets to the point of playing, he goes to write homework and read books." Fan Deng said. When parents help their children build self-control, mobile phones will become tools to help children develop.
Toot said that the old play mobile phone is particularly boring, because there are many more important and interesting things in life than playing with mobile phones. He has this perception because he has made rules for using his phone since the day he got his phone. The rules are made by Toot himself, and he can decide for himself when to play and how long to play. Fan Deng would never say anything like "give me the phone" or "put it away right away" because he could control it himself very well.
Toot plays games on his phone, chats on his phone, and listens to books read by his father. "He also learned to make cakes and pizzas with Little Red Book and Douyin." Fan Deng said that the cakes made by Toot Toot when he was 10 years old reached the level that they could be put in the window and sold. And this kind of skill, few parents can teach.
When to study, how long to play with the phone, this schedule, Fan Deng let Toot make it himself. Not only mobile phones, in daily life, Fan Deng has also been guiding children to do a good job in time management. "Tell your child the concept of 'things first' as soon as possible, and arrange important things during important time periods." Toot made his own mobile phone usage schedule, and Fan Deng helped to make simple revisions.
What should I do if my child does not strictly implement it? Fan Deng said that this is too normal, how can the child follow the rules every second? Parents don't have to be too real, just give enough affirmation and explain why where he is trying to do it, the more times, he naturally knows how important "things first" is.
Don't compete for who has the final say, the child's brain can develop normally
"In the process of educating children, parents should turn every interaction into an opportunity for children to decide. It is foolish to compete with the child for who said it, because in the final analysis, the child's life can only be decided by himself. Fan Deng said that the children who can be the masters have self-confidence, and naturally know that 24 hours a day must be prioritized and prioritized.
We often say that parents are a mirror for children, but many times, the role of parents as an example is actually very limited. Fan Deng said that the first thing parents should do is to let the child's brain mature normally. Only in this way can the child not shout at his parents without moving, and when he encounters any problems, he is willing to tell his parents.
"Toot will cry when he is unhappy, but he is never hysterical. Because his amygdala is not so developed. Fan Deng said that people's self-control comes from the cerebral cortex, and self-control is determined by the size of the amygdala, and the larger the amygdala, the worse the self-control.
When parents treat their children with yelling all day, the child's cerebral cortex cannot develop normally, and the amygdala grows abnormally. So adolescent children slammed doors, slammed mobile phones, ran away from home at every turn, and even threatened with death.
Why is that? Because many parents stare at their children's every move, writing an assignment will be scared half to death by endless scolding. How can a child learn well and feel happy when he spends 80% of his energy dealing with out-of-control parents? When his nerves are in a tight state, the amygdala will continue to swell until the emotions are out of control.
"If one or both parents are grumpy and punish the child at every turn, the child will be full of pressure." Under the principle of the human brain, stress will cause the amygdala to be often in a stress state, become more sensitive, and the child will be on the spot. Fan Deng said that when Toot was still in his mother's belly, he and his wife did not speak loudly, did not lose their temper with each other, and since today, There has never been a fierce quarrel in the family, and they have never taught their children without punishment. Toot never loses his temper or plays tricks because his cerebral cortex (cerebral cortex) has been developing normally, and the amygdala is not particularly large.
"Most of the pain of Chinese parents is not from their children's disobedience and rebellion, but from their reluctance to learn and ignorance of brain science, psychology and communication skills." Fan Deng said that brain science, psychology and communication skills are essential skills that parents should learn, and if they are mastered, the process of raising children will be easy and happy.
Wise parents, the process of raising and educating their children is easy and happy. Because they can read on their own, in the process of accompanying and educating children, there is always a way to keep the family atmosphere in a low-pressure state. When children live in such a family, the only pressure they have to face is academics, and excellent academic performance becomes a matter of course.
"Lovers in love, even if they are thousands of miles apart, will not shout loudly when they call, as long as they love each other, they can also hear each other whispering." Couples quarrel and parents need to yell loudly when they teach their children because their hearts are too far apart. When the two hearts are too far apart, it is useless to roar loudly. Fan Deng said that if the child is happy every day and has enough security, his grades will not be too bad, and his sense of happiness must be very strong.
Make your home the most relaxing place
Children will surely become the happiest people
"My wife and son and I especially like to go home, and during the COVID-19 pandemic last year, we spent 8 months at home, but every day was very fulfilling and happy. Because our home has always been the most relaxed place. ”
Fan Deng said that when Toot was in elementary school, he was particularly depressed when he came back from school one day. Fan Deng asked him what was wrong? Beep said, "I wrote a wrong word today. Fan Deng asked him curiously what he had written wrong? Toot replied in a low voice, "Fan Deng's 'Deng'." ”
Fan Deng smiled, crouched down and said to Toot, "You know, you did this very advanced in ancient times." This is called 'keeping a secret for His Holiness'. The name of the father, the name of the emperor, the son, the courtier can not be used directly when writing, must be written a wrong word can be, which in ancient times was called 'loyalty and filial piety'. So don't be sad, go to school tomorrow and tell the teacher that you are right to write the word "Deng" incorrectly. Beep laughed. Replaced by other parents, the child can not even write their own name is a big rebellion, anxious will be a stick to serve.
There are many advantages in his son that make Fan Deng proud, such as he has never been late since he was in elementary school. "We never urged him to hurry up, never reminded him to 'be late.'" Fan Deng only educated his children on the concept of time once.
7-year-old Toot to go to a class reunion with his father, he was ready early, and kept urging: "Daddy hurry, or you will be late." Fan Deng felt that this was a good time to encourage the education of his son, and he crouched down and said to Toot, "Do you know the child?" You have one advantage that Dad really appreciates, and that's that you don't like to be late. Not being late, he said, represents respect for the dater. To get the respect of others, the first thing is to respect each other, because no one likes to deal with people who don't have a sense of time.
The best time for education is not when the child is wrong, but when he is doing it right. This is at the heart of education – igniting the inner vitality of a child. Children are willing to grow and learn, and can arrange their own learning and life. Fan Deng said that when education becomes a parent to arrange everything, parents urge children to learn, wake up children, help children correct problems, children will lose autonomy, parents will be tired to death, and children will not be happy.
"When it comes to educating children, if you feel particularly tired and make a lot of effort, you must be wrong." Fan Deng told us that by spending time and effort in advance to read and apply what he has learned, education and companionship with children will become the easiest and happiest thing in the world.
Whether a person can succeed is not something that can be achieved simply by scoring high and going to a good university. Success often requires luck, and it cannot be easily achieved through simple design. But whether a person feels happy or not, he can design, choose and promote from birth by his parents...