Author: Summer Summer
Many education experts say that many parent-child education problems stem from parental distrust.
But the average mom is often confused:
I obviously already trust the child, why can't he feel it?
Just blindly trust the child, will the child let go of himself and go astray?
Some time ago, I had the honor of having an in-depth conversation with two well-known highly educated Sanwa mothers, Mr. Li Yinuo and Teacher Promise, who graduated from Tsinghua University and Penn Wharton respectively, on "Trust" in "One Land and the Whole Village".
Yinuo Li (left) is the former chief representative of the Gates Foundation's China office and co-founder of Yitu Education and Slave Society; And Promise (right) is the founder of the Dandelion Family Coaching Center and the former founder of the first children's clinic in Shanghai.
As "other people's mothers", their common point is to recognize the power of "trust" at the bottom, and exert trust to the extreme, raising children with full internal drive.
So, where is the boundary between "trust and coddling"? What does it take to be truly "trusted"? In the face of urgent further education, how can parents trust them?
How to "trust" a child's misbehavior?
Promise has raised three very good sons, and she is also a experienced home coach who has seen a lot of "difficult diseases".
She found that the root cause of the parent-child relationship is the lack of trust between parents and children.
She has met too many parents and turned their homes into school accessories. Especially when faced with the "hard battle" of further education, when encountering "roadblocks", almost every parent has a moment to stand against the child, uniting the school, society and the external evaluation standards to "bully" the child together.
Parents at least let their children feel, "Mom and Dad are in the same group as me, not a joint school to suppress me." ”
How can you trust and guide your child when they make a mistake? Teacher Ying mentioned a secret: to separate people and things.
For parents, what we trust is the person standing in front of us, the person we bring from the "small point" to the present, rather than fully trusting the child to do this. Things don't criticize the person, but don't label the child as a person.
In high probability, people will be affected by their own subconscious, and the longer they grow, the more they will look like the label that others have laid for themselves.
When the child makes a mistake, the parents should be curious to understand the reasons behind it, find the crux of the problem, and then solve the problem with the child.
One of the biggest headaches for parents is that children play games.
Some parents complain that their children can't stop playing games, they will feel that they have given their children trust, and the children also say that they will not play, but the children are caught secretly playing games. A few times the parents felt that of course they could no longer trust him, so they had to control him.
But there are many reasons for playing the game itself, such as socializing, escapism, etc., and parents have to find the inner reasons, rather than using this as a cornerstone of distrust of their children.
If this is the case, the parents push the child away in their hearts, the child does not feel the acceptance from the parents, and the problem may become bigger and bigger.
"False trust" or "true trust"?
"If you divide trust into three levels, it's easy for parents to understand which level they are." Ichino, who is particularly good at decomposing problems, said.
■ Yinuo, the founder of the one-land education and slave society
· The first layer of trust, the shallowest level, is language, which is what many parents often say to their children.
· The second layer is action, which is the first reaction of parents when there is a problem.
· The third layer is the state of the parents' hearts, which cannot deceive people.
Some parents may be angry, sad, and humiliated because their children have poor grades or done some troubles, or have not met their own requirements, and push their children far in their hearts. The child is actually very sensitive, he can perceive the truth and falsehood of the parents.
Yinuo believes that most parents may have such an experience, so to assess whether they really trust, if they find themselves "false trust", Yinuo recommends that everyone go back to the bottom of education to see, what they give to their children is "unconditional love" or "conditional love"?
When the child is just born, we are unconditional, as long as we are healthy and happy, but as the child grows up, a lot of additional conditions are slowly added, such as good grades and obedience.
Therefore, seemingly unconditional love is actually conditional love, but Yinuo pointed out that this is the common sentiment of people, and what we have to do is to deliberately practice some positive parent-child communication methods to achieve unconditional love and achieve "true trust".
Yinuo gave two very practical suggestions that parents can use directly:
The first is to use more positive language, affirmatively before criticizing.
For example, if the child is in trouble, the parents can first find the praiseworthy part in this matter, and then criticize, and let the child be responsible, and use positive language to remind him to avoid such things in the future.
The second is to say Yes as much as possible about the child's requirements.
Yinuo shared a small story, her daughter would ask for a hug when she was a child, but she was particularly tired, so Yinuo said that hugging is OK, but we have to count, count to 10 and come down?
The child said no, I have to count to 1000 before I come down. She thought, I must say yes, so I said yes, then let's go to 1000. But the child can't count 1000 at all, and she comes down when she reaches 20.
After this incident, Yinuo thought that the parents' homework was whether they dared to say yes to the child's "1000".
When we dare to say yes to the child, the child will feel that he is fully accepted, which is the real trust, and on this basis, it is possible to continue to talk about the topic of "internal drive".
"Trust" is not "coddling"
Then many parents will say that if all the needs of their children are met and there is no sense of boundaries, is this not coddling?
In Yinuo's view, trusting children is not to unconditionally meet all the needs of children, but to provide a positive response for children and set boundaries on this basis.
For example, if the child says that I want to play with water, then the parents say yes, and at the same time say clearly what the prerequisites for playing with water are, rather than directly saying that it is too dangerous to let the child play.
In fact, because the child has a clear boundary, the feeling is "accepted", and the child who is accepted is easier to digest and absorb, internalizing this sense of boundary.
Therefore, the setting of the boundary is very exquisite, and the setting is too conservative and imprisons the child, how to find this balance?
The promised teacher said that parents can give their children two levels of safety and let them develop freely.
The first level is the child's personal safety, which requires parents to help minor children avoid environmental risk factors and protect them.
The second level is the child's psychological security in the face of a new situation. Such a "new situation" is likely to be a small challenge that adults feel insignificant, such as the first time to go to the supermarket to buy something, the first time to talk to children they don't know, the first time to ride a bicycle, and so on.
Giving enough security, naturally more able to cope with new situations and new challenges, this is a positive cycle.
Trust the hardest lessons:
Parents get rid of the hijacking of the "little me"
It is still very difficult to firmly believe in the "positive cycle", to truly "wait for the flowers to bloom", and to believe that children can find their own way, and it is necessary to practice all the time.
Even Teacher Ying, who is a home coach, still feels that he will be hijacked by his own "little self".
She was very anxious when her eldest son applied for college, but the son always said Mom, don't worry. But three days before the deadline for application, she couldn't stop flying to the United States, invited him to a meal, and tried to help him read the paperwork.
In the middle of the night, she finally received an email from her child, looking at it with two eyes and one black, writing completely that did not meet her requirements, and only countless times in her heart was "What the God does".
But she reminded herself to be calm, to believe in the child, and at this point, everything was the child's own business. The next morning, she gave her child some advice on paperwork, saying, "This is a mother's idea, and it's up to you to decide how to do it." ”
Later, when the child was admitted to the Fujian University of Pennsylvania, she realized that under the education of trust, the child's sense of boundaries, self-management, self-drive and safety awareness are actually very strong.
Therefore, one of the hardest lessons in trust is to get rid of the hijacking of the "small self" and give up the obsession of "I am right, you have to listen to me".
Then, there are parents to say, the entrance examination is in front, the child is not in a hurry, the time is limited, who dares to trust the child at the expense of the child's future?
■ From not daring to have children to Sanwa's mother, Yinuo shares many stories of how she broke through herself in the face of child anxiety in her book, which is worth watching.
On this point, Yinuo pointed out that parents should not consider these problems before the big exam, and should establish long-term thinking as soon as possible, so as not to be overwhelmed, which is what parents should worry about, and we should also assume "what to do if you haven't taken the exam" early, leaving more choices for your children.
But the world will change so much in the future that we can't imagine how quickly social inclusion will iterate.
Therefore, the course of "trust", in the final analysis, is still the self-learning of parents, so that they can first see a wider and wider world and unlimited possibilities, then parents have a full sense of security.
Only when parents have a sense of security can they trust their children from the bottom of their hearts, and children can have more confidence and belief.
Then, no matter how bad things are, he can also turn it into a good thing.
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This article is reproduced from the public account [Guyu Planet], pay attention to us, see "the story of 100 middle-class mothers", and use the real fight against anxiety to solve the problem of middle-class parenting.