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Since the liberalization of the two-child policy, many families have ushered in a second child. With more and more families with two children, many families are facing some family problems while welcoming the arrival of the second little life, such as ignoring the feelings of the eldest in the family because of taking care of the second child, so that the boss has a feeling of being abandoned by the parents and thinking that the parents are eccentric. Some children even develop rebellious or abnormal behavior as a result. Just the other day, a friend came to me to chat and told me about something that had upset her for many days.
It turned out that the second eldest of the friend's family was already one and a half years old this year. When the second eldest was born, it was the old man in the family who asked for it, saying that the eldest was too lonely, so it was good to have a companion. Later, she really couldn't stand the soft grinding and hard bubbles, and she also felt that the boss was quite lonely, so she gave birth to the second eldest. At that time, she still felt that she was very sorry for the second eldest, after all, the arrival of one life was actually to alleviate the loneliness of another life.
Who knows, when the second brother really arrived, everything changed. Grandma and grandpa came to help with the children, and every day they only cared about the second eldest, the reason for this, the old man's explanation was "who makes the child small."
As a result, one day the friend came home early at noon and found that the eldest was nibbling on instant noodles in the room alone, and the two old men took the second brother to take a nap in another room. Seeing this scene, the friend burst into tears, she really did not expect that the boss would experience this.
So, she came to ask me if all second-child families are facing such a problem, a bowl of water is really uneven. In fact, this problem really brings trouble to many second-child families, and someone once said, "Eccentric children are different, eccentric parents are the same."
Although they are all born to one parent, children are different for their parents. Many parents have "accidentally" taken a side of one of their children for various reasons.
01 There are many reasons to like children, and there are more reasons to be eccentric
This has been the case since ancient times. Especially in the past, in order for her son to be able to live well, daughters often had to make great sacrifices.
However, in 2020, Luo Luo, a girl who was engaged in art work in a company in Hangzhou, went to the Qiantang River to relax because of a bad mood, unfortunately encountered an unexpected death at high tide, and the unfortunate fall of young life, everyone was very sorry, but the next scene that happened was a big surprise.
Lolo's parents claimed from the company after Lolo's death, and the company gave a pension of 60,000 yuan, but her parents claimed 410,000 yuan from the company, on the grounds that they were buying a house for their son to save a down payment. After the news broke, many netizens were indignant, and some of the news on Luoluo's Weibo also revealed a lot of information.
It turned out that her parents preferred sons to daughters, and her parents only contacted her when they asked for money, and usually did not care about her, and even her father even said that there was no contact with Lolo, not even a phone number. What apathy. But under such indifferent affection, they are still constantly squeezing Lolo.
Lolo's Weibo is full of longing for family affection and sadness about his parents' coldness. The preference of parents over sons has led to a series of tragedies, countless, but it is certain that this has hurt girls the most.
Parents always emphasize the big to the small.
In daily life, whenever there is a contradiction between children, parents will always say a word, you are an older brother / sister, you let your younger brothers and sisters point, even if the small one does not do it right, parents will let the big let the small.
Hunan Satellite TV once had a program about education, in which a little girl named Xinxin directly accused her parents of eccentricity on the high stage, and once she had a conflict with her sister, her parents asked her to let her sister, saying that she was a sister and could not bully her sister.
Xinxin finally plucked up the courage to ask her father in the show, "Can you stop thinking about what you think, can you try to believe her once." ”
Father's answer turned out to be. "She doesn't understand things when she's young, and you don't understand things either?"
It is this sentence that reflects the attitude of too many parents. In fact, this practice of parents is wrong. Treat children can not be because of their age to pay for the mistakes of the younger one, to educate children to do the wrong things to have the courage to bear, rather than to be young and unscrupulous. Nor is it wrong to ask another child to be wronged in order to reduce disputes.
Parents prefer children who are sweet-mouthed and behave well.
As the saying goes, "children who cry have milk to eat", and sweet-mouthed children often get more favoritism from their parents.
Everyone loves to hear good things, and parents are no exception. A sweet-mouthed child who can please his parents will naturally get the favor of his parents, and a child who performs well and does not let his parents worry will also get the favor of his parents, just like when he was in school, the teachers liked the students with good grades.
The original Sui Dynasty Emperor Yang Guang, when he was not crowned prince, did things to cater to the Dugu Empress. Emperor Wen of Sui and The Dugu Empress were very frugal, so the Dugu Empress was very unhappy with the extravagant life of the crown prince Yang Yong, and Yang Guang, in order to please the Dugu Empress, hid the Meiji in the family and kept the old woman as a servant. She and Concubine Xiao dressed particularly plainly, and the Dugu Empress did look at Yang Guang differently, and after deposing the crown prince Yang Yong, Yang Guang was made crown prince.
02 Parents are eccentric, how much harm will be caused to the child is far from imaginable
In a family with only one child, all the love of the parents is given to the child, there is no contrast, and there is no eccentricity. Many parents think that even if they have a second child, they can treat their children very fairly. In fact, many parents are often unconsciously biased, and they are not self-aware.
Someone once said: "95% of parents do not admit that they are biased, and the remaining 5% do not know that they are eccentric." ”
Some parents will feel eccentric and what can they do, anyway, they are all family, who is good or not good? In fact, this is not the case. How much influence the parents' eccentricity has on the growth of the child is far beyond the cognition of many people, not only has a negative impact on the growth of the child, but even affects the child's life after adulthood.
First, the child will have self-doubt and become less confident
In a variety show, there was a little girl on the roof who accused her parents of being very eccentric, treating herself and her sister with double standards, and even questioned whether her parents were their own children or not, why they were so eccentric. This is a small child's accusation of eccentricity towards his parents. Parents think there's nothing remarkable about it, but, for children, it's a "big deal."
Huang Zhizhong once said in the show, "Only when I feel that I am respected, I will think about whether I am going to let others." Many parents are just the opposite, they will be in front of their younger siblings to belittle their older siblings and blame them. This will damage Xiao Bao's values, and second, make the boss undignified and feel looked down upon by his younger siblings. ”
When a child feels that he is not respected because of the eccentricity of his parents, he thinks that he is not liked at home, and he will not be respected outside, so they will become sensitive and inferior, and even in adulthood, they will often have doubts about themselves, thinking that they can't do it, that's not good. As a result, it is difficult to establish good interpersonal relationships with others, and doctors are trapped in them.
Second, children will have difficulty building a sense of security because of a lack of love
There is a passage in "The Power of Play", "At the heart of the sibling rivalry is a series of profound and universal questions raised by children: Am I loved?" Is it sincerely and absolutely loved? Am I needed? Is there anything special about me? Do I have the power? ”
Therefore, parents think that eccentricity is just a small matter within a family, and some children just can't accept it. The truth is that the child is really not exactly fighting for a toy, or a right, what the child really wants is to feel the parents' love for himself through his parents' words and deeds to himself, and to confirm that he is still the one who is loved.
Life often encounters such a scene, some children are obviously very large, but when the younger brothers and sisters are born, the eldest is like back to the childhood, let the hug when sleeping, let the parents feed when eating, some children can not even urinate. Parents will feel that the boss is deliberate, that is, "demon".
The parents are right, the boss is indeed "demonizing", but he is not to make trouble, just to regain the attention of his parents. Children will simply think, "Younger siblings have done this, and you will give them more attention because of this, so I will do the same." ”
In his heart, this phenomenon is called regression, which is nothing more than the insecurity of the older child, so he began to imitate the child, hoping that he could be cared for like a child.
Many people will become very sensitive and insecure because their parents are eccentric and unappreciated from an early age, and even in adulthood, they will be affected by this and become vulnerable, as long as someone is slightly better to him, they will become dependent on each other and lack the ability to distinguish.
In the end, the child will have a weak relationship with the family
Previously, there was a debate in one issue of "Strange Story" that was "Should parents teach their brothers and sisters to let their younger siblings go" Actor Hu Ke said such a thing when debating, Hu Ke used to often educate Anji, "You are the boss, you should protect your brother, let your brother, not bully your brother." ”
When the two children have an argument, Hu Ke always asks his brother to be sensible. Finally, after being criticized by his mother once, the brother vented his anger on the younger brother, and he squeezed the small fish fiercely, and his mouth was still chanting: "I am so miserable now, I am all killed by you." ”
Parents always feel that what they are doing is to help their children reconcile contradictions, in fact, this can only be a kind of harm to children who are required to be sensible and not favored. Not only will he be insecure, but he will also be estranged from his siblings. Even when he becomes an adult, he will be eccentric from an early age, and the relationship with his parents and siblings will be relatively weak and fragile. The influence of this original family can even cause the children to form their own families to become difficult to maintain. Some of the practices that many people do as adults may be influenced by childhood experiences.