I see a question on Zhihu: How do children who lack self-confidence from an early age feel?
The comments section saw a lot of answers:
Keep your head down, walk very slowly, and hide when you see people
Speak quietly
Don't dare to make eye contact with people
When there are many people, they basically do not speak
……
Why do people become inferior?
There are many reasons for low self-esteem, a large part of which come from the original family, the way parents treat them.
There are no people who are born with inferiority, and every child with inferiority often stands behind such several parents.
01
Emotionally neglectful parents
In the educational short film "Dear Alice", a little girl on the bus bowed her head and drew a picture carefully, and handed the painting to her mother with a look of anticipation.
But Mom kept calling and ignored her.
The little girl looked at her with a dim look, lowered her head, and then drew it, and then showed it to her mother again.
But Mom waved her hand indifferently and perfunctorily passed.
At this time, the bus bumped a little, the girl's paintbrush fell to the ground, she completely broke down, kneaded the painting into a ball, and threw it on the ground.
In this way, the mother still did not look at her, and the little girl sat quietly next to her, lost and aggrieved.
The little girl didn't want much, she just wanted her mother to look at her and admire her paintings. But this mother never looked at the child.
The Neglected Child says:
"Raising a child to become an emotionally healthy adult who can form healthy connections with others requires a certain amount of emotional interaction, empathy, and sustained attention from parents as fuel.
Without this necessary emotional connection, children may still succeed, but they will feel empty inside, like they are missing something necessary, they are struggling and struggling, but no one can see it. ”
Parents often perfunctory, cold attitude, or reject the child, prevent the child from expressing emotions, and express disgust to the child, such as "so annoying, crying what to cry, what to cry."
Children will have a sense of abandonment in their hearts, doubt their self-worth, and become inferior and sensitive.
When a child is not respected by his parents, he will naturally disrespect and value himself.
During the 0-6 years of age, the child especially needs the positive attention of his parents, to be seen, to be valued, which will make him feel that he is important and deserves to be treated well, and he will also treat himself and others well.
02
Love for children is conditional
"If you don't practice well, this weekend's outing will be cancelled"
"If you get to the top three this time, I'll buy you a bike."
"You're so unruly, mom doesn't care about you"
Think back to whether you've said something similar to your child.
Saying these words to children often will make children feel that parents will not love me for no reason, I must behave in line with their requirements, I am worthy of being loved, if I do not meet their requirements, this love will be taken back.
Researchers at the University of Georgia surveyed 174 children aged 11-12 and found that the more their parents used "withdraw love," the lower their children's self-esteem became.
Because of this kind of love, the child will feel fear in his heart, afraid that if he does not do well, he will be abandoned, lack of security, and thus become inferior.
03
Parents with demanding, percussive education
I remember when I was a child, I scored 98 points on the test, and my parents would say, "Where are the two points lost?" ”
When the performance is good, looking forward to the praise of parents, parents always say with a serious face: "Continue to refuel, don't be proud."
China Youth Daily once conducted a survey of 2006 young people aged 18-35 and found:
As many as 90% of the young people surveyed admitted that their parents had conducted a percussive language education for themselves, and 59.7% of the young people said that such education made them become inferior and accustomed to denying themselves.
Parents who are accustomed to suppressive education always focus on where their children do not do well and where they need to make up for it, so they constantly ask their children to correct their mistakes, make up for their deficiencies, and become the so-called better themselves.
There is nothing wrong with hoping that the child is better, but if the obsession with the hope for the child's perfection is too deep, it will lead to the child's inability to see the true and beautiful side of himself, which will seriously dampen the child's sense of self-worth and become inferior.
Such a child, when he grows up, no matter how much he has achieved, he will still feel that he is not good, cannot stop demanding of himself, is often tormented by anxiety, and cannot live easily.
Inferiority is essentially the rejection of oneself, feeling that you are not good enough and not worthy.
Therefore, if parents want to help their children overcome the pain caused by inferiority, it is best to do the following:
1. Accept all the shortcomings of the child, and with the eyes of discovering beauty, see the shining points on the child.
2. Express appreciation for them, so that the child will learn to accept himself and fall in love with himself.
3. Pay attention to the child's feelings, respect the child's choices, allow them to express their emotions, let the child know that his feelings are very important, and he deserves to be valued.
Inferiority not only comes from parents, physical defects, comparisons between brothers and sisters, comparisons between classmates, social competition, etc. may breed inferiority feelings.
But fortunately, parents can use love and acceptance, attention and respect to inject strength into their children's hearts. No matter what challenges he encounters in the future, he will have the courage to fight against this world.
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