[Meng Xin Book Reviewer] No. 28
Title: "Galaxy Wants to Turn a Thousand Mountains Dance"
Author: Ye Shuofeng
Publishing Platform: The Starting Point
Current word count: 80,000
Medium writing! Mainly too verbose, a lot of descriptions are too detailed and not clear enough, it is better to simplify.
I casually took two pictures, one was a depiction of the ancient mirror, and the other was a depiction of the two protagonists entering the Immortal Realm.
On the one hand, there is no need to write so detailed, and on the other hand, these descriptions are also very general, but they expose your shortcomings, and many similar ones will not be listed in a list.
In addition, the style of these descriptions is not very consistent, some are half-written and half-white, and some are vernacular. I suspect that there are some descriptions that the author Baidu reprocessed. So it feels incoherent and the style is inconsistent.
If you can't get rid of those fine words, you can use the big vernacular, and if you don't have enough pen power, you can make less of these overly detailed descriptions.
In fact, what does most readers look like to a mirror? What does it look like to a jungle? It's not so much of a concern, it's more important to tell a good story.
If you only write this in one or two places, it's fine, but you write it this way in most places, and it feels wordy. This is a privilege that people with excellent writing have.
In terms of plot, the span of the opening chapter is a bit large, the front has been in the rhythm of the college entrance examination, suddenly the birth mother disappeared in situ, and then there is the Cultivation Immortal Realm, and it is said that our world is a world in a magic weapon, and this span is too big.
Too much span can give people a sense of nonsense, although the novel is essentially nonsense, but you also have to consider the level of acceptance of people.
And the college entrance examination paragraph does not seem to have much to do with the plot behind, so what is its role?
I don't think the whole direction of the opening story is a big problem, but this college entrance examination does not have much effect, and I feel that I can change it.
Change the plot that has a connecting effect on the following plot and has a prompting effect.
I thought of a random one, for example: the protagonist knows from an early age that his parents are skilled, and even spells. The protagonist offends the underworld, which wants to kill the protagonist, and the real identity of the parents is the protagonist's bodyguard.
Parents can not be immortals, they are ordinary earthlings, but they have spiritual roots, but the aura of the earth is too thin, so their realm is very low, in order to save the protagonist, they can be shot and seriously injured or die, and then reveal the true identity of the protagonist.
The plot behind can only be said to be very general, or relatively verbose, I officially read chapter 14 it seems that the plot is completely rushing to xiu immortals.
But I looked at the back of the table of contents, jumped to chapters 23 and 24, the protagonist is back in our world, the main content is to come back to pretend, get some information.
Moreover, this outfit is not successful, there is no cool feeling. I still have a big question, what is the use of arranging for the protagonist to come back? It doesn't feel very useful!
Or what is the purpose and motivation for arranging for the protagonist to return to the real world? As mentioned in the text, when you reach the realm of so-and-so, it seems that you can freely travel back and forth between the two worlds.
Even if the protagonist can walk freely in the back, how does the author want to use this gold finger? Such a major thing should be pointed out immediately.
Want the protagonist to be the inverted master of two worlds?
Or does bringing the protagonist back into our world promote the protagonist's cultivation?
Or is it that the protagonist will mainly mix with our world in the future?
In either case, you are not clearly located and the subject is unclear.
Being able to travel between two worlds is a giant gold finger that starts with a named theme.
And now? I still have that question, what's the use of you getting the protagonist back on this trip? What is the purpose? What are the motives?
None, I didn't see it, the author didn't explain, how do you plan to let the protagonist use this gold finger? Is there anything to hide from this?
What is the main line? Let me give you an example, it's like saying that a person wins 5 million in a lottery ticket, and winning the lottery is a goldfinger, and how to spend this money is the main line.
The same is true in your novel, being able to travel between two worlds is Goldfinger, and how to use this Goldfinger is the main line.
And the author did not explain at all, the author may feel that he can walk through two worlds, not counting goldfinger, this is an ordinary plot.
The protagonist returns to our world without any purpose, can travel back and forth between the two worlds, and does not need to be used.
The words of the family, if there is something wrong, still look at Haihan.
