After the first "year" of double subtraction, did you reconcile with emotions?

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On the fifth day of the Chinese New Year, our family gave my sister-in-law a New Year's greeting.

Several cousins chatted about double subtraction in small talk, there was no happy look, only a weeping expression, and the tea was not drunk before it was drunk.

It reminds me of the final exams at the beginning of the year, when the family atmosphere has risen to a state of readiness. It's a response to the catchphrase: grades will tell you who's swimming naked!

Parents have shown different degrees of anxiety, cousins also broke the news that when they knew the results, they were out of control to beat their children, and everyone advised her to be calm, but her heart was also a secret turn of pain.

On the day of the graduation ceremony of his son, the parking lot staged a scene of the heart:

Three cars away from me, a mother went crazy with the test paper, and scolded the child for a while, and finally she was out of control to overturn the electric car in her hand, the school bag, vegetables and fruits were scattered on the ground, constantly pounding the railing and crying, a seven- or eight-year-old boy behind her, six gods and no master, panicked...

When my car flashed past them, I could clearly feel her rapid, heavy roar and anxious and helpless look!

Looking at the circle of friends, colleague circles, and parent circles around you, how many parents are not talking about discoloration of grades?

Whether it was before or now, even if the school does not score or rank, the score is still the most direct way for parents to evaluate the effectiveness of their children's learning in school, and in this era of anxiety, parents are mostly rushing to the results.

However, this destructive emotion of the parents, the child who ultimately pays the bill, is indeed the greatest tragedy of a family.

Not long ago, a family tragedy occurred in Wuhan:

A mother, a 40-year-old mature woman, who is a police officer serving the people during the day, went home at night to tutor her son who had just entered primary school, and actually cut the child and sent it to the hospital, and chose to hang herself in the room after hurting the child.

Tiger poison also does not eat children, not to mention that she is still a national law enforcement officer and knows the law. This poor woman has hanged herself, leaving the child who has lost her mother in the hospital for treatment, and leaving the child with a childhood that may never heal.

Raising children, it is difficult for anyone! Everyone has been tortured by their children's learning, but they have only found a proper exit between collapse and self-healing, which is the cultivation that parents should have!

Many times, we always talk about "other people's children", but we don't think about how other people's parents face their children's problems.

Coincidentally.

That afternoon, we took the children to visit relatives' houses.

We adults sat in the courtyard chatting, and her second treasure ran out of the room and pulled her father aside, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, come and see."

My child's mother and I were curious to look at it, the three lipsticks that came out of the dresser were all broken, and the table was full of children's messy paintings, and I thought, if this is my child, I must not be able to bear to do it.

But the child's father looked at it, smiled spoiledly, picked up his daughter, and said, "Ah! You can still draw with your mother's makeup, what a genius! ”

Mom also added a sentence: "It's good, it's just a bit monotonous." The lipstick color is too little, and the desktop is too slippery, and it doesn't look good when drawn, right? If you use crayons to draw on the picture book, the painting must be rich and better, right? ”

The child thought about it for a while, and came out to find a picture book and a crayon.

The child's behavior has deviated, and their approach is to put the problem on hold, not busy giving the child a "lesson", but telling the child that she is very proud of her behavior, and then giving appropriate guidance to make the child feel energetic and brave.

At that time, I saw for the first time what a child raised by a parent with a good mood looked like, her eyes always sparkled, and she was always so confident and brave in the exploration of the unknown.

They are ordinary people like us, they also need to go to work, take children, and have troubles, but they have learned to control their emotions, and even bad things can develop in a good way, and this way of raising children really gives us a good example.

A child psychologist once said that the parents' emotions are like a mirror, reflected in the child's brain, and he will affect the child's personality and personality development throughout life.

Do not underestimate their influence on children, parents' words and deeds, it is easy to become a reference for children, emotional violence, harm to children is fatal, will make children lack the minimum sense of trust and security in the world; and parents are emotionally peaceful and friendly, children will also be happier to see the world.

There is a famous effect in psychology called the "kicking cat effect."

A father was scolded by his boss when he went to work during the day, and he was very upset. As soon as I got home, I saw the child jumping around on the sofa, so I scolded the child. The child was also very upset, so he went to kick the cat that was rolling around him.

Generally speaking, the "kicking cat effect" refers to the adverse chain reaction of venting dissatisfaction with objects with low levels.

In real life, the "kicking cat effect" often occurs in the family parent-child relationship as mentioned in the above example.

When the parents are in a negative emotional state, whether it is anxiety or panic, or anger, if the parents lack the ability to perceive and manage emotions, the child is easy to become a victim of bad emotions in the family.

What is it like to be subjected to emotional violence for a long time?

Children's animation "children in the roar", the doll mother yells at the little doll as soon as she has an emotion, and every time it will shake the little doll to pieces, the head flies into the air, the limbs fall everywhere, and the body hangs on the roof... After countless tribulations, it is possible to restore the fragmented body piece by piece.

In my childhood, because the elders preferred sons to daughters, I had been used as a punching bag by my grumpy father, and at a young age, I became like walking on thin ice, afraid of making mistakes, pleasing my parents, and learning to be careful to avoid the emotional explosion of my parents. So that now that I am over thirty years old, sometimes I hear my father's voice and shiver with a reflection.

Have you ever seen such a topic on Zhihu: What is the standard of a good parent?

One of the most important of the answers at the bottom is to be an emotionally stable adult.

Let's talk about this final exam! My son's grades in every subject have declined, especially in Chinese, which is a record low! I couldn't help but be anxious and sad, and when I learned the score of 71 from his mouth, I almost didn't come up with a breath, and I wanted to explode.

But I struggled between reason and mind... At the moment when the four eyes met, he choked back the words in his throat and said calmly:

"Son, no one likes to fall, but how many times can they fall?" This 71 point is indeed what I expected, but so what? The point is whether you have a clear sense of your regression, right? ”

The son was silent for a few seconds, nodded vigorously, and the worry gradually receded from between his eyebrows.

My attitude and words always make my son a little surprised and happy, but he can also find that I have created an opportunity for him to introspect, then he can also admit his own problems, will learn to face problems bravely, and finally have the ability to correct mistakes and overcome obstacles.

Of course, my restraint was rewarded. On the third day, my son analyzed and marked the wrong questions in the test paper and the exercise book, and sorted them into a wrong question book for me to check. I refused the examination and instead said I believed him.

Raising a child is like walking a tightrope, a wrong step will hurt a small heart; in the same way, a proper encouragement can make them stride high in the air.

At every moment, what we do has the potential to interrupt their progress and hold them back, or it is possible to exhilarate them and promote them.

In life, there will always be such and such a situation, and it is normal for people to have emotions.

In fact, as long as we no longer label it as 'good or bad', we will not be bothered by all kinds of trivialities, and we will be mad at unnecessary small things, then we will reconcile with emotions!