Preface
Parents are always eccentric, and although they may try to make a bowl of water flat, there will always be one of the brothers and sisters who is the most favored.
But not only have I ever heard a friend complain to me that I am the most filial, the most capable, and the one who is the best for my parents, but the most pampered one is still the ignorant and unskilled child in the family.
What's more, a friend found that he honored the "pocket money" given to his parents, and was given to his brother by his parents, and his friends were angry, looking for parents to theory, but they were scolded by their parents.
These things seem counterintuitive and difficult to understand, but in fact, the psychological mechanisms behind them are quite simple. From a psychological point of view, this phenomenon occurs mainly for the following reasons.
1. Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance refers to the discomfort caused when people's behavior and attitudes are inconsistent.
The discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance will prompt people to make changes, either to adjust their behavior or adjust their attitudes to keep the two consistent, thereby alleviating the discomfort.
It is not difficult to see that the "filial piety child" is often the one who is more sensible and worry-free, and everything does not have to be worried about parents, and the good news is not reported.
The "favored children" are just the opposite, they often live their lives in a mess, and they affect the hearts of their parents all the time.
Parents will inevitably pay more for the "favored child", and at this time, the parents' "pay a lot" behavior and their attitude of "not loving this ignorant child" will conflict and produce cognitive dissonance.
This cognitive dissonance, once it occurs, will inevitably lead to a change in the behavior or attitude of the parents, and the parents often change their attitudes, that is, convince themselves that the child is the one they love.
The more parents pay for their children, the more they will pamper her, and the more they spoil her, the more they will give.
Second, the companionship of the moment is more important for parents (compensation psychology)
In many cases, the child who is more filial and gives more material wealth to his parents is often the child who is farther away from his parents.
For the sake of their careers and futures, they are away all year round, rarely accompanying their parents, and can only come back occasionally to see and compensate their parents with more and better material conditions.
At this time, the child who stays in his hometown and stays with his parents often has no better career development and does not have the ability to give his parents a better life.
But often the parents are more fond of the child who stays around, and sometimes even gives the money of the capable child to help him.
This is because, after parents are old, the need for material conditions is often not so great, and they pay more attention to the companionship of their children.
Even if children can't give themselves much pocket money, can't buy themselves expensive gifts, but they can see them all the time, and when they need it, children can appear immediately, which is what they need most.
It is not difficult to explain why children who stay at home pay so little but can get the favor of their parents.
epilogue:
People have narcissistic needs, and narcissistic needs refer to the sense of superiority that arises when helping others. And children are too good and too sensible, and parents do not feel that they are needed, which often damages their narcissistic needs.
This is also, why, to receive, is also a form of giving.
When you go home, accept the pie that your mother baked for you, and the basket of fruits and vegetables that her old man planted by hand.
Maybe these things are a burden for you to transport them back a long way, but for the old man, your acceptance and gratitude make him feel that he is needed and satisfies the needs of narcissism.
This is why sometimes children who do not grow up are more pampered by their parents.
In front of our parents, we don't have to be so good and sensible all the time, and proper dependence will make them happy. Seeing the needs of parents and being accompanied at the right time is sometimes more important than money.
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Have you ever felt like a parent loved other siblings more?
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The author | Shanhai
Edit | Mountains and Seas
The image | the source network
References | Journal of affective disorders