There are many videos on the Internet when tutoring children and dealing with children's daily conflicts. Some parents were yelled at angrily, even domestic violence. In an instant, emotions are ignited.
So, to say that the most difficult thing to do with raising a baby, I think, is emotional management.
Recently, there was an interview program called "Hello, Mom", in which Tao Hong shared her parenting experience:
If Dad is the pillar of a family, then Mom needs to be a "needle in the haystack" of a home to firmly stabilize the emotions of the whole family.
1
The powerful mother is the sea god needle in the family
The frustration on the way to parenting is like Song Qian in this year's hit drama "Little Joy", and Tao Hong herself has also experienced the same.
For example, the daughter's three-minute heat on various instruments. At first, my daughter wanted to learn piano, and when she came back from buying an electronic keyboard, the child would put her hands back and refuse to practice; then learn the wooden flute. As a result, Tao Hong could learn the song in 5 minutes, and her daughter did not learn it after practicing for half a year; she began to want to learn the cello. The customized piano was brought back, practiced for two days, fresh and energetic, and did not want to learn.
Tao Hong saw that her daughter was in such pain and said that she would never mention learning any musical instruments after that.
As a result, the daughter said: I don't want to learn cello, because I want to learn guitar...
Tao Hong was still not anxious, and patiently advised her daughter: "It's all strings, the cello is practiced, and the guitar is easier to learn."
Afterwards, Tao Hong carefully reflected on it: "Perhaps it is not the practice itself that makes the child miserable, but the child has been repeating a difficult thing, and he is nervously supervising on the side, keeping an eye on the score and correcting the technique, and the child will find it difficult to pass this hurdle." ”
She hasn't done that since. Soon after, the sound of the piano came from her daughter's room again.
Behind this is not only the knowledge of parenting, but also the ability to manage emotions when problems arise. When emotions are managed, all reflection and education can come to fruition.
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What prevents us from becoming the Needle of the Sea God?
Being a "fixed sea god needle" mother like Tao Hong is difficult for many people.
The reason is that adults habitually project their fears onto their children.
Fear is mainly due to these two points:
1. Fear of failure
Many parents cannot tolerate their children making mistakes, and in their minds: making a few more mistakes is almost equivalent to failure. They distort the meaning of "failure."
Failure is intolerable, and there are two misunderstandings behind it.
Parents lack an "empty cup mentality":
It is taken for granted that what adults know, children should also "know."
Once it is found that the child is a little inconsistent with their expectations, they exaggerate the fear of this "discrepancy" and think that the child is a mess.
Parents see their children's frustrations as their own failures, unable to separate themselves from their children and establish clear boundaries:
Adults' wrong definition of "failure" will cause them to think about how to punish children and "remember" instead of thinking about how to solve problems once they see children making mistakes.
2. Fear of negative emotions
When our children first learned to write, they often began to write in a daze, no matter how much I urged, I did not write, and sometimes I would collapse and cry.
I thought she was being lazy, so anxious that I stomped my feet next to her. At this time, my anxiety and my daughter's collapse filled the whole room.
I was more anxious to let her finish writing, so as to eliminate our emotions, but no matter how much I tried to coerce and induce, she just didn't want to continue writing.
But then I calmed down. At this time, I found that she had a habit when writing: to confirm with me that the previous word was well written and "good", and then continue to write the next word.
Later, I comforted her: first of all, whether it is written well or not, it is done carefully. That's when her writing really went smooth.
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How is fear transmitted between generations?
Much of our fear of failure and negative emotions stems from our lack of childhood experience, which is passed on to us by our parents and then to our children.
I remember the summer vacation when my daughter just graduated from kindergarten, and she would always be suddenly depressed.
One day she came up to me and said, "Mom, I think I'm in kindergarten, I don't want to go to elementary school." But my knee-jerk reaction was to blame her: You're too vulnerable.
Fortunately, before I blamed, I sensed the message behind my reaction: behind the vulnerability of blaming others, I actually could not accept my own vulnerability.
Thinking that vulnerability is a shameful thing, when you see the vulnerability of others, you can't help but want to suppress and hit.
Back to her daughter, in fact, her "vulnerability" is just nostalgia for the past.
This is not uncommon, even when adults encounter changes in the environment. So I walked over and hugged my daughter and said to her, "It's normal to be nostalgic for old things and afraid of new things, just like when you first go to kindergarten, you will cry, after a while, if you miss kindergarten, your mother can take you back to see at any time." ”
Then she began to shed tears, but after a while the crying subsided.
Accepting goodbye and adapting to something new takes a process, and it's bound to be accompanied by negative emotions, a process I want to experience with my daughter right now.
And if I don't perceive the reason behind the negative emotions, then I will unconsciously pass on this fear from generation to generation.
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How do you make yourself a sea god needle?
So what do you need to do to stop the intergenerational transmission of these fears and become a "fixed sea god needle" mother?
1. Correctly understand the meaning of "failure"
You know, the process by which parents react to "failure" is written down by the child, and when the next time they make a mistake, they will replicate the parents' response.
If the parents are afraid of failure, the child will also be the same, afraid of taking the responsibility for failure, becoming a person who has no self-confidence and no responsibility.
And if parents allow failure, the outcome is completely different.
To allow failure is to allow trial and error and to allow growth.
2. Change your perception of negative emotions and learn to deal with them
No emotion in itself is good or bad, right or wrong.
The appearance of negative emotions is just a reminder to adjust ourselves. So first understand and accept, and then guide.
The so-called understanding and acceptance is to allow it to exist and spend time with the child when she needs it.
In fact, many parents have emotional management problems in parenting, mostly because there is a misunderstanding when understanding the parent-child relationship: putting the child on the opposite side of right and wrong, losing and winning.
When there is a contradiction, it is necessary to fight for a win or loss, to prove that they are right, and the child is wrong, so they will often be full of aggression when expressing emotions.
But the essence of the parent-child relationship is a cooperative relationship.
Parents need to act as "allies" as their children grow up. When children encounter difficulties, providing advice, rather than adding fuel to the fire, can solve problems and grow together.
"We solve problems with our children, not with them." Once you have this understanding, presumably the parenting mood is not too much of a problem.