"Positive Discipline" Reading Note 13: Deal with emotions well, in order to effectively solve the problem

"Positive suspension" is one of the most common techniques used in positive discipline, not only for children, but also for parents.

When we are in an emotion, we cannot think rationally and it is easy to fall into the misunderstanding of venting emotions.

For example, speak humiliating language, or even threaten or beat people. Not only will this not solve the problem, but it will also damage the relationship between the two sides.

Similarly, when the child is in the mood, it is easy to be unable to communicate and be unreasonable.

Then, only by withdrawing from the current event first, and waiting for everyone to be calm enough to think rationally, can we effectively focus on solving the problem.

At the same time, we also need to prepare a solitude area for ourselves to feel better. This area can be called the "pause zone", "perk zone", or "happy corner".

With Active Pause, follow these four principles

1. Take the time to train.

Before using positive pauses, talk to your child about its role and explain to your child the importance of waiting for everyone to feel better before resolving a conflict.

A good way to teach your child to use "positive pauses" is for you to use it for yourself.

When your emotions come, tell your child, "I need to go to the pause angle to calm my emotions and make me feel better." Then go to your own pause angle to calm down.

The child will learn from our behavior what he can do when he is angry or sad.

Try practicing with your child, just like playing a game, and let him know when the place is being used.

For example, pretending to be angry and then saying I'm angry, I'm going to my pause zone to read a book. Then after going to the guard of the room for a while, he ran out with a smile on his face, especially exaggerated, and happily hugged the child and said, I feel very good now, I am not angry at all. Similarly, guide your child to play like this a few times on their own.

2. Let the children arrange their "pause zone" by themselves.

Let the child take the lead in arranging their own "pause zone" to help the mood improve.

A "positive pause" is not meant to punish or cause pain to the child. It's about helping your child feel better.

When both adults and children are in a good mood, let the child choose a place at home and put some toys, books, etc. that he likes and feels can help him feel better.

Let him give the pause area a name he likes, and tell him that he is in a bad mood later, and when he is angry, he can go to his place for a while, and after the construction, he can practice with the child when the atmosphere is good, so that he knows how to use this place.

3. Discuss a reminder plan with the children in advance.

A "positive suspension" must be made in a kind manner and respect the parties' own choices.

The most common method of pausing that parents have learned is, "Give me to my room for a while, and think about it, right?" ”

This does not achieve the purpose of "positive suspension".

To explain to your child, one of you will find that a "pause" is required before trying to solve a problem. Then, he can send out a timely reminder.

"Wouldn't it be better for us to go to the 'Happy Corner' first?"

If a child says "no" because he is angry, the parent can say, "Will you accompany me?" ”

If the child still says "no," you can say, "Okay, I think I'm going to my city." ”

Parents can send reminders or suggestions, but they cannot order or force their children to go to the pause zone, which becomes a punishment, which is not conducive to the child's feeling better, nor is it conducive to solving the problem.

At this time, parents need to go to the suspension area by themselves.

This can also set an example for children to show that the "pause zone" is not a punishment and not a bad thing.

4. Calm down and start to solve the problem

Teach your child that when they feel better, if the problem persists, follow up to find a solution to the problem or make up for it.

Parents can ask inspiring questions to help their children explore what the problem is? What is the solution?

Children can also propose to put the problem in a family meeting.

Not every time the "pause angle" calms down, the problem is solved. Sometimes, a "positive pause" is enough to interrupt the behavior in question.

Some parents believe that not criticizing and not punishing, and letting children go to the pause area to rest and play, is to indirectly identify with bad behavior.

"Positive pause" teaches children how to respect and deal with their emotions. Teach adults and children how to calm down before solving a problem, and then use rational thinking to solve the problem.