The article is not long, but it is really heartfelt, pay attention to learning psychology together, and life is not lost!
In everyday life, there are women who are smart and hardworking, who are good at school or at work, and who are not at all maladaptive or incompetent, even if they are not outstanding.
But what makes women feel sweet in their world is
A strange, distant feeling that makes them fear intimate relationships, difficult to start or continue to run a relationship, or even reluctant to enter such a relationship.
When asked about marriage and love by relatives and friends around them, they instinctively resist, get bored or be at a loss for this kind of "care" from all directions, and some people are even reluctant to go home, try to participate in as little or simply not participate in various parties, and prefer to go out alone, work out or stay at home, and only want to "let me be quiet".
Is it really quiet?
In fact, their hearts are not completely isolated from the outside world.
Whenever you see a sweet couple in a movie or TV show
Whenever I look at the pedestrians on the street who are passing by
Whenever you are tired from studying and working or are unwell and want to have a shoulder to lean on...
They are alone, and their inner loneliness and sadness often come unexpectedly, but... Thinking of those who had approached them, of the feeling of being with another person, I could only sigh, gently close the door, and be alone.
01What is intimate fear?
The so-called intimate fear refers to the fear of entering into a close interaction relationship with people that communicates frequently or even spends time together day and night.
This kind of woman with an affinity fear usually doesn't have much difficulty in general relationships.
Whether they are with classmates when they are students or with colleagues and bosses and clients after work, they can adapt, and even some of them are the "easiest people to get along with" in the eyes of classmates and colleagues.
They are kind and peaceful and polite to everyone around them, usually do not care about the gains and losses, and rarely clash with people.
But, deep down, they keep a distance from everyone, a safe distance, and don't get close to anyone.
Outside of this distance, they can talk and laugh with others at will, talk about heaven and earth, talk about learning and talk about work, but they don't talk about themselves, especially their inner joys and sorrows, these emotions can only be left to themselves.
Simply put, they are the "loners" living in the crowd, which is what we often say, it doesn't matter if they don't kiss anyone and leave no one.
02 The inability to build intimate relationships is an acquired obstacle!
Humans are social animals and are born with a need to build relationships with others, especially women.
The existence of these organs on the female physiological structure of the womb and the breast is naturally prepared for connection with another life, women's language expression ability is stronger than men, female babies usually speak earlier than baby boys, that is to communicate with others to prepare, girls get together always twittering and talking non-stop, the family is often women talk more men talk less... Because women need more relationships and more connections.
In this way, the inability to establish relationships with others is an acquired obstacle that violates a woman's nature.
So, what causes such a state of mind?
Although these women with intimate fears have reached the age of marriage, in fact, there is a weak little girl hidden under their adult appearance.
Women who usually have this kind of distress have had different degrees of intimate relationship trauma experiences in their formative experiences, and the sooner the trauma occurs, the greater the impact and the stronger the fear.
These traumas are often associated with separation from parents in infancy, frequent change of caregiver, neglect, degradation and even violent abuse in parenting, and the most serious and profound impact on an individual's psychological development is the experience of infancy.
Human babies are more vulnerable, have longer growth cycles, are more dependent on caregivers than other social animals, and therefore have a stronger need to build relationships with others, and when caregivers, usually mothers, are unable to meet this need for their babies for various reasons, it can lead to frustration in establishing relationships for babies.
Occasional frustrated babies can tolerate slow repair, but if the frustration is long-term continuous, it can lead to trauma, giving these children an adult impression that others are untrustworthy, unreliable, or even hurtful.
Usually these mothers are slow to respond to the needs of their babies for various reasons, such as depressed, anxious mothers, their own mood is low or excessively nervous.
When babies use crying to signal help or connection, mothers who respond and meet in time will slowly build up a sense of trust and dependence on their mothers, which is the emotional basis for everyone's intimacy with their partners as adults.
But depressed and anxious mothers may be indifferent to the baby or irritable or even reprimand and scold their children, these reactions of the mother will make the baby very confused and even desperate, they experience that no matter how they cry the outside world will not respond or even hurtful response,
These experiences slowly form the basis of their initial interpersonal feelings—rejection, abandonment, and hurt.
Growing up, these traumas are slowly hidden, but once the opposite sex signals affection or they themselves take the initiative to approach a certain person of the opposite sex, along with the approaching is the hidden infancy trauma experience is reawakened, and the instinctive self-protection prevents them from entering the relationship that makes them extremely uneasy, and only by fleeing can they return to the feeling of security - a person.
03How to get out of intimate fear?
So, how can women with such psychological distress get help if they want to get out of the predicament?
First of all, this is a somewhat difficult problem, because their difficulties come from people, and only by returning to their real relationship with people can they repair the distorted feelings of people in their childhood, but their difficulties are also the fear of approaching people, so this is a dilemma.
If the situation is not so serious, the fear is not so strong for women, and there is a strong desire to change, try to start in their own lives from the person they feel most secure to communicate with (same-sex opposite-sex, not necessarily partners).
Try to get along with each other with fear and uneasiness, try to slowly communicate with each other with your inner feelings and thoughts, experience different responses from childhood, and feel accepted and understood and cared for.
Over time, the inner feelings of people have new opportunities for correction, and as new interpersonal experiences accumulate, the former sense of fear will gradually decline.
But this process must not be short-lived, and there are certain risks, and real relationships must not always be comfortable, sometimes annoying and angry.
For women with intimate fears, they are more sensitive to disgusted eyes, ignoring actions, etc. than the average person, and their reactions will be more intense, and once the new relationship makes them feel hurt again, their fears may increase not only will not decrease, but may increase.
For an intimate relationship, there should be no fear.
Try to let go of the guard in your heart and heal with love, happiness and companionship