Shouting at the child will not make the child obedient, it will only push the child further and further.
If you want to raise healthy, sunny and excellent children, parents must give up yelling at their children and accompany their children to become better in understanding and encouragement.
Author | First peach
When I went to pick up my children from school yesterday, I saw this scene:
A little boy walked out of the school gate with his head drawn.
Holding an Ultraman cup that had been broken in half, his small mouth was flat, and he whispered to his mother that the cup had been broken by a classmate.
After speaking, the boy's gaze secretly glanced at his mother, his expression nervous, obviously afraid of being scolded.
Sure enough, the mother frowned and began to rebuke unstoppably:
"Who told you to take the cup to school? Well, the cup is gone, right? ”
"I told you yesterday not to bring it, you have to bring it."
"Now it costs money to buy a new one."
"Is it easy for me to make money? Why don't you understand at all? I don't know how to feel sorry for me? ”
……
Listening to the mother's rebuke for the constant "rise" of the subject, the little boy's head was buried lower, and tears fell.
As a bystander, I am really 10,000 distressed.
Such a scene is actually the norm in many families, when children make mistakes, no matter how big or small, parents will always unconsciously begin to rebuke:
The child accidentally knocks over the rice bowl, and the adult opens his mouth: tell you to be careful!
The child forgot to bring the homework book to school and was criticized by the teacher, and the adult's face sank: Why don't you go out in the morning and check it clearly?
No matter whether the parents' rebuke is light or heavy, for children, it is like an invisible knife, every sentence hurts, and the knife is deadly.
The ancients said, "Love is deep, responsibility is deep." ”
Behind parents reprimanding their children, of course, there is love for their children: they want their children to be better and not to make the same mistakes again.
But this expression of love is too rough and ineffective.
You know, children who are reprimanded when they make mistakes and who are not reprimanded will have very different lives in 20 years.
When I was a child, the neighbor's sister often came to my house to eat, and at night she would not leave.
Once I asked her why she didn't love coming home, her eyes were wet and she said:
"I'm afraid of my parents, they always scold me, they scold me for a little thing."
Indeed, I often hear scolding from their homes:
"Why did the exam regress again? You have such poor grades, what to do in the future! We'll raise you for the rest of your life? ”
"It's all such a big person, even the bowl of soup can't be served, what use can it be in the future?"
"I said it 10,000 times, I want to help throw away garbage before going to bed, why did I forget it last night?"
Every word was like a knife, piercing into the heart of me, an observer, not to mention the party.
Later, the young lady specially filled out the universities in other provinces for the college entrance examination, and rarely came back during winter and summer vacations.
After graduation, she stayed in the provinces to work, and did not even return home during the New Year holidays.
Her parents sometimes pulled my mom and complained, "This kid is indifferent! I have no conscience! ”
My mom and I exchanged a look, tacitly.
A survey of 1,000 minors conducted by the China Juvenile Research Center found that:
Children who are often scolded by their parents at home have the greatest chance of having character defects, with 25.7% of children "inferiority and depression", 22.1% of children "indifferent", and 56.5% of children often "irritable".
Children who are always reprimanded by their parents will build a high wall in their hearts to protect themselves while isolating their parents.
Not only that, children who are often reprimanded, when in danger, will also dare not seek help for fear of being scolded by their parents.
Ever saw a piece of news:
The child found smoke in the room in the middle of the night, but she did not dare to tell her parents, so she had to go to the living room to sleep with the quilt.
Later, the room caught fire, the parents woke up from smoke, called the police, and saved them from a disaster.
It turned out that because the child was often scolded by her parents on weekdays, when the room smoked, although it had nothing to do with her, she still had a preconceived idea that her parents would scold her.
Therefore, children would rather face danger alone than ask their parents for help.
Jimmy once said, "A child would rather be stabbed by a cactus than hear an adult's sneer at him." ”
Because physical injuries heal in a few days, but mental wounds can never heal.
A parent's rebuke is only a few seconds, but it will become a hidden pain for the child's life.
There was a topic on Zhihu: "If you are happy, what do you want to thank your parents the most?" ”
One netizen's sharing was particularly heartwarming: "I want to thank my parents for never reprimanding me when I make a mistake." ”
It turned out that netizens loved to play football when they were children, and once kicked several pots of precious orchids from a neighbor's house to the ground.
The neighbor rushed out in anger and cursed, and the father ran out.
In the face of the anger of their neighbors, netizens are mentally prepared to be beaten by their fathers.
Unexpectedly, my father just apologized to the neighbor, and then took the netizens home.
After returning home, my father smiled and said:
"You're pretty big! Maybe I can play in the soccer team in the future! ”
"Dad knows you didn't mean it today."
"Next time we can find an open place to play, what do you think?"
Then, his father took him to find a suitable place to play football and played with him for an afternoon.
"Because my father never rebuked me, and then no matter what I did wrong or messed up, I had the courage to continue to move forward boldly."
There is such a sentence in "The Little Prince":
"The most conquering weapon in the world is language, and a word can make a person fall to the bottom, but also make a person regain strength."
When a child makes a mistake, the parents' understanding is a fresh breeze, blowing away the tension and guilt in the child's heart, so that the child can truly feel the unconditional love of his parents.
In the documentary "Amazing Mom", there is a mother Lele's way of education that impressed me.
Lele is a single mother, no matter what the child does, she not only does not scold, but is very supportive.
When his son He Yihe was a freshman in high school, he wanted to drop out of the science experimental class because of too much pressure.
This is definitely going to be scolded by ordinary parents.
Coke only said, "Okay." ”
He Yihe, who later transferred to the International Middle School, wanted to drop out of school and teach himself literary creation, and Lele also said: "Okay." ”
Image source: Tencent Video "Amazing Mom"
Two simple words give He Yihe not only freedom, but also a great energy.
Relying on this energy, only Gao Chinese relied on him to learn to write screenwriting on his own, and also became one of the screenwriters of the movie "Mother".
It has been said that the mistakes made by children are like a coin, with mistakes on the front and growth on the back.
When children make mistakes, parents replace reprimands with understanding, and children can be fearless of setbacks and failures, turning every mistake into a paving stone on the road to growth and happiness.
Not easily blaming children and not reprimanding children at will is actually a truth that every parent understands.
But when they are busy and their children make all kinds of mistakes, parents' anger will inevitably ignite.
So, what can parents do to curb the rebuke of their children who make mistakes?
These 3 steps will surely help you:
1. Stabilize your mood and keep the "bottom line" in mind
When my son first entered the "terrible toddler period" last year, I made a pact with my old man: as long as it does not involve life safety, my son can do anything, and he cannot scold him.
Once, when his son accidentally broke his favorite bowl while eating, he looked confused and stuck in place.
At that moment, I was about to blurt out loudly: "I told you to be careful!" ”
But I remembered the "bottom line" I set before, so I swallowed the words back, picked my son up and asked, "Is the baby okay?" It's okay! It's okay if the bowl is broken. ”
Hearing me say this, my son's originally nervous expression finally relaxed.
In fact, when every child is born, the wish made by parents must be: may the child live a safe and healthy life.
As long as the mistakes made by children do not endanger their own lives and the interests of others, then no matter what mistakes they are, they are worthy of our forgiveness.
When children make mistakes, we should take a deep breath, stabilize our emotions, and remember the "bottom line": as long as the child is healthy and safe, it is better than anything else.
2. Normal attitude and acceptance of mistakes
Some people say that a common mistake parents make in education is: small things become big.
The child knocked over food, forgot to bring textbooks, pushed and shoved children... These things can easily be seen by parents with a magnifying glass.
They all ignore the fact that children's growth is regular and takes time.
I remember that there was a child in the community who loved to grab toys and push people when they couldn't grab them.
Once he pushed a little friend again, and after his mother took him to apologize to others, she hugged him and whispered:
"Mom knows that you like that toy car very much, it's normal that you want to grab it, Mom understands you.
But we have better ways, such as you can exchange your toys with others! ”
After a while, instead of grabbing toys, he learned to use his toys to exchange with others.
Children will see the truth in the eyes of their parents the most.
If parents can treat mistakes with a normal mind and take problems lightly, children will have more confidence to correct them.
3. Analyze the problem and set up a flag in advance
After understanding the child and not rebuking the child, the child can return to the unconditional love of his parents for him.
At this time, it is the most effective moment for parents to educate their children.
After analyzing the problem for the child and suggesting ways to improve, it is best for parents to set a flag for the child in advance.
For example, when a child is given a 0 for not filling in the name in the exam paper, we can say, "Mom believes that you will never forget to write your name next time, right?" ”
For example, when a child swears at school, we can say, "Dad knows that you are a polite child, and he will never swear and curse again!" ”
Studies have shown that when parents give their children a positive review, the child is more likely to become this positive image.
Therefore, set a positive flag for your child in advance, and your child will be more motivated to achieve this flag.
There is one phrase that I particularly like:
Children's happiness is not necessarily given by parents; But the child's ability to be happy must be given by the parents.
Children with the ability to be happy stand behind them parents who will not rebuke their children at will.
Because this group of parents knows that their children's future is hidden in their mouths.
Impulsive scolding will only push the child out of the castle of love and wander alone;
Only with understanding and encouragement can children steadily embark on the journey to happiness.